[36] in Dilbert Redistribution
Dilbert Newsletter 28.0
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Scott Adams)
Sun Dec 5 21:28:43 1999
To: dilbert-redist@MIT.EDU
From: Scott Adams <dilbertnewsletter@unitedmedia.com>
Errors-To: um1-errors@bounce.exactis.com
Date: Sun, 05 Dec 1999 19:27:04 MST
To: Dogbert's New Ruling Class (DNRC)
From: Scott Adams (scottadams@aol.com)
Date: December 1999
******* Special Holiday Edition ********
Contents:
------------------------------------
- Update on Mental Powers Experiment
- Dogbert Answers My Mail
- True Tales of Induhviduals
- Special Holiday Story
------------------------------------
Update on Special Mental Powers Experiment
-----------------------------------------
In the last newsletter I asked for volunteers to write down "The Dilbert
TV show will get a 7 share" fifteen times, once a day, in a highly
unscientific experiment to mentally influence the environment.
The hypothesis was that if the method worked, coincidences would start to
accumulate until the goal was accomplished through no particular skill or
effort on anyone's part.
Roughly two thousand of you wrote to say you would participate. Result:
Two episodes of the show have aired since the experiment began, each one
with identical ratings to the prior weeks and also to the shows on UPN
before and after it. They all came in at about a 3 share.
On the surface, it would appear the method didn't work. But something
interesting happened, a coincidence of sorts, just as predicted.
According to my e-mail after the last newsletter, the main reason people
weren't watching the Dilbert TV show was because of its time slot. Some
people couldn't find it, others weren't home early enough, many people
didn't know it moved to a new night. But the biggest problem by far was
that it aired opposite "Buffy The Vampire Slayer." Unbeknownst to me or
anyone at UPN, there's a huge overlap between Buffy fans and Dilbert
fans.
Here's the coincidence part. UPN just decided to change its Tuesday
schedule to accommodate a new one-hour show about daredevils called "I
Dare You." That show fits best at 8:00 p.m. Eastern and bumps Dilbert
to 9:30 p.m., out of Buffy's crosshairs (beginning Jan.18th, not
immediately). That's late enough for you hard-working, hard-schooling
people to get home, eat dinner and still watch Dilbert. Our competition
in the new time slot can best be described as "miscellaneous."
I classify this schedule change as a "lucky" coincidence because: A)
It's exactly what was needed, B) No one knew it was needed until it was
already decided, C) It wasn't based on effort or skill, and D) There
were so many other ways it could have gone. If the new show had not been
an hour long, or if it fit better on another night, or if the other UPN
shows on Tuesday had higher ratings, the change wouldn't have happened.
None of those things have anything to do with the Dilbert show or my
efforts to promote it.
The Dilbert show's move to a new time in January is exactly the
coincidence we needed to have a legitimate shot at a 7 share. The
schedule change isn't effective until January 18th, so we'll still get
crushed for a few more weeks, but after that, I like our chances.
If you're writing or thinking the 7 share goal, please keep doing it when
you're otherwise bored at work or at school. We're only a few
coincidences away from success. It should all come together on January
18th with the new time slot.
Here's the upcoming schedule for viewers in the U.S. (Apologies to DNRC
members around the globe for my harping on this topic.)
Episode Date Time
-------- ----- ----
The Dupey 12/7 8:30 PM Eastern/7:30 Central
Elbonian Trip (R) 12/14 8:30 PM Eastern/7:30 Central
Y2K (R) 12/21 8:30 PM Eastern/7:30 Central
Episode to be announced 1/18 9:30 PM Eastern/8:30 Central
Dogbert Answers My Mail
-----------------------
In this section, Dogbert answers my mail. These are based on real
e-mail messages to me. The names are changed to make them funnier.
Dear Mr. Adams,
What is up with that last newsletter? It wasn't even funny. It seemed
more like a pathetic commercial for your TV show.
Andrew
---
Dear Androol,
You're so smart, you must have been bitten by a radioactive owl. Mr.
Adams promises that the next newsletter will be devoted entirely to your
personal needs. He has also agreed to change the names of the Dilbert
characters to match members of your family. He hopes that will make it
more relevant to you. To compensate you for the inconvenience of the
last newsletter, Mr. Adams will lower the cost of your subscription from
zero to zero.
Sincerely,
Dogbert
---
Dear Mr. Adams,
I am a junior at ULM and in one of my classes we are making a web page.
My group topic is Self-Esteem and I was wondering if Dilbert's comic
strip had any funny messages about building self-esteem in school-age
children? If you do, can you please send me something or direct me
somewhere to get this. Thanks a bunch!
