[1161] in Dilbert Redistribution
Dilbert Newsletter 67.0
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (DNRC-newsletter@unitedmedia.com)
Mon Dec 10 18:15:33 2007
From: "DNRC-newsletter@unitedmedia.com" <DNRC-newsletter@unitedmedia.com>
To: null null <dilbert-redist@mit.edu>
Date: Mon, 10 Dec 2007 17:52:45 -0500
Dilbert Newsletter 67.0
"A Little Ray of Bitter Sunshine"
December 2007
Click this link to see the newsletter in all of its majestic HTML beauty on the Web:
http://www.dilbert.com/comics/dilbert/dnrc/html/newsletter67.html
DNRC UPDATE
===========
Dogbert’s New Ruling Class boasts 533,198 members. Each of you is so wise that owls try to mate with you, usually while shrieking, “Hoooo-hooooo-hoooo’s your daddy?!!” (Owls are not as funny as you’d think.)
EXCERPT FROM THE DILBERT BLOG
==============================
Dogbert’s New Ruling Class boasts 533,198 members. Each of you is so wise that owls try to mate with you, usually while shrieking, “Hoooo-hooooo-hoooo’s your daddy?!!” (Owls are not as funny as you’d think.)
EXCERPT FROM THE DILBERT BLOG
===============================
Which of these two things is easier?
A. Planning the invasion of Normandy
B. Planning a holiday party
If you are male, you might think a party involves invitations, food, booze, and decorations. It seems simple. But if there is a woman in your life, step one of the party preparation process can involve anything from aerating the lawn, to attending mime school in France, to lifting the house with cranes and putting it on stilts. There’s a whole other level that sneaks up on you, and it doesn’t end until the doorbell rings.
One of the most useless party customs is giving attendees gifts as they leave. These guests already gave you a hostess gift when they arrived. The obvious solution would be to tell guests to throw their incoming gifts in a pile by the entrance, next to the shoes. When people leave, they can rummage through the pile and pick something they didn’t bring. Pardon my French, but I think a “voila” is called for.
Remember, any problem that can be solved using the word “rummage” is bound to be efficient. And efficiency is the key to good party-giving.
A hard part of hosting is guessing the right amount of food you need, which usually means getting three times more than people will eat. Another problem is that people refuse to line up when the food is out. You can solve both of these problems by getting less food than your guests are likely to want. After you host a few parties, word will get around, and people will go straight to the buffet line as soon as they arrive and toss their hostess gifts by the shoe pile.
For more of The Dilbert Blog:
http://www.dilbertblog.typepad.com/
BOOK BLURB CONTEST WINNERS
=============================
Recently I held a contest to promote my non-Dilbert book, Stick to Drawing Comics, Monkey Brain! Here’s a link to the book, and the winners below.
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1591841852?ie=UTF8&tag=dilbertcom-20&linkCode=as2&camp=1789&creative=9325&creativeASIN=1591841852
GRAND PRIZE WINNER
==================
"'What a perfect companion for my afternoon milk bath," I thought while picking up this little gem on my way home from work. Within the hour I had laughed myself into a neck-deep tomb of butter. My wife came in, sipping her eggnog, and topped me with meringue."
Nicolas Feia
1. (First runner up)
Like a diligent little dung beetle, Adams slogs through the online jungle searching for fresh nuggets of news to polish into his daily blog entries. Some people say you can’t polish a turd, but after reading this book, I’d say they’re just not rubbing hard enough.
Matt Nelson
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2. As a smokin' hot woman, I found this book hilariously funny and I'd seriously consider making out with any guy I saw reading it.
Diana Wales
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3. I HAVE to buy this book! My kidnappers had a copy but my dad foolishly paid the ransom an hour too soon.
Richard Factor
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4. "This book was so good, I showed it to my wife and said, 'This is how sex is supposed to feel like."
Richard Yee
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5. If my dog could read, this is definitely the one book that I would want her to read to me!
