[1186] in Dilbert Redistribution
Dilbert Newsletter 68.0
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (DNRC-newsletter@unitedmedia.com)
Thu Feb 21 10:33:16 2008
From: DNRC-newsletter@unitedmedia.com
To: null null <dilbert-redist@mit.edu>
Date: Thu, 21 Feb 2008 10:08:00 -0500
DNRC UPDATE
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Dogbert’s New Ruling Class boasts 533,198 members. Each of you has a brain so bright that when you stifle a sneeze, two beams of light shoot out of your ear holes. You don’t see it because you close your eyes when you sneeze.
WIDGETS
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If you don’t know what a widget is, you are so-o-o-o 2006. A widget is a little program you stick on your personal web page (MySpace, Facebook, iGoogle, blog, and more) to do a variety of different things.
The Dilbert Widget has arrived! And it is totally free. You can have Dilbert piped directly to your personal web page, and appear in the widget every day. You can also view the archive, and vote on favorite strips, all from the widget. Best of all, the strip is in color when viewed in the widget.
Over a million people viewed the Dilbert Widget in its first two weeks. Don’t be a technology left-behind. Grab your free Dilbert widget today. No real technical knowledge is needed.
http://widget.dilbert.com/
HIT SONG WRITTEN BY COMMITTEE
==============================
Recently on the Dilbert Blog, I mused about the seeming randomness of the lyrics of popular songs. And I challenged my readers to submit random lyrics of their own that could be combined into a song.
Lots of people submitted their random lyrics, and German band RIVO DREI put the best ones together, added music, and created a surprisingly great little song.
One of my blog readers took it an extra step and made a music video using nothing but images from the Internet. You might be surprised how well it came out:
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=TiH9dbAsAp0
TRUE TALES OF INDUHVIDUALS
===========================
Here are some true tales of people who put the duh in induhvidual.
"Locally we have a grocery chain called Bi-Lo. We were sitting around the office one day talking about living on farms and drinking milk from the cows. One girl said she wouldn't drink milk from a cow, only milk from Bi-Lo. The stunned silence was deafening."
"We were given our yearly evaluations and handed our objectives for the upcoming year: "Everyone must exceed the Team Average in sales dollars." My boss explained that this was not a case of exceeding a previous average; all ten of us were expected to be above whatever our current average was."
"My business partner and his wife were traveling out west and decided to visit Hoover Dam. As they neared this great engineering feat she noticed all the power lines extending from the dam and commented to him, 'Gee, I never would have guessed it takes so much power to run a dam.'"
EXCERPT FROM THE DILBERT BLOG
===============================
Here’s my most popular recent post from The Dilbert Blog:
Last week, my in-laws were in town. While they were out visiting some other relatives, I took my turn watching their dog, Mollie. At this point, I should pause and mention that I haven’t had a dog since I was a kid. And in those days, in the country, when the dog felt nature’s call, we’d simply let the dog out, and it would use any part of our 2.5 acres as its toilet. Later, if you wanted to throw a ball around, you just kicked the (usually) frozen logettes to the side to clear a path. In those simple times, you weren’t playing a sport unless someone ended up covered in dog feces. It was just part of the game.
These days, things are quite different. Today, if you go to school covered in dog feces, there’s a stigma. And of course there’s the leash law. But nothing takes the joy out of a walk in the fresh air quite like being required to carry a plastic purse full of dog poop.
Back to my story, I took Mollie for a walk, thinking I understood how this process worked. The leash was no mystery. It had a cool spring action with a pistol grip. I liked that part. And I grabbed an official poop bag on the way out of the house. I was ready for anything.
Within a minute, Mollie laid down a steamer. I think she had been eating the cat food, because it wasn’t the firm little log I was expecting. But I soldiered on, turning the bag inside out like a glove, and grabbing the warm pile that melted in my hand. It wasn’t pleasant in the usual sense of the word, but I experienced some satisfaction in a job well done. I tied the bag into a tidy little package and intended to head home.
That’s when I noticed Mollie had just begun to poop. I don’t know if she was trying to spell “HELP” in case a rescue plane flew over, or what, but by now she was in full production. Step, squat, step, squat.
I looked at my tidy little bag, now sealed, and realized I was screwed. I knew the neighbors would be looking, or feared they might. I couldn’t leave this Katrina-sized disaster and get another bag lest someone think, incorrectly, that I had abandoned my doody. So I decided to see if I could untie the pooper bag and have another go at the new deposits. This plan did not work as smoothly as I had hoped.
Do you know what is NOT effective for picking up warm piles of poop? If you guessed “other warm piles of poop,” you might have been in this situation yourself. It was like trying to pick up mashed potatoes with a catcher’s mitt. And I was hurrying, so needless to say, back at the house I needed the Karen Silkwood treatment to feel clean again.
