[25] in Dilbert Redistribution
Dilbert Newsletter 18.0
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (dogbert)
Thu Dec 4 19:40:23 1997
Date: Thu, 4 Dec 1997 17:17:45 -0500
Reply-To: "Dogbert's New Ruling Class" <DILBERT_NEWS@LISTSERV.UNITEDMEDIA.COM>
From: dogbert <dogbert@LISTSERV.UNITEDMEDIA.COM>
To: DILBERT_NEWS@LISTSERV.UNITEDMEDIA.COM
Dilbert Newsletter 18.0
-----------------------
To: Dogbert's New Ruling Class (DNRC)
From: Scott Adams
Date: December 1997
Highlights:
----------------------------------------
- True Stories of Induhviduals
- Prank Reports
- Urban Legend Update
- Holiday Story
----------------------------------------
DNRC Status Report
------------------
You may have seen a recent article in the
Chicago Tribune that discussed a link between
cynicism and heart disease. The headline
was this:
CYNICISM KILLS: 'Dilbert'-like attitudes
found to increase illness.
The inference is that the Dilbert cartoon
is killing people. I haven't reviewed the
science, but I assume they did a controlled
study using The Family Circus as the placebo.
And since this is obviously not the kind of
study that can be performed on humans, for
ethical reasons, I'm guessing they used
either monkeys or car salesmen.
For discussion, let's say it was monkeys.
I have this image in my mind of two groups
of monkeys -- one group reading Dilbert and
the other group reading Family Circus. The
Dilbert-reading monkeys clutch their chests
and fall dead. The Family Circus monkeys
show no change except an increased glucose
reading.
If cynicism is unhealthy, then logically
the opposite of cynicism -- gullibility --
is good for your health. For example, look
at the non-cynical Heaven's Gate people.
They are now living in perfect health in a
spaceship behind a comet.
Key learning: Science is a good thing.
News reporters are good things too. But
it's never a good idea to put them in the
same room.
Urban Legend Alert
------------------
After the last Dilbert Newsletter, many
members of DNRC wrote to tell me I had
been duped into reprinting an urban legend.
The story involved a clueless American
tourist visiting Windsor castle. Annoyed
by noisy jets from nearby Gatwick
International Airport, the alleged tourist
whined, "Why did they build the castle so
close to the airport???"
One problem with this story -- aside from
the fact that it never happened -- is that
Windsor Castle is not near Gatwick
International Airport. Since my only
international experience involves eating
English Muffins, that fact was not obvious
to me.
Actually, in the interest of full disclosure,
I have been to Canada, which many people
consider a separate country from the United
States. But now I'm fairly sure that the
whole "Canada thing" is an urban legend too.
Ouch...I just got a chest pain.
DNRC Prank Report
-----------------
Prank report from a contract employee:
At a Fortune 500 company I took the soap
in the kitchen area and put it in the
refrigerator with a sign that said "Do
not remove."
It stayed there for the final three weeks
of my contract. I actually witnessed
Induhviduals taking it out, using it and
putting it back.
[Editor's Note: A variation of this theme
would be a sign on the soap that says,
"Do not use with water."]
Correction
----------
Contrary to what you might have read in a
previous Dilbert Newsletter, computer experts
tell me it is not a good idea to turn your
PC sideways to make it look like a tower
configuration. That goes double for the
monitor. But it's still okay to turn your
modem sideways -- creating a tower modem --
to impress your dimwitted friends.
Dogbert Answers My Mail
-----------------------
In this section, Dogbert answers the mail
that I'm too polite to answer myself.
Dear Mr. Adams,
I read a book written by Norman Solomon called "The
Trouble With Dilbert." He has a theory that you're doing
this whole Dilbert thing to make money, not to better the
lives of the working class. Tell me it isn't true!
Morton
---------
Dear Moron,
Mr. Adams is saddened that anyone would accuse him
of trying to make money as a famous cartoonist when
he could just as easily opt to be a wretched bum. It
seems immoral. I cannot defend Mr. Adams in this free
newsletter, but he assures me he will dedicate a
whole chapter to an apology in his next hardcover
book.