Nadia
Dear Nada,
Yes, there are many Dilbert comics on self-esteem. I'll give them to you
if you crawl over here and beg for them while I balance a donut on your
nose.
Sincerely,
Dogbert
---
Hi,
I have been a fan of yours and have enjoyed you in many movies. I was
wondering if you would not mind filling a small request. Can you send me
an autograph of you? It would mean a lot. My address is below. THANK YOU
AND GOD BLESS.
Raymond
Dear Rainman,
Mr. Adams will be happy to send you a signed photograph that is suitable
either for framing or worshiping as a pagan idol. I hope the other four
hundred celebrities you spammed for an autograph are as honored by your
request as Mr. Adams is. If they forget to respond to your first
message, I recommend a program of aggressive stalking.
Sincerely,
Dogbert
True Tales Of Induhviduals
---------------------------------
Those Induhviduals continue to amaze and amuse us. Here are the newest
reports from DNRC operatives in the field:
True Tale 1
--------------
I used to work with a woman named Anne. One morning she announced she
got a cat over the weekend. I asked what she named the cat, and she said,
without the slightest hint of self-consciousness, "Anne."
I asked her, "When the phone rings and someone asks for Anne, how will
you know if it's for you or your cat?"
True Tale 2
--------------
A couple of Christmases ago I was in line at the post office when I
overheard a woman at the window ask for a book of stamps. The teller
asked which ones she wanted, and she replied "Oh, the Madonna and child
ones." The woman in line in front of me rolled her eyes and said "My
God, she's on a STAMP now?!?!"
True Tale 3
--------------
While interviewing for a position with a large technical consulting firm
the Human Resources person asked why I had left my last position. My
reply was that my employer insisted I become a full-time COBOL programmer.
Her next question was, "So, you don't like to learn new things?"
True Tale 5
--------------
I went into the Department of Motor Vehicles to obtain the title and
license plates for my new truck. After spending five minutes typing all
my personal information into a computer, the DMV clerk pulled out a huge
book to look up the excise tax for the vehicle. I mentioned that, since
she had a networked computer, it would seem more efficient to just enter
the information in the computer and have it look up the tax rather than
create, print, and distribute such a large book. She looked at me in
that serious, governmental clerk manner and said, "They can't do that.
The information changes too quickly."
True Tale 6
--------------
I was summoned to investigate a technical problem. The user tells me that
her keyboard isn't working and suggests that someone may have switched
keyboards with her. She didn't remember her keyboard having a stain on
it. Having overheard this conversation, the Induhvidual in the next
cubicle stands up and says that he switched the keyboards but didn't
realize that moving it from one desk to another would stop it from
working. I asked him why he switched the keyboards, to which he replied,
"Because I spilled water on it."
True Tale 7
--------------
I wanted some photos developed quickly. So I went to a company that
offers two processing options: a cheap overnight service, and a more
expensive one-hour service. I asked for the one-hour service. The
response was, "Sorry, we can't do that at the moment. If you want
one-hour processing, you'll have to come back tomorrow."
True Tale 8
--------------
Recently, as a result of poor planning, I needed some same-day dry
cleaning. I remembered seeing a dry cleaning store with a huge sign,
"1-Hour Dry Cleaners." I drove far out of my way to find that store and
get my dry cleaning done in one hour. After filling out the tag, I told
the lady, "I need that in an hour." She said, "I can't get this back to
you until Thursday." I said, "I thought you did dry cleaning in an
hour?!" She said, "No. That's just the name of the store."
True Tale 9
--------------
On a recent warm summer day, my wife and I were at a hardware store where
there was a clearance sale on wall thermometers. The thermometers were
all heaped into a large box. An Induhvidual approached the display, saw
all of the thermometers sitting there, and turned to her boyfriend and
asked, "Do they all read 80 until you get them home?"
True Tale 10
---------------
My employer was having a blood drive. The employees were offered an
afternoon off if they gave blood. One employee named Jose was squeamish
about it, but decided to do it anyway. He lay down on the table and when
he saw the nurse coming over to put the needle in his arm he panicked.
Just as he was considering backing out, he looked at the next table over
and saw a co-worker named Ed lying there calmly with the tube stuck out
of his arm. Jose was inspired by how easy it seemed for Ed and how
relaxed he was. Jose decided that if Ed could do it so easily, he could
do it too and so he gave the blood. When he was almost done, a nurse went
over to Ed and used smelling salts to wake him up. Apparently Ed had been
passed out the entire time.
True Tale 11
---------------
One of my supervisors was telling me that she likes to keep some extra
cash around the house for emergencies. To keep it safe, she puts it in
her jewelry box. I told her that it was the worst place to keep money.