Later, when my in-laws returned, I told the story. Larry, a laid-back gentleman from Arkansas, turned to his wife Cheryl and drawled “Mollie double-bagged him.” Let me tell you, the only thing that could have made my experience worse was finding out my in-laws have a name for it.
For more of The Dilbert Blog:
http://www.dilbertblog.typepad.com/
MY RESTAURANT ADVENTURES
===========================
Many people asked for an update on how I was doing at my side job of managing my restaurant, Stacey’s at Waterford.
After taking the management reigns in August, my first order of business was to redesign the restaurant’s web site. Our old site was an amateur job. It was hurting us more than it helped. In our wired world, it is rare for people to try a new restaurant before checking the web site. In the restaurant business, at least in our area, advertising of any sort is generally useless. But a good web site is hugely important.
Once the web site was redesigned, I cranked up the publicity engine and drove lots of traffic to the site. That guarantees it comes up near the top when people are searching for a banquet or wedding site. And that makes our phone ring. Check it out.
http://www.Eatatstaceys.com
I also installed a 58” flat screen TV above the bar, running a loop of Dilbert comics during lunch, and showing sports at night. It transformed the entire ambiance of the bar into something special. And it gives people something to talk about in terms of my connection to the business.
At the same time, we installed free WiFi, and acquired our own in-house microphone, speakers, projector, and huge screen for the banquet room. Anything a Dilbert can imagine, we can handle. We’re starting to see a lot of laptops at lunch. I love that.
We hired a new chef, but he only lasted a few months before leaving for personal reasons. Our 21-year old sous chef had to step in and run the kitchen for the entire holiday season. He did so well that no one could think of a reason he shouldn’t get the chef job. It turns out he’s gifted. (He landed his first kitchen job at the age of 13.) Our food is the best ever.
Our Director of Events created a Murder Mystery night, some singles events, and we hosted our first wedding. Our banquet business, which is our main focus for growth, is up sharply. Last night I stopped in to eat, without a reservation, and couldn’t get a seat. I’ve never been so happy to be turned away by a restaurant.
We have lots of work to do, but our strategy of focusing on private and corporate events, and using the web site as our front door, is working well. We get several banquet inquiries per day now, largely because of the web site, and book almost all of them.
I’m far from competent when it comes to restaurant management, so I try to stick to the marketing and strategy end of things where I know a thing or two. For the rest, I employ great people who have an internal need to do things well for their own sense of self. So far, that is working.
TRUE QUOTES FROM INDUHVIDUALS
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"I love it when it stays light out until it gets dark."
"If my father were alive he would be turning over in his grave."
"I'd like to wish a happy 15th anniversary to our extinguished colleague."
"Man, I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous!"
"You couldn't pay me to work on commission."
“They’re going through paper like it grows on trees.”
Ask Dogbert
============
Dogbert answers your tough questions with tough love.
==
Dear Dogbert,
Who should I vote for in the presidential election?
Dwayne
Dear Drain,
Your vote only helps if you are smarter than the average voter. In other words, the country will be okay if you sit this one out.
Sincerely,
Dogbert
==
Dear Dogbert,
I want to impress women. What kind of car should I buy?
Farzad
Dear Farthead,
Buy Justin Timberlake’s car and weld him inside it. Chicks love that.
Sincerely,
Dogbert
==
Dear Dogbert,
How can I quickly lose 20 pounds of ugly fat?
Craig
Dear Crud,
Try cutting off your head. Yes, I know it’s an old joke. But that doesn’t make it bad advice.
Sincerely,
Dogbert
==
Dear Dogbert,
How can I make money off of this whole global warming thing?
Albert
Dear Allbutt,
Try buying life insurance and standing neck-deep in the ocean.
Sincerely,
Dogbert
==
Dear Dogbert,
There's a girl I like that probably doesn't like me. There's another girl that likes me a lot, but I only like her a little. Assuming they are both relatively attractive, which should I go for?
Tim
Dear Tomb,
The one who likes you obviously has some perception problems. That sort of thing doesn't get better. Go for the one who probably doesn't like you and hope you get lucky and hit a window where she wants to get revenge on her ex.
Sincerely,
Dogbert
Do you have questions about office politics, meeting etiquette, romancing your boss, the meaning of life, or anything else? Send your questions to scottadams@aol.com and Dogbert will provide answers in the next Dilbert Newsletter. --
Dilbert Fodder
===========
What's bugging you about your job? Let me know and you might see it in a Dilbert comic or newsletter. The best comic fodder involves workplace peeves, devious strategies, frustrations of dealing with others, conflicting objectives, unintended management consequences, and of course my favorite - idiot bosses.
And I love True Tales of Induhviduals and true quotes.
And if you're seeing any new management trends that need to be mocked, I can help. Send your (brief) suggestions to me at:
scottadams@aol.com.
IMPORTANT: Put "Dilbert" at the end of your subject line so my spam filter won't bounce it back.
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