Dogbert
My Acting Career
----------------
In the past year I've appeared in tiny parts
on the TV shows News Radio and Babylon 5.
DNRC Saint Diana suggests some other shows
that might want me to play a bit part.
Friends - I go on a date with Monica, but
she gets weirded out when she discovers
that my dog has matching glasses.
Voyager - I help Captain Janeway defeat the
Borg by encouraging them to assimilate an
ISO9000 coordinator, thereby causing the
cessation of all productive activity among
the collective.
Seinfeld - The cast debates the question of
whether Dilbert has a mouth. This leads to
an increase in parsley consumption and
ultimately to nuclear winter. Later they
all have dates with mutants. I marry Kramer.
True Tales of Induhviduals
--------------------------
Because you can't get enough of those whacky
Induhviduals (the people who are not members
of the DNRC), here are more True Tales as
reported by DNRC operatives.
-----------
A friend from West Virginia was shopping
at the Wal-Mart in Blacksburg, VA. At the
cash register, my friend wrote a check.
The clerk asked for her driver's license.
The presented her West Virginia drivers
license and the clerk grabbed it way from
her and scoffed at her, "If you're going to
use a fake ID, you could at least use a real
state!" A manager was required to verify
West Virginia's statehood.
-----------
A report from a 9th grader:
Our school campus has twenty buildings
spread over seventy acres. There were two
soda machines. Recently they added a third.
I overheard the workers arguing where to put
the new machine. They decided to put it
next to the other machine because that way
people would notice it when buying drinks.
There was one tiny flaw in that plan. The
two machines sold the same drinks, and the
new one cost an extra 75 cents.
-----------
When Daylight Saving Time was started on a
national basis, I was able to convince one
Induhvidual that she had to get up at 2 a.m.
to reset her clocks. To do otherwise would
violate federal law.
-----------
While shopping at the grocery store, I
noticed that the tuna packed in spring
water was labelled dolphin safe, but the
tuna packed in oil was not. I mentioned
this fact to the cashier and mused out
loud, "I wonder why?"
She replied, "Must be because the oil would
suffocate them."
-----------
The instructor was demonstrating the wonders
of static electricity to his class at MIT.
While holding a plastic rod in one hand
and a wool cloth in the other, he told the
class, "You can see that I get a large
charge from rubbing my rod..."
That was pretty much the end of learning for
that day.
-----------
My previous job was with a clothing
manufacturer. Every season we would have
presentations on the latest fashions from
around the world. During one of these
presentations, our chief designer held up
a pair of jeans that he had purchased in a
trendy boutique in London. He told us that
they were from a very exclusive designer
and were about 200 pounds each.
An Induhvidual from the audience piped up,
"200 pounds! How can a pair of jeans weigh
that much?!"
-----------
I called my hair salon to tell them I'd be
late for an appointment. I couldn't remember
the haircutter's unusual name, so I said, "I
think her name is 'Zora.'"
The receptionist said flatly, "We don't have
anybody here by that name." I said, "Check
the appointment book and see who my
appointment is with."
She checked and said, "Oh, your appointment
is with 'Zoya.'"
So I'm wondering, how many of the six people
working there have four letter names
beginning with Z anyway???
-----------
I worked for a while at a Wal-Mart store,
selling sporting goods. As an employee of
Wal-Mart you are sometimes required to make
store-wide pages, e.g., "I have a customer
in hardware who needs assistance at the paint
counter."
One night a tentative female voice came over
the intercom system with the (I kid you not)
following message:
"I have a customer by the balls in toys who
needs assistance."
-----------
A long, long, time ago, when I was 19 or 20,
I went to a bar with an older friend. The
guy at the door asked for my ID. I gave him
my driver's license, which of course had my
date of birth printed on it.
He looked at it and said, "You have to be
21 to get in here." I replied, "That ID
is a few years old."
