[17] in Dilbert Redistribution
Newsletter 11.0
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (scottadams@InterNex.NET)
Tue Apr 23 01:20:30 1996
Date: Mon, 22 Apr 1996 10:17:56 -0700 (PDT)
From: scottadams@InterNex.NET
To: dilbert_list@mlm.InterNex.Net
Dilbert Newsletter 11.0
-----------------------
To: Dogbert's New Ruling Class (DNRC)
From: Scott Adams
Date: April 1996
(Use Courier 12 point font for proper formatting)
Highlights:
------------------------------------------------
- New Dilbert book "The Dilbert Principle"
- Presidential endorsement
- IQ Test for Induhviduals
- Strange Tales of Induhviduals
------------------------------------------------
DNRC Status Report
------------------
The DRNC has grown to 110,000 amazingly attractive and astonishingly
intelligent members. Each of you is becoming smarter and more alluring
each month. But let's give credit where credit is due: to the Dilbert
Newsletter.
Scientists have discovered that reading the Dilbert Newsletter not only
stimulates endorphins and improves brain circulation, but it also builds
lean muscle mass. Granted, most of the improvements are limited to your
butt and your mouse finger, but those are important parts.
Look at me, for example. I can benchpress 200 pounds with my mouse
finger. And I can sort coins just by sitting on them naked. I can't
promise that all of you will receive that level of benefit, but I CAN
promise that you won't ask me for change.
It Doesn't Hurt to Ask
----------------------
Lately, a lot of Induhviduals have been asking DNRC members for
unreasonable favors. They rationalize it by saying, "It doesn't hurt to
ask."
After Dogbert takes over, it WILL hurt to ask.
Induhviduals will be required to tape on their backs a cardboard tube
from a roll of paper towels . The DNRC member would then rip the tube
off, along with a patch of the Induhvidual's back hair, and briskly
pummel the Induhvidual for asking the question. This will have two
important benefits:
1. It will remove unsightly back hair from Induhviduals
2. It's aerobic
New Book: The Dilbert Principle
---------------------------------
Enhance your career by buying the first hardcover Dilbert book titled The
Dilbert Principle: A Cubicle's-Eye View of Bosses, Meetings, Management
Fads & Other Workplace Afflictions. It's over 300 pages of pithy writing
and selected Dilbert strips that cover important business issues such as:
- Why is your boss such a galactic idiot
- Pretending to have Quality
- The best way to sleep in your cubicle
- Shafting co-workers for personal gain
- A practical joke called ISO 9000
- What makes engineers so danged attractive
- How to sell bad products to stupid people
The Dilbert Principle, is published by HarperBusiness, ISBN
0-88730-787-6.
Win an Original Dilbert Strip
-----------------------------
You can win a signed, framed, original Dilbert strip or a gift
certificate from Borders Books by playing The Dilbert Principle Trivia
Game by e-mail, brought to you by United Media, HarperCollins, Yoyodyne
and Borders Books.
It's a skill game based on the nuggets of wisdom found in The Dilbert
Principle. After you sign up for the trivia contest you'll get questions
from Yoyodyne the week of May 21st, one set of questions per week for
four weeks. To win, just be smarter than the other players who read the
book. It's that simple.
To play, visit the Dilbert Zone at www.unitedmedia.com or send an e-mail
message to dilbert@yoyo.com
Yoyodyne doesn't share its list of players with anybody else, but you
will get occasional e-mails from them that announce new games. You can
get off their list permanently at any time by sending a message to
quitall@yoyo.com
Office Pranks on Induhviduals
-----------------------------
My favorite prank report from the field:
"A friend of mine who works with MRI machines bet the medical salesman
that he could not toss his wallet through the opening in the MRI magnet
-- the one the patients' head goes through -- without having the wallet
touch the sides.
The Induhvidual's wallet included all of his credit cards, which were
instantly demagnetized in the process.
Although it cost my friend a soda, the snicker factor made it well worth
the price."
True Tales of Induhviduals
--------------------------
These true reports were filed by anonymous DNRC operatives:
Sighting #1:
I was busy writing some computer program for one of my classes and my
roommate asked me if he could use my coffee maker. I said, "sure."
The next thing I hear is, "Hey, where do you put the coffee?" I turn to
see that he has filled the filter basket with water and is
(unsuccessfully) trying to keep the water in the basket by plugging the
hole at the bottom with his finger. He and the floor are both covered
with water.
[Editor's note: Guess which one of these guys will be a senior manager
someday.]
Sighting #2:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee
asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?"
I said, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?"
He smiled and nodded knowingly, "That's why we ask."
