[28] in Dilbert Redistribution
Dilbert Newsletter #21
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (System Administrator)
Wed Sep 23 21:11:53 1998
Date: Wed, 23 Sep 1998 17:24:15 -0400
Reply-To: "Dogbert's New Ruling Class" <DILBERT_NEWS@LISTSERV.UNITEDMEDIA.COM>
From: System Administrator <admin@UNITEDMEDIA.COM>
To: DILBERT_NEWS@LISTSERV.UNITEDMEDIA.COM
Dilbert Newsletter 21.0
------------------------
To: Dogbert's New Ruling Class (DNRC)
From: Scott Adams
Date: September 1998
Highlights:
------------------------------------------------
- Dogbert Miracles
- DNRC Crime Tip
- Zippergate Analysis
- True Stories of Induhviduals
- How To Fake Humility
------------------------------------------------
DNRC Status Report
------------------
Dogbert's New Ruling Class has grown to 210,000 members, each one with
brains so big they only fit in our incredibly sexy skulls because they
are folded many times.
Dogbert Miracles
----------------
People often write to tell me of miracles performed by Dogbert. Here's
just one example.
Dear Scott,
One day I was having problems with my internet connection.
I tried everything to fix it, but nothing had an effect.
Eventually I put Dogbert on top of the computer and went
to bed. The next day, every single problem had been
miraculously remedied!
I would like to know if Dogbert can fix other problems,
because I have other things that need fixing around the
house. Thank you.
--- end of message --
I'll answer that question here, since many of you are wondering the same
thing.
Yes, Dogbert can miraculously solve many problems in your life. For
example, if you know an Induhvidual who is in a bad relationship,
suggest he glue a Dogbert doll to the top of his head and keep it there
for a few weeks. Before you know it, the Induhvidual will find himself
free and single again.
If you live in a cold region, Dogbert can help your car get traction
when you're stuck in the snow. Simply tell an Induhvidual that there is
a free Dogbert doll under your car. When the Induhvidual tries to find
Dogbert, and accidentally comes in contact with your back wheel, jump in
the car and floor it. (Tip: For best results choose an Induhvidual with
a wool jacket.)
If you have a boss who talks with his mouth full, suggest that he keep a
Dogbert doll on his shoulder. It won't help with the open-mouth
chewing, but at least you'll have something pleasant to look at when
he's talking.
If you're a parent who worries that your Induhvidual teenage daughter
might get pregnant, Dogbert can help there too. You might have heard of
school programs where students are asked to carry an egg with them
everywhere for a week, thus simulating the rigors of parenthood. You
can improve on this exercise by having your daughter pretend Dogbert is
the father of the child, thus providing an explanation for why the baby
is shaped like an egg. Dogbert will play his part as the deadbeat dad,
providing no support whatsoever. In fact, he might even try to talk
your daughter's girlfriends into having an egg with him too.
DNRC Crime Tip
--------------
This report from a DNRC member proves that criminals are getting smarter
every day:
"After vacationing in New Jersey, my family and I decided to spend a day
in Atlantic City. We parked at the Tropicana Casino. While inside,
someone smashed the window to our car and stole two Dilbert books, while
leaving two CD players and $300 worth of CDs."
-- End Of Report --
This report suggests a way to protect yourself in a high crime area.
Always carry a few extra Dilbert books in your backpack, briefcase or
purse. If gang members surround you, take out the Dilbert books, throw
them in one direction and run in the other. The gang will scurry after
the Dilbert books, possibly killing each other in the process, while you
make your getaway.
Is Your Company Doomed?
-----------------------
Have you checked lately to see if your company blocks access to the
Dilbert web site at http://www.dilbert.com? Dilbert is often banned
under the theory that it is the only thing preventing morale from
soaring.
Induhviduals And Zippergate
---------------------------
Lately I have been subjected to many Induhvidual opinions about
Zippergate. Rather than respond to them as they happen, which would
require me to yell at my television set, thereby scaring all of my other
appliances, I will address these curious viewpoints here.
Note: I have no strong opinion of what should happen to the President.
I'm just amused by it all.
Induhvidual Opinion #1 -- It's about lies, not sex
--------------------------------------------------
Some Induhviduals say it's not the sex, it's the lying that's the real
problem. But it's not a general kind of lying that's the problem, it's
specifically the President's unwillingness to share details of his sex
life with every human being in the world. By that standard, only
Geraldo Rivera and Dennis Rodman could qualify to be President.