He looked at it again for a moment, then
said "Oh, OK" and let me in.
-----------
At my previous company in the UK, a Quality
Initiative made use of posters around the office
featuring parts of motivating words such
as 'S CCESS' and 'VAL E'.
This was supposed to make you think that
what was missing was 'U' (you). However, to
the joy of the staff, a hand-written addition
to the posters appeared. It was the single
word: 'B LL'.
-----------
At a company during the winter months the
static buildup due to the dry air from the
heating system was becoming quite a problem.
People and equipment were getting zapped
constantly.
The receptionist was particularly hard hit
as people were handing her stuff all day.
An enterprising engineer decided to connect
a wire with clips on each end from his sock
to his shoe to ground the static. He was
so proud of himself that he went to the
receptionist and proclaimed he had fixed
the static problem.
He then proceeded to walk in circles dragging
his feet to prove that it worked. He reached
his hand toward her to complete the
demonstration. A big blue spark flew from
his hand to her closest body part (her left
breast) and she screamed like a wounded
wolverine. It seems the clip had fallen off
his sock.
[Editor: I'll bet she was Thor.]
----------
Dilbert books aren't for everyone. Here's
an actual book review from a customer, as
written on an online bookseller's web site.
It's about an older Dilbert reprint book
titled, "Shave The Whales." I've kept the
typos.
Rating=2:
The autor of 'Save the whales' must be a
very sick old fool. In a book about whales
you shouldn't tell the people how much fun
it is to shoot a whale from a fun cruiser.
So my opinion is that you should buy this
book if you are sadistic and like to pollute
the ocean with dead whales that floot.
But Saddam could learn something of this
writer because the mind of this writer is
absolutely more screwed up."
-----------
I am a medical student currently doing a
rotation in toxicology at the poison control
center. Today, this woman called in very
upset because she caught her little daughter
eating ants. I quickly reassured her that
the ants are not harmful and there would be
no need to bring her daughter into the
hospital. She calmed down, and at the end
of the conversation happened to mention
that she gave her daughter some ant poison
to eat in order to kill the ants.
I told her that she better bring her daughter
in to the ER right away.
[Editor's note: Don't get your medical
advice from the Dilbert Newsletter. I
suspect it's not always okay to eat ants,
no matter how tasty they look.]
-----------
There's an automotive tire dealer in town
with the following motto painted in two-foot
high letters on the storefronts of their
several locations:
"If it's in stock, we've got it!"
-----------
The receptionist was instructed to call a
vendor. Using the vendor's invoice as the
source of the phone number she began calling.
Each time she called, her phone would ring.
When she answered, no one was there. This
continued throughout the morning. When later
asked if she reached the vendor she explained
what was happening and demonstrated for her
superior. He noticed that the phone number
she was calling (which was on the vendor's
invoice) WAS THEIR OWN PHONE NUMBER! She had
spent an entire morning calling herself.
Free Sodas For DNRC Members
---------------------------
This report from the field describes how to
get free sodas from Induhviduals.
Dear Scott,
Apparently, Induhviduals think I'm so cute
and sexy that they like to buy me sodas. The
way they indicate I have a free soda waiting
is by putting a 'This machine owes me...'
sign on the machine. This is my signal to
push one of the buttons that is NOT lit up,
and ta-da...another generous gift from a
cow-orker Induhvidual.
Holiday Story
-------------
I like to get serious once a year in the
Dilbert Newsletter. Here's a true story.
I was seventeen, working as a bellhop at the
Sugar Maples resort in the Catskill Mountains.
Most of the guests were regulars. Families
had been coming on the same week each summer
for generations. Many of the employees were
regulars too, so we knew a lot of the guests
by sight. Some we knew by name. Others by
reputation.
The guests arrived on Saturday to stay the
week. The bellhops lined up, ready to carry
bags and earn the standard one-dollar tip.
Sometimes it was fifty cents. If we got
lucky, two dollars. But this week was special.