Sighting #3:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross
the street. I was crossing with an intellectually
challenged co-worker of mine, when she asked if I knew what
the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals to blind people when the
light is red. She responded, appalled, "What on earth are blind people
doing DRIVING???"
Sighting #4:
At a goodbye lunch for an old and dear co-worker who is leaving the
company due to "rightsizing," our manager spoke up and said, "This is
fun. We should have lunch like this more often."
Not another word was spoken. We just looked at each other like deer
staring into the headlights of an approaching truck.
Sighting #5:
I worked with an Induhvidual who plugged her power strip back into itself
and for the life of her could not understand why her system would not
turn on.
Sighting #6 (a rare "double sighting"):
A friend had a brilliant idea for saving disk space. He thought if he
put all his Microsoft Word documents into a tiny font they'd take up less
room. When he told me I was with another friend. She thought it was a
good idea too.
Sighting #7 (from Tech Support):
Tech Support: "How much free space do you have on your hard
drive?"
Induhvidual: "Well, my wife likes to get up there on that
Internet, and she downloaded ten hours of free
space. Is that enough?"
Sighting #8 (from Tech Support):
Induhvidual: Now what do I do?
Tech Support: What is the prompt on the screen?
Induhvidual: It's asking for "Enter Your Last Name."
Tech Support: Okay, so type in your last name.
Induhvidual: How do you spell that?
Sighting #9 (from Tech Support):
We received a support call from a customer who had problems connecting to
some dial-in lines. He said he found a solution to his connection
problems and would like to share it with us.
When he heard his modem retraining upon dialing in,
he would pick up the phone and make a "Kckgkth" noise, like a modem, into
the phone. Then he would hang up and get a reliable connection. He told
us he would be glad to record this noise and send it to us so that our
other customers could benefit from it.
After we stopped rolling on the floor laughing, we told him
he was just inserting line noise and was connecting at a lower speed.
Presidential Candidates
-----------------------
In the last newsletter I offered to throw the full weight of the DNRC
behind whichever US presidential candidate requested it first.
Harry Browne, candidate of the Libertarian Party, requested the DNRC
endorsement and tried to influence me with a signed copy of his book --
Why Government Doesn't Work. I didn't have time to read it and learn
about the issues because I'm too busy participating in democracy. But
it's obvious from the name of his party -- Libertarian -- where his
priorities are; he's in favor of making Liberace the national bird.
It looked like there is a lot of stuff in his book about taxes and social
programs. But what any of that has to do with Liberace is beyond me.
Harry Browne was not the only major candidate to request the DNRC
endorsement. Several DNRC members sniffed a window of opportunity and
slapped together their own official presidential campaigns consisting
primarily of cheap stationery with their names on it. Here's a summary
of their campaign platforms:
Steve Taylor: Platform of enlightened despotism
Diana Wales: Platform of tax breaks for cartoonists
Hello Kthulhu: Platform of world chaos through cuteness
Rod Brown: Platform of DNRC tax exemption
Howie The
Howling
Dog: Platform of blatant favoritism toward
Dogbert
All of the candidates have strong platforms, but none of them address the
most critical potential global threat: What if the communist leaders in
China order one billion of their citizens to strap atomic weapons to
their foreheads and swim as fast as they can in this direction?
Since none of the candidates address this critical issue, I urge you to
vote for all six candidates. If anybody questions your multiple voting,
just say you're voting for some friends who are waiting in the car. They
never check.
Quiz for Weeding Out Induhviduals
------------------------------------
There is much concern that Induhviduals are trying to pass themselves off
as DNRC members. If you are in doubt about a particular person's
Induhviduality, simply administer this IQ quiz (Induhviduality Quotient):
1. What is the capital letter in Russia?
2. If 2 + 2 is 4 and 2 x 2 is also 4, what's the big deal
about multiplication anyway?
3. Titanium is:
A. A big boat that sank
B. A vulgar latin term
C. A long-haired performer who plays the ukelele
4. When you close the refrigerator door, what happens to the
light inside?
A. Nobody knows because it's dark in there
B. It gets trapped inside because it's not as fast as
you might think
C. It combines with the yogurt to make "Light Yogurt."
5. If you bang your head against your keyboard, it feels
good as soon as you:
A. Stop
B. Become unconscious
C. 0;Hijejnkh9*&^^^jnnlwj
6. If you are planning to be in a relay race and you can't
find a baton, a good substitute would be:
A. Scissors
B. Hand grenade
C. Soap
Dogbert Answers My Mail
-----------------------
In this section, Dogbert will answer some of the annoying e-mail messages
that I get every day.
