[1144] in Dilbert Redistribution
Dilbert Newsletter 66.0
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (DNRC-newsletter@unitedmedia.com)
Tue Oct 23 15:40:42 2007
From: "DNRC-newsletter@unitedmedia.com" <DNRC-newsletter@unitedmedia.com>
To: null null <dilbert-redist@mit.edu>
Date: Tue, 23 Oct 2007 14:28:35 -0400
Dilbert Newsletter 66.0
"A Little Ray of Bitter Sunshine"
October 2007
Click this link to see the newsletter in all of its majestic HTML beauty on the Web:
http://www.dilbert.com/comics/dilbert/dnrc/html/newsletter66.html
DNRC UPDATE
===========
Dogbert’s New Ruling Class boasts 530,553 members. Each of you is so bright that your light CAN escape from a black hole. And when you concentrate, the heat from your brain increases global warming so much that a polar bear dies. But if it makes you feel any better, that polar bear was flatulent, so the Earth breaks even.
MY NEW NON-DILBERT HUMOR BOOK
==============================
It’s called “STICK TO DRAWING COMICS, MONKEY-BRAIN!”
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1591841852?ie=UTF8&tag=dilbertcom-20&linkCode=as2&camp=1789&creative=9325&creativeASIN=1591841852
More on that below.
The DILBERT BLOG
=================
Here’s an excerpt from The Dilbert Blog. I wrote this one during my recent trip to New York City.
===
This week I am in Manhattan, living like a New Yorker. I have learned many things about the city. Today I will teach you how to ride the subway.
First, when you drop part of a cookie in the subway station, the five second rule does not apply. That cookie is dead before it hits the ground.
Second, when someone with a badge throws you on the ground, puts your arm behind your back, puts his knee on your neck, and yells, “DO NOT RESIST! DO NOT RESIST!” you should not resist. I learned this by watching. I also learned that you are not supposed to watch. You are supposed to “KEEP ON MOVING!”
To ride the subway, you must purchase a card with a magnetic strip. You learn this by observing other people “in the know” swiping their cards as they enter the turnstile. There are many options for what type of card you might want for particular purposes, and no apparent posted instructions. Luckily, you can ask for guidance from a helpful person who is behind thick glass. This transaction involves mumbling, rushing, condescension, the supposition that you are a moron, much evidence to support that assumption, and eventually the exchange of money for a little card that may or may not have some application for riding the subway.
Once armed with your little card, you swipe it on the turnstile. This is a frightening experience because there are at least nine wrong ways to swipe a card in a turnstile. I discovered all of them as a line of impatient New Yorkers formed behind me. I was holding the card the right way, and swiping it in the right direction, but as a uniformed guard eventually showed me, there is also something about the speed, trajectory, and possibly your state of mind that is also necessary for the turnstile to accept the card. I don't know how many times the turnstile has to reject you before the guy with the badge puts his knee on your neck and starts yelling “DO NOT RESIST!” but I am sure I was close to the limit.
Once you are on the subway, you must find a seat next to a person you judge least likely to drool on you, rob you, or start a conversation. My wife picked a guy who eventually fell asleep and slumped on her. I picked a guy who was muffin-topping into my seat and listening to an iPod. We felt blessed with our choices.
Next comes the wondering if you are heading in the right direction. There is one sign in each subway car showing the names of stations along the line. This sign is printed with tiny lettering so only the people sitting directly below it can read it. I didn’t want to risk losing my sweet seat next to the muffin-top guy so I relied on listening to the conductor announce the stations.
The announcements sound like Charlie Brown’s teacher on Quaaludes, approximately this: “Muwa muwa muwa.” I assume the conductors have the option of speaking in some language that humans can understand, but that is not their way. So we defaulted to the “get off when most other people get off” method of navigation. This worked well traveling from Grand Central Station to the US Open tennis match in Flushing. To travel to any other destination, you have to become a native, either intentionally or because you can’t figure out how to get to the airport.
For more of The Dilbert Blog:
http://www.dilbertblog.typepad.com/
MY NEW NON-DILBERT BOOK
=======================
I wrote my first non-Dilbert humor book. It’s called STICK TO DRAWING COMICS, MONKEY BRAIN! It’s a hardcover collection of my best humor writings from my blog. (The chapters are no longer available on the blog archive.)
If you wonder what my sense of humor is like in person, this book is the frightening answer. I don’t recommend it for kids.