If lying is so damnable, let's say we decide to impeach every politician
who lies to the American people. They'd be dropping like flies. I
forget how the chain of command works, but I think that after the
President and the Vice President, you have the Speaker of The House, and
then members of the cabinet, and on from there. It would take about two
months before a near-sighted postal clerk has the nuclear launch codes.
When the politicians who vote on impeachment tell us they will be
non-political, asking us to believe they will ignore the fact that Al
Gore could become president, do you think they are telling the truth?
And if they aren't, shouldn't we impeach them too?
Induhvidual Opinion #2 -- How Can Clinton Govern Now?
-----------------------------------------------------
I have this image in my head of Yasser Arafat visiting the White House.
Clinton offers him a Presidential cigar and Arafat says, "If you don't
mind, could I have one that is still in the original wrapper?" This
ugly incident turns into a towel fight and triggers World War Three.
That's the best scenario I could come up with in which the President's
ability to govern is affected by Zippergate.
I guess there's one other possibility. Suppose Congress passes some
legislation and it comes to Clinton's desk for signature, but Hillary
has broken both of his arms. That might slow him down. But he could
still grip a pen in his teeth and sign the bill into law. And if
Hillary punched out his teeth too, all you really needs is a bottle of
dipping ink and a cute intern to improvise a solution. It wouldn't be
the photo opportunity we're used to, but at this point, nothing seems
too shocking.
Let's say the President is less able to push his agenda in Congress now,
because no one wants to be his friend . I keep asking myself how my
life will be different, compared to the dynamic leadership we expect
from a second term minority party president. So far, I'm stumped.
Induhvidual Opinion #3 -- Any CEO would be fired
------------------------------------------------
The pundits keep saying that any CEO who has an affair with an employee
would be fired. But on my planet, Earth, CEOs routinely boff the staff,
literally and figuratively, and I know of no example where any CEO ever
got fired for anything except falling stock prices or accounting
irregularities. Who started the rumor that CEOs get fired for bedding
their underlings? Didn't Bill Gates marry one of his employees?
Induhvidual Opinion #4 -- You Can't Do That In The Military
-----------------------------------------------------------
Pundits point out that the President would be kicked out of the military
for his behavior, if in fact he were in the military. We can extend
this brilliant analysis to see how he would be treated by other
organizations to which he does not belong.
For example, I also believe he would be kicked out of the Girl Scouts
for his behavior. That sort of activity is very disruptive to the
meetings. And I don't think you can participate in the Big Sister
program with that on your record either. I also believe he would be
fired as editor of Cigar Aficionado magazine if he worked there, which
he doesn't.
Induhvidual Opinion #5 -- We can't help thinking about it
---------------------------------------------------------
Some people say Clinton can't be effective because every time we look at
him we'll be grossed out thinking of his sex life. Personally, I
already have that problem with most politicians, not to mention many of
my friends, and my entire extended family. In fact, the only politician
I can imagine having sex, without wincing, is Al Gore, and that's only
because I assume he does it fully clothed.
Induhvidual Opinion # 6 -- Not In The Oval Office!
--------------------------------------------------
Some people are incensed because the dirty deeds happened in the White
House. This implies that some other location wouldn't have been so bad.
So I'm wondering, where **is** the best place for the President to do
that sort of thing? Would a State Park be okay, or is that still
government land? How about the French Embassy? That's technically
foreign soil, and they probably have a cot in the back for just that
kind of situation.
Induhvidual Opinion #7 -- We Wasted 40 Million Dollars!
-------------------------------------------------------
Sure, it was expensive, but I feel I got my money's worth. I figure my
share was about eighty cents, and I've been entertained for months.
Compare that to the seven bucks I paid to see the Godzilla movie and I
think you'll agree it's a bargain.
And consider the positive impact on the media. It was a slow news year.
If the media had gone one more week without an interesting story, they
would have had to kill another member of the British royal family just
to fill airtime. No one wants that.
Induhvidual Opinion #7 -- It's Sexual Harassment
-------------------------------------------------
Some say that because Monica was a White House employee, and Clinton had
power to influence her career, it is sexual harassment by definition.
I suppose it's possible that Monica thought she would get a cabinet job
after her internship was over, or possibly become ambassador to Great
Britain. And I suppose it's possible that Monica was afraid of being
demoted from her lucrative intern job. So I guess that's the best point
I've heard so far.
True Tales Of Induhviduals
--------------------------
Those Induhviduals continue to amaze and amuse. Here are some more
allegedly true stories from DNRC operatives.
---
During a field training exercise at Fort Bragg, one of my
Induhvidualistic cow-orkers was ordered by his boss to walk in the dark
to the aviation unit about a half-mile down the road. The Induhvidual
asked his boss if he could drive the Humvee because he did not feel like
walking.