Dear Scott,
I plan to use Dilbert cartoons in my upcoming presentation to a large
industry group. It's non-profit so I won't be paying you. Please find
all the ones about "Teamwork" and mail them to me. I need them by
tomorrow, so either FedEx or e-mail will be fine.
June
Dear June,
Nothing makes Mister Adams happier than a chance to give his work away
for free, especially if it requires extra effort. Unfortunately, Mister
Adams is busy cleaning rain gutters for other inconsiderate turds who
figured it "wouldn't hurt to ask." So he will not be able to satisfy your
request in a timely manner. He apologizes.
But here's a tip: You can spice up your presentation with paintings from
the Louvre. Just write to the curator and ask him to mail you the "ones
with cherubs exhibiting teamwork." If he gives you any trouble, remind
him that you're non-profit and he's being a jerk.
Dogbert
--------
Dear Scott,
I have a Web page that I think you'll enjoy, based on your quirky and
irreverent style. Check it out and let me know what you think.
http://yadayaa.com/bottles/caps/imadork/
Allan
Dear Allan,
Mister Adams appreciates the opportunity to see if his personal
preferences match those of strangers, especially if it takes some effort.
That's the kind of thing he thinks about constantly. He thanks you for
being so giving.
To reciprocate, Mister Adams suggests that you slap yourself in the head
with a wooden spoon. Judging from your quirky and irreverent style, we
think you'll enjoy it. Let us know what you think.
Dogbert
-----------
Dear Scott,
My friend named his turtle Alteriox. It would be very funny if you named
a character in the Dilbert strip Alterioxbert. We would all be very
amused. If you do it, write and tell me because I don't read the strip.
Randy
Dear Randy,
That is an excellent suggestion for increasing the humor of the strip in
a way that is relevant to a broad audience. In fact, Mister Adams plans
to name ALL of the characters Alterioxbert, except for a new character
called "Randy the Butt Pimple." Thank you for this excellent suggestion.
Dogbert
Induhviduals and the Post Office
--------------------------------
A DNRC member asked if Induhviduals would be allowed in the Post Office
after the revolution.
The answer is yes, because they make excellent shields in the event of
gunfire. And if you need a stamp moistened you can slap them until their
tongues hang out.
How To Be Funny
---------------
One of my most useful revelations about writing humor dialog is that real
people don't talk in "question and answer" patterns. But if you sat
down and tried to write some humor you would probably be tempted to
format it that way and it would look forced and artificial.
In real life, conversations go more like this: I say something that
interests me then you say something that interests you. Or I ask a
question and you ignore it and change the subject. Or I think aloud
something that requires no response whatsoever. The ugly truth is that
most people are thinking about themselves when they talk, not the other
person.
When you're writing dialog, first you need to understand the characters.
Then ask yourself what the character would be thinking and selfishly
caring about at that moment. When you give characters "selfish" dialog
it usually comes off looking "real" even if you exaggerate it wildly.
Another good trick is to have the character say aloud what they would
normally only think. When you verbalize a private thought it often ends
up being shockingly impolite or inconsiderate. And that can be funny.
Sending Ideas for Dilbert
-------------------------
Most of my ideas for the strip come from e-mail. (Thanks to all of you
who took the time. I'm sorry I can't give personal responses to all of
you.)
The best suggestions are theme ideas, not dialog (even though I just gave
you tips on how to write dialog). I'll do the humor part. I'm most
inspired by themes of idiotic management and clueless business practices.
Tell me about things in your day that caused a feeling of anger,
insecurity, doubt, distrust, humiliation, incredulity or guilty pleasure.
Some parts of your messages may be quoted by me for articles, books or
interviews. They will be paraphrased if I think it's necessary to
conceal the identity of the author or to condense a story. I never
disclose names.
Send suggestions to me, not a reply to the newsletter address. I'm at
scottadams@aol.com. And your best bet is to wait at least two weeks from
receiving the newsletter, because I get about a thousand messages a day
in that period.
Thanks!
The Dilbert Store on the Web
----------------------------
The Dilbert Spring Collection will soon be available. The collection
includes DNRC caps, polo shirts, t-shirts and twill shirts. The apparel
in the Web store features Dilbert and Dogbert embroidery and is not
available in stores.
The Web store also includes limited edition Dilbert framed desk art,
Dilbert mug and mousepad sets, books and Dilbert and Dogbert stuffed
dolls!