This was the week the Fish Man was scheduled
to arrive.
We didn't know his real name. According to
legend, the Fish Man made a fortune in some
sort of fish-related business. He was a
self-made man, the story went. But more
importantly, he was a twenty-dollar tipper.
No other tipper was in his league. The Fish
Man stood alone.
There were five bellhops and only one Fish
Man per year. If it was your turn in line,
it was like winning a small lottery.
Tradition dictated that when you returned
from carrying the Fish Man's bags, you
flashed your twenty and laughed above the
groans of your hapless co-workers. The
closing ceremony was half of the fun.
That summer, I got the Fish Man. He was a
big man, bright red hair, easy smile, and
an ample belly. He wore hideous vacation
shirts and shorts. I don't remember much
about his family; they weren't the source
of my tip.
I didn't talk to the Fish Man much -- just
the usual bellhop-to-guest patter. None of
his bags were unusually heavy, so I didn't
use my best bellhop line, "Did you bring
your rock collection?" No matter. The tip
was predetermined. When the Fish Man's
wallet came out, it seemed like slow motion.
It was a field of green. He plucked a twenty
from the pile, smiled, and said, "Thanks."
There was no explanation for the huge overtip.
I glided back to the main office, eager to
complete the ceremony. The bellhops groaned
on cue. I think someone threw something at me.
Soon the money was spent. Twenty dollars
didn't have any real financial impact on me.
But I never forgot the Fish Man. It was a
mystery. The whole point of tipping was lost
at the twenty dollar level. There was
something else going on. It was as if he
was posing a riddle:
"Why did I give you so much money?"
I worked on the riddle for years. Sometimes
I thought I had the answer, but the solution
changed depending on my perspective. As a
teenager, I thought the Fish Man was showing
off. When I became a banker, I thought the
Fish Man was making a wise investment to
improve the service during his stay. When
I worked for the phone company I thought the
Fish Man was feeling guilty for having a
virtual monopoly on money.
Lately, my perspective has changed again,
and so too the answer to the riddle. I am
the same age as the Fish Man now. And I've
had the same luck that he had financially.
I can see myself at seventeen the way he saw
me: naive, full of energy and ambition, no
clue where the trail begins or where it
leads, and no idea how much of my soul I'd
have to pay for the trip.
If he had offered his old-man advice, I
wouldn't have listened to it. But his
twenty-dollar tip was the a message that
couldn't be filtered out by my seventeen
year old brain. It drifted past my hormonal
sentinels and landed like a whisper somewhere
deep in my unconscious. The Fish Man had
already taken the journey that was ahead of
me. Maybe he was just going back to light
the path.
I would tell you the solution to the Fish
Man's riddle, but it doesn't work that way.
I'm sure all the bellhops from the Sugar
Maples have found different answers by now.
The one thing I can say for sure is that the
Fish Man got his money's worth from me.
You probably know someone who would benefit
from your advice but won't listen to it.
Maybe this holiday season would be a good
time to save your words of wisdom and just
be the Fish Man. Do something nice for
someone who hasn't done anything to earn it.
In the long run, people find their own advice.
Happy Holidays, everyone. Thanks for making
this a great year for me.
Scott Adams
Dilbert Product Information
---------------------------
New in software stores: Dilbert's Desktop
Games from DreamWorks Interactive. And for
kids, look for Young Dilbert's Hi Tech
Hijinks from KnowWonder. Young Dilbert is
the new technology spokeskid.
If you'd like information on any other
Dilbert-related products that are available,
send an e-mail message in the following
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Address: Dilbert_Products@listserv.unitedmedia.com
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You won't be put on any additional mailing
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e-mail listing the licensee for each Dilbert
product, with phone numbers to call if you need
more information.
Or check out The Dilbert Zone Web site.
http://www.unitedmedia.com/comics/dilbert
You can order selected Dilbert products
directly from the United Media Online Store.
Also check your local bookstores, and office
and computer supply stores.
How to Subscribe Automatically
------------------------------
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