His boss said no, because someone has to walk in front of the Humvee to
"guide" it with a dim light, because in a tactical situationolike one
where we would face an enemyowe of course can not use our headlights at
night.
The Induhvidualorevealing his true natureothen offered to solve this
problem by volunteering to be the one who walks in front of the Humvee.
---
The original writer of a manual that I'm rewriting talks about selecting
a time zone out of a list of 24 that appears on your screen. His advice?
"If your time zone is not listed, select the one nearest to you."
If you're not in one of the 24 time zones on earth, WHERE THE HELL ARE
YOU???
---
I was leaving my phone number for a receptionist to pass on to someone
else. I started with my area code 612, then remembered that our area
code changes on Sunday. I said, "No, wait, make that 651. Our area
code changes on Sunday." To which she responded, "Every Sunday?"
Risk Of DNRC Membership
-----------------------
After the last newsletter, I got this criticism from a concerned member
of the DNRC:
Dear Mr. Adams,
I've been in the DNRC for years and I really enjoyed the "Are you an
Induhvidual" test. But, I thought the True Tales Of Induhvidual's to
be...well off-putting. As I was reading them I was thinking of my
teenage stepson. He loves your newsletters -- he is very bright -- but
he is constantly putting people down because of their inferior
intellect, and your newsletter no doubt fueled his arrogance.
I know it's not your job to teach my son humility, but frankly I've
never thought the True Tales Of Induhviduals to be very funny. I'd
rather see a short newsletter than another like the last.
Respectfully,
[name withheld]
-- End Of Message --
While I agree it is not my job to teach humility to children, I'm sure
I'd be GREAT at it. In fact, I might be the best teacher of humility in
the entire world!! Let the lesson begin:
First, kids, remember that if you really ARE a worthless leech on
society, it will only make things worse if you tell people about it. So
the only kind of humility worth having is the kind that's completely
false and out of keeping with the actual genius and sex appeal that is
yours by virtue of being in the DNRC. If you have any actual worth as a
human being, you must learn to speak of yourself in degrading and
dishonest terms. People will like you better that way.
For example, let's say you won the Nobel Prize for coming up with the
cure for cancer while simultaneously developing a source of unlimited
free energy. When you accept the prize, you would be tempted to say...
"KNEEL BEFORE MY UNSURPASSED BRILLIANCE! TO ME, ALL OF YOU ARE NOTHING
BUT LIVESTOCK IN CLOTHES!"
That would be considered arrogant and impolite. The polite approach is
to express false humility, i.e., to lie about yourself in a most obvious
fashion. For example, you might say...
"I am humbled by this award. Clearly I do not deserve it. I am
unattractive and incredibly stupid. Sometimes I smell bad. This was
nothing but luck."
If you lie to people about your obvious talents, they will love and
admire you for being dishonest with them. I don't know why this works,
but it does. And it's an important lesson to all the younger members of
the DNRC. Kids, until the day that Dogbert conquers the planet and
makes all Induhviduals our personal servants, try to follow these
guidelines to stay out of trouble:
- Don't make fun of Induhviduals unless you have your own
newsletter.
- Learn to manipulate adults by acting very polite even
though you are a weasel.
New Dilbert Books
-----------------
New in September, my hardcover book, The Joy Of Work. It's similar in
format to The Dilbert Principle (new writing about the workplace, plus a
sprinkling of relevant Dilbert strips). This one focuses on how to take
advantage of the strong labor market and create workplace happiness for
yourself at the expense of your boss, co-workers, and those lazy
stockholders who have never done anything for you. Specifically, you
will learn how to...
- Manage your boss before he tries to turn the tables
and manage you;
- Give yourself a stealth raise;
- Convert your cubicle into a utopian playland;
- Avoid work by pretending to be "creative";
- Prevent your brain from burrowing out of your skull
during meetings;
- Entertain yourself at the expense of your co-workers.
I'll also teach you my Dilbertian secrets for creativity and humor. No
matter how boring you are, these tips and tricks will make you seem to
be more interesting.
Dilbert Book Signing Info
-------------------------
If you live in the San Francisco Bay Area, I'll be signing my new book,
The Joy Of Work, at Stacey's Cafe in Pleasanton, California, at 310 Main
St. on Monday, October 19th, from 5 - 8 PM. Books will be provided by
Towne Center Books of Pleasanton. From highway 680, take the Bernal
exit, East on Bernal, left on Main St.
I'm co-owner of the Stacey's Cafe. That's why it's there.
Dilbert Product Information
---------------------------
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Or check out the Dilbert Zone Web site:
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