You can order on the web at www.unitedmedia.com or by phone,
800-882-6450. (International callers dial: +1-612-948-5434)
Dilbert Mouse Pads
------------------
Ring King Visibles has introduced four computer mouse pad and wrist rest
designs, including the "Etch A Sketch" and "Bungee Boss" themes from
recent favorite strips. They are available at Office Depot and Egghead
Software already. Go bug your local computer store or office retailer to
stock them. You can also call Ring King visibles for more information at
800-272-2366.
Or check out The Video Catalog (the Early Spring 1996 issue) to see four
designs. Call them at 800-733-2232 to get a catalog or order by mail.
Dilbert Books
-------------
"Build a Better Life by Stealing Office Supplies" (original material
about working at a big company), Andrews and McMeel. (ISBN 0-8362-1757-8)
"Always Postpone Meetings with Time-Wasting Morons" (a compilation of the
first year), Andrews and McMeel.
(ISBN 0-8362-1758-6)
"Clues for the Clueless" from Andrews and McMeel. It's original material
on the subject of manners using the Dilbert cast. (ISBN 0-8362-1737-3)
"Shave the Whales" (a compilation of the second year of Dilbert), Andrews
and McMeel. (ISBN 0-8362-1740-3)
"Bring Me the Head of Willy the Mailboy" (a compilation covering 10/5/90
through 5/18/91.), Andrews and McMeel. (ISBN 0-8362-1779-9)
"It's Obvious You Won't Survive By Your Wits Alone" (a compilation
covering 5/19/91 to 12/13/92, with color Sundays), Andrews and McMeel.
(ISBN 0-8362-0415-8).
"Still Pumped from Using the Mouse (a compilation covering 12/14/92 -
9/27/93), Andrews and McMeel. (ISBN 0-8362-1026-3)
Check with any bookstore. If that fails, call the publisher, Andrews and
McMeel directly at 800-826-4216 and order by mail. (International
callers use +1-816-932-6700)
And new from HarperBusiness:
"The Dilbert Principle" (A hard cover book featuring my original essays
on various business absurdities, punctuated with the Dilbert comics that
have been published on those same topics), HarperBusiness. (ISBN
0-88730-787-6)
Dilbert Calendars for 1996
--------------------------
All sold out, but lots more coming for 1997.
Dilbert Business Videos:
------------------------
Coming Soon! New Dilbert animation!
"Dogbert's Do-it-Yourself Tech Test" is an off-beat four minute animated
business video featuring Dogbert's test for finding out if you are a
self-reliant user of technology. The video opens Technology Does the
Strangest Things, a Cohen/Gebler Associates video hosted by Elliot Masie
which highlights the importance of developing a self-reliant attitude in
the technology driven workplace. Price $99
Cohen/Gebler Associates has ten current Dilbert business video titles for
use in meetings, workshops and presentations. The videos are based
closely on themes from the strip. They're used primarily as ice
breakers. Topics include Quality, Change, Teams, Reengineering, Sales,
Meetings and more.
Cohen/Gebler Associates also develop custom programs featuring Dilbert
for internal company communications, e.g.:
- Employee training
- Internal communications
- Employee meetings/events
Call 1-800-208-3535 for more information. (International callers use
+1-617-262-4242).
Dilbert Merchandise by Mail
---------------------------
Signals catalog (New Year 1996 issue) call 800-669-9696
Wireless catalog (Early Spring 1996 issue) call 800-669-9999
- Dilbert silk ties (not the flip up kind)
- Mug
- Sweatshirts
- Book: "It's Obvious You Won't Survive By Your Wits Alone"
- Dilbert and Dogbert stuffed dolls
- Limited edition lithograph (Signals catalog only)
New Dilbert Novelty Items
-------------------------
Coming this Spring from OZ:
- Dilbert mugs (six designs)
- Dilbert mini gift book: "Telling it Like it Isn't"
Look for them in gift and card stores or call 800-826-4216 to find the
store nearest you.
New Dilbert Tie and Suspenders
------------------------------
New from Ralph Marlin and Company, Dilbert-inspired silk and polyester
ties. Look for all four styles in gift and novelty stores near you, or
call 800-922-8437.
Coming soon from The Rainbow Connection, Dilbert suspenders with a
"Falling Down the Corporate Ladder" theme. To find a store near you,
call 413-267-5421.
Hallmark Cards
--------------
Look for "The Dilbert Zone" in Hallmark Stores starting this June,
including 52 greeting cards and 24 novelty items.