A jewelry box was the first place a thief would look. She looked at me
as if I was an idiot and said, " I don't keep it in the box with my GOOD
jewelry."
True Tale 12
---------------
I purchased a soft drink from a football game concession stand. As I was
walking back to my seat, I took a sip from the cup and realized that I
had been given the wrong drink. I returned to the concession stand to
exchange the beverage, explaining that I had ordered Diet Pepsi but was
mistakenly given regular Pepsi. The Induhvidual looked at the original
cup of Pepsi and asked "Did you drink any of this?" (Presumably he hoped
to re-sell it to someone else.)
I said, "No, I used my x-ray vision to determine that it was not Diet
Pepsi!"
Embarrassing Incident
--------------------------
This true report from a DNRC operative isn't the usual fare for the
Dilbert Newsletter but I thought it was funny:
I was standing in line the other day at the local grocery story behind a
small boy, his mother, and a rather LARGE woman. The LARGE woman's
beeper went off. The child reacted by saying, "Look out mom, she's going
to back up!"
Special Holiday Story
-------------------------
In the tradition of the Dilbert Newsletter, I give you a special holiday
story with no humor content whatsoever.
It was one of those cold winter nights in the Haight district of San
Francisco, the kind where the rain hurts, and your breath forms huge
cotton balls that bounce on the pavement. I was driving an eyesore that
could only be referred to as a "car" by someone who was either a
shameless liar or a good friend. Technically, the vehicle was totalled
when I bought it from an unscrupulous neighbor, because it needed an
engine overhaul that would have cost more than the car itself. I added a
quart of oil before every journey. Most of it would leak out along the
way. I tried to imagine I was driving a huge magical snail; that way I
didn't mind the slow speeds and the slime trail it left.
The car's outer paint had transformed into a hideous mixture of rust and
"something brown." The engine sounded like a lawnmower with
tuberculosis. If anyone ever wondered what the inside of an automobile
seat looked like, my car had the answers.
It was a difficult car to drive because you had to keep your fingers and
toes crossed to keep the engine running. That night I must have
uncrossed my fingers to scratch something. The car died in the middle of
a four-lane stretch of Oak Street. I coasted as far as I could, hoping
for a place to turn off, but the street was lined with parked cars and
the nearest intersection was beyond coasting distance. There I sat, in
busy evening traffic, no lights, no locomotion, as tons of steel and
plastic screamed by.
In my rearview mirror I saw a pair of headlights pull up and stop behind
me. I knew what was coming. Soon the horn would start and someone would
be cursing at me. In San Francisco, if you dawdle too long after a light
turns green, you get the horn. If you dare to come to a full stop at a
stop sign, you get the horn from the car behind you. I figured I was
begging for trouble.
But I was wrong.
A stranger got out of the car and came to my window. He shouted, "Do you
want a push?" I was stunned but must have nodded in the affirmative. He
waived to his car and two teens piled out to apply themselves to my
bumper. When I was safely delivered to a side street, they hopped back
into their car and rejoined the sea of anonymous traffic. I didn't get
to thank them.
Over the years I've realized something about the stranger who stopped to
help. I've noticed that every time I'm in trouble, he appears. He never
looks the same. Sometimes he's a woman. His age and ethnicity vary.
But he's always there. I've started to understand he's the best part of
what makes us human beings. The one true thing in this world is an
unasked kindness provided by a stranger. It's the invisible cord that
binds us all together and makes life worthwhile.
This year, when you find yourself immersed in the clutter and bustle of
the holiday season, annoyed by the long lines, baffled about how you'll
get everything done, remember this: One of the people in that crowd is
the stranger. Today, maybe it's you.
Have a great holiday season, everyone.
Scott Adams
--------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------------------------------------------------------------
LAST EXCLUSIVE DNRC-ONLY OFFER OF 1999
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Now through December 12th, choose either a free DNRC embroidered denim
shirt or a free black DNRC polo shirt when you spend $35 or more in The
Dilbert Store. (This offer is limited to one DNRC bonus per order, but
regular Dilbert Store freebies will be added if the order amount
qualifies for them.)
This DNRC offer will not be announced in the Dilbert Store. To get
it, you need to follow this DNRC-only link:
http://www.umstore.com/dilbert/dnrcspecial.htx
Now you can wrap your gifts in a red Dilbert Gift Tin! Here are some gift
suggestions:
Character-shaped Breath Mints in collectible tins
Dogbert Ignore Y2K T-shirts
Dogbert "You're Next on my list of things to Ignore" cap
Dilbert & Dogbert pen & pencil set
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