Vincent Bernatowicz
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6. I was so upset when Grandad passed away from a Viagra overdose...It took us two weeks to nail the lid down on the coffin. I thought I'd never laugh again, until I read "STICK TO DRAWING COMICS, MONKEY-BRAIN". Scott Adams cures the jaded.
John Robinson
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7. Everything my children are learning in school is wrong. I used to think. Now I know. Kids, your new textbook is here! Welcome to home school.
Nicolas Feia
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8. This book immediately grabbed me by my cookies. Can't wait to have them dunked in the sequel.
Jonathan Germann
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9. I squeezed my eyes so hard when I laughed that it corrected the shape of my corneas and now I read better when I take my glasses off! Really! This book saved me a ton of money on laser eye surgery.
Joanne Powers
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10. I read every other page with my good eye closed. Now I can see music.
Billy Hart
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11. I used to be a nobody, and now i have a comment on the back of a book!
Chitrak Bandyopadhyay
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12. Man oh man, this is the kind of book my Pappy used to read to me before I went to sleep each night. Scott Adams, are you my Pappy?
Vincent Bernatowicz
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13. Even though this book killed my father, broke my brother’s legs, sold my mother into a life of prostitution, burnt our home to ashes, and left me an orphan on the street, jitter-bugging for pennies, I can not stay mad at it…it is just too funny.
Kevin Allen
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14. I started reading Stick to Drawing Comics, Monkey-Brain to my unborn child and it burst from my womb like that thing in Alien, grabbed the book and went back in. Damn baby, now I have to buy another copy.
Michael Rauma
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15. The reason that upper management restricted internet usage, now in convenient book form.
Rob Davis
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16. A delightful read...it has everything; humor, words, dangling participles, and did I detect a hint of nutmeg?
Chris Bachman
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17. This book was so funny my horse cried.
Jarrod Lancaster
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18. "Dear heirs, when I die please bury me with this book and Mr. Sniffles (the cat, not the butler)."
Carlos Gonzalez-Najera
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19. Scott Adams does it again. He does it hard, fast, and for money, just the way we like it. Life may go on if you don’t buy this book, but you’ll always wonder “What if?”
Erik Guttormsen
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20. I was reading this to my mother when she died. She refused to enter the light until I had finished.
Geoff Bonvallet
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21. A book so overflowing with brilliance and wit, it actually improves the quality of nearby books! Resellers: please stock a few copies of this book in your Garfield and Left Behind sections.
Paul Roub
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22. Like peanut butter for the soul.
John Coleman
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23. Finally, the answer to the question “What would Jesus read?”
Jim White
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24. "Learn Scott Adams' money-making real estate secrets in his runaway bestseller "STICK TO DRAWING COMICS, MONKEY-BRAIN!"
Bill Malloy
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25. Scott Adams brings it! That’s just the way he rolls, Dog. Word!!!
Vincent Bernatowicz
The rest of these entries were disqualified for various reasons, but are worth noting for their wittiness.
A snake made me read this book and it made me aware of my own nudity! Totally worth it!
Michael Collett (disqualified)
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Ernest Hemingway meets Ayn Rand...but then after the initial "hellos" there's this awkward silence, until he says something inappropriate like "nice tits" and she's all like "Say what!?", and they get into a slap fight.
SJC (disqualified)
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I don't want to say that this is the best book ever written, but as I slid it into my bookshelf a chorus of angels began to sing and my other novels were engulfed in holy flame. I guess that's a little ambiguous, though.
Ryan (disqualified)
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From the monkeys who typed Shakespeare comes the stunning sequel!
Okgenuine (disqualified)
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"Ask yourself, what would Jesus buy?"
simon (disqualified)
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"All the brilliance and wit of a blog, but in book form for old people like you!"
David (disqualified)
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Imagine if your mom was on fire. That's what this book is like.
JVC Headphones (disqualified)
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Hey, other reviewers! If you like this book so much, why don't you marry it?
ErinP (disqualified)
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I've imagined a book like this for years! To avoid disappointment I won't be reading it, but you definitely should! I hear it's GREAT!