New Dilbert T-Shirts from Quality Classics:
-------------------------------------------
Look for Dilbert T-shirts and sweatshirts from Quality Classics in retail
stores around the United States. There are nineteen designs, but
individual stores will carry different subsets. Demand them at your
local store or call Quality Classics to find a store near you:
800-735-7185. New designs include: Technologically Superior, Trouble
Brewing, The Loud Dog, Strategy, Cell Mates and Sensory Deprivation
Chamber.
Online Dilbert Sources
----------------------
- World Wide Web (The Dilbert Zone)
http://www.unitedmedia.com/comics/dilbert
If you're a company interested in advertising on the Dilbert Web pages,
send e-mail to Webmaster@unitedmedia.com (put "Web ad" in the subject
line) or call 800-221-4816 (international callers dial +1-212-293-8500).
(50 DNRC status points if you get somebody to put a link to the Dilbert
Web page from another Web site. But please only link to the page itself,
not the individual graphics.)
- America Online (older daily strips) (Keyword: Dilbert)
***************** General Dilbert Facts *******************
The cartoon strip Dilbert began in 1989. It now appears in over 1,000
papers in 29 countries.
The author (that would be me) receives about 300 e-mail messages per day.
I read all of my e-mail personally. I don't have an assistant, unless
you count my cat. If you get a canned response, or no response at all,
it just means my fingers are tired. If you get an incoherent answer it
means I'm up late. If you ask multiple questions I often answer the one
I like.
Despite what you've heard, I don't work at your company. I worked at
Crocker Bank in San Francisco from 1979 to 1986, then Pacific Bell from
1986 to June 1995, mostly in various engineering groups. But I'm not an
engineer by education; I did the MBA thing.
I am not your high school friend of the same name. I did not author the
Scott Adams Adventure Games for computers. I did not go to your school.
The person you know is not my relative. I am not your ex-husband. We
were not childhood friends. I am not related to Douglas Adams. Despite
what your friend says, I don't know him/her.
Dilbert is not gaining weight. There is no particular reason that
neither Dilbert nor Dogbert have obvious mouths.
The most frequently asked question is "Why does Dilbert's tie curl up
like that?" The answer is either A) It's a metaphor for his inability to
control his environment or B) He's just glad to see you.
The boss character has no name. Dogbert's breed is unspecified.
Dilbert's company has no name. It's intentionally unclear what they do
for a living, but Dilbert has a degree in Electrical Engineering from
MIT.
Printing, Copying, Reprinting, Licensing of Dilbert
---------------------------------------------------
The copyright and trademark for Dilbert are owned by United Media in New
York. You can call them at 800-221-4816 (International callers use
+1-212-293-8500). There would be a fee that depends on how you want to
use the strip or the characters.
About the Dilbert List
----------------------
It costs you nothing to be on the Dilbert Newsletter list, except for the
cost of your own e-mail.
I'm using a "List Server" system to automate this process. So this
newsletter will come to you from a different e-mail address than my
personal one. Don't "reply" to the newsletter address please.
The frequency of the Dilbert Newsletter is approximately "whenever I feel
like it" which should be about three or four times a year.
How to Subscribe Automatically
------------------------------
You can subscribe to the Dilbert List automatically by sending an e-mail
with the address, subject and message shown:
Address: listproc@internex.net
Subject: Dilbert
Message: subscribe Dilbert_List Joe Blow
(except put your real name instead of Joe Blow).
Your e-mail address will be picked up automatically, so you need not
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Unsubscribing
-------------
If you want to take your name off the list automatically, send an e-mail
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unsubscribe Dilbert_List
Put only the word "Dilbert" in the subject line.
Getting Old Newsletters
-----------------------
You can get back issues of the Dilbert Newsletter automatically by
sending an e-mail with this precise form:
Address: listproc@internex.net
Subject: Dilbert
Message: get dilbert_list newsletter_1.0
You can use that command form for newletters 1.0 through 10.0, sending a
different message for each. They might arrive out of order or take a day
or two. This doesn't work for everybody, for reasons none can fathom.
But the best way is to visit the Dilbert Web site if you have a Web
browser. http://www.unitedmedia.com/comics/dilbert/
I can't send back issues by e-mail for reasons you wouldn't believe if I
told you.
Problems Signing Up for the Newsletter
--------------------------------------
If you tried unsuccessfully to subscribe to the newsletter just send
e-mail to me and I'll sign you up manually. My personal address is still
scottadams@aol.com
If you try to change your password (which you don't need to do, since
only I can post to the list anyway) and you get a strange message saying
you're not on the list, ignore it. It's a "feature."
Reprinting This Newsletter
--------------------------
Feel free to copy, post and distribute this newsletter within the bounds
of good netiquette.
Scott Adams
scottadams@aol.com