$8 (disqualified)
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Before I found this, I was a pathetic, depressed, underappreciated, overworked, sexually impotent, joyless shell of a man. Now, I'm all those things with a funny book.
Kevin (disqualified)
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I haven't felt this moist in years!
Chosti (disqualified)
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This book is so good, I'm buying two so that each eye can have its own copy.
Eric (disqualified)
DILBERT KICKS ME IN THE ‘NADS
=============================
If you ever wondered what it would look like to see Dilbert kick his creator in the virtual nuts, watch this clip taken from my book PR tour, where I appeared in Second Life.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=mRFSFvrLWo0
DILBERT CALENDAR TIME
=====================
If you go back to work on January 2nd without your new Dilbert calendar, life will seem empty. Here’s the Amazon link, or visit your local bookstore.
Dilbert: 2008 Day-to-Day Calendar
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0740766422?ie=UTF8&tag=dilbertcom-20&linkCode=as2&camp=1789&creative=9325&creativeASIN=0740766422
CRUELTY IN COMICS
=================
My latest Dilbert book is called Cubes and Punishment. It’s a compilation of comics that featured unusual workplace cruelty. If your idea of humor is “bad things happening to other people,” this book is right up your alley. Here’s a link.
Cubes and Punishment
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0740768379?ie=UTF8&tag=dilbertcom-20&linkCode=as2&camp=1789&creative=9325&creativeASIN=0740768379
MY RESTAURANT ADVENTURES
========================
Recently the New York Times sent a writer to find out just how bad a boss I am at my restaurant. I told my employees to be honest about my flaws when the writer asked. I didn’t expect the staff to suddenly start doing what I asked, so the results were surprising.
http://www.nytimes.com/2007/11/11/business/11dilbert.html?_r=1&oref=slogin
On the plus side, business is booming since the article came out.
http://www.Eatatstaceys.com
Ask Dogbert
===========
Dogbert answers your tough questions with tough love.
==
Dear Dogbert,
What can I buy for the man who has everything?
Ashley
Dear Assley,
If he had everything, he’d have a woman who knows how to buy him presents.
Sincerely,
Dogbert
==
Dear Dogbert,
How do holiday traditions get started? I mean, who goes first?
Brian
Dear Brine,
Traditions are started by attractive people who are not too bright. Ugly people can’t start trends, with the obvious exception of scrapping, because no one wants to do what ugly people do. And smart people are unlikely to come up with ideas such as killing a perfectly good tree, covering it with crap, and keeping it in the living room for a month.
Sincerely,
Dogbert
==
Dear Dogbert,
If I receive a gift I do not like, is it polite to throw the wrapping paper in the face of the giver, rant about injustice, and sell it on eBay?
Martin
Dear Fartin,
That’s one way to go. I also recommend the fake cough with the embedded funny word, as in COUGH*regift*COUGH! That way, everyone at the gathering can mock the giver for his poor gifting skills.
Sincerely,
Dogbert
==
Dear Dogbert,
My parents told me that every time I ask Santa for a gift, an angel will lose its wings. That seems like a fair arrangement to me, but is there any risk the wingless angel would fall on my head and kill me?
Brent
Dear Bent,
Wingless angels generally burn up on reentry. It’s nothing that a little shampoo can’t cure.
Sincerely,
Dogbert
==
Do you have questions about office politics, meeting etiquette, romancing your boss, the meaning of life, or anything else? Send your questions to
scottadams@aol.com and Dogbert will provide answers in the next Dilbert Newsletter. --
Dilbert Fodder
---------------
What's bugging you about your job? Let me know and you might see it in a Dilbert comic or newsletter. The best comic fodder involves workplace peeves, devious strategies, frustrations of dealing with others, conflicting objectives, unintended management consequences, and of course my favorite - idiot bosses.
And I love True Tales of Induhviduals and true quotes.
And if you're seeing any new management trends that need to be mocked, I can help. Send your (brief) suggestions to me at:
scottadams@aol.com.
IMPORTANT: Put "Dilbert" at the end of your subject line so my spam filter won't bounce it back.
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