Most of the book is irreverent humor, but my niche is what I call the “dancing monkey” style of writing. I ask humorously provocative questions that are designed to make your dogmatic friends go nuts. You can use the questions in the book to turn a dull social gathering into an entertaining (for you) showcase of dancing monkeys who insist they are open minded when in reality – not so much. It’s evil, but it’s fun. I call it philosotainment.
What’s up with the book title? A common theme throughout my career is that every time I try something different, helpful Induhviduals advise me to “keep my day job.” Lately, that has turned into “Stick to drawing comics!” If I listened to that sort of advice, I never would have tried anything interesting in my life. And life is somewhat pointless without adventure. I hope you’ll join me on this one.
This book is an ideal gift for someone in your life who is a bit twisted. If you plan to buy it, this is the best week to do it. Most people won’t buy a book until other people go first. You’d be doing me a big favor, and if it hits the best seller list because of you, well, that makes your gift seem more valuable. Everyone wins. Here’s a link for Amazon, or you can ask for it at your local bookstore.
Buy: Stick to Drawing Comics, Monkey Brain!
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1591841852?ie=UTF8&tag=dilbertcom-20&linkCode=as2&camp=1789&creative=9325&creativeASIN=1591841852
BOOK BLURB CONTEST
==================
You can win a free framed original Dilbert comic, or a signed copy of STICK TO DRAWING COMICS, MONKEY BRAIN! by entering the blurb contest on my blog. Just come up with the funniest fake book blurb.
Best of all, the winning blurb will also be published on the book jacket for subsequent print runs. If that doesn’t impress your friends, you need new friends, preferably ones with less interesting lives of their own, so you look better in comparison.
See details on the blog at
http://dilbertblog.typepad.com/the_dilbert_blog/2007/10/its-a-book-it-1.html
KICK ME IN MY VIRTUAL GONADS!
=============================
I’ll be doing a virtual book signing in the online world called Second Life on October 30th, at 9 pm EST. My avatar will be handing out free Dilbert posters for your virtual homes in Second Life. Best yet, the system will be programmed so your avatar can kick my avatar in the crotch. (Really.) How fun is that? And in the Q&A session you can ask me any question your avatar isn’t embarrassed to utter.
Scott Adams Virtual Book Tour
http://slurl.com/secondlife/Kula%204/248/250/32/?img=http%3A//www.aimeeweber.com/ScottAdamsSlurl.jpg&title=Scott%20Adams%20Virtual%20Book%20Tour
INDUHVIDUAL QUOTES
===================
Thanks to the observant readers of the Dilbert Newsletter, here are more True Quotes from the people who put the duh in Induhvidual:
"There's more than one way to peel a cat."
"That woman uses olive oil like it grows on trees."
"He'd give you the arm off his back."
"You play ball with me and I'll scratch yours."
"We do not have a smoking cow at this point."
"It's our golden goose. We better figure out how to make her purr."
"You are in the top one hundred percent."
"She has four kids, and she's pregnant with her third."
"He'd still be alive today if he hadn't died.”
"How many quarters can you cut an apple into?"
"The gunman was believed to be armed."
"Why don't they just put the water back in the lake when it's been through the generator?"
"I'm up to my earballs in work."
"It's a dog eat dog world, and by golly, we better make sure we're the dog."
"I'm up to my ass in elbows and alligators."
"Is your nephew a boy or a girl?"
"Put yourself in my pants."
"I just got bit by a bee! Those damn bees have the sharpest teeth I have ever seen!"
“Do you think this store has any of that fellatio bread?" "This week, if not sooner."
"People are dying like pancakes around here."
DILBERT CALENDAR TIME
=====================
If you go back to work on January 2nd without your new Dilbert calendar, life will seem empty. Here’s the Amazon link, or visit your local bookstore.
Dilbert: 2008 Day-to-Day Calendar
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0740766422?ie=UTF8&tag=dilbertcom-20&linkCode=as2&camp=1789&creative=9325&creativeASIN=0740766422
CRUELTY IN COMICS
=================
My latest Dilbert book is called Cubes and Punishment. It’s a compilation of comics that featured unusual workplace cruelty. If your idea of humor is “bad things happening to other people,” this book is right up your alley. Here’s a link.
Buy: Cubes and Punishment
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0740768379?ie=UTF8&tag=dilbertcom-20&linkCode=as2&camp=1789&creative=9325&creativeASIN=0740768379
TRUE TALES OF INDUHVIDUALS
==========================
Thanks to the loyal members of Dogbert’s New Ruling Class for submitting these true tales of Induhvidualism.
==
We are driving through the countryside and pass a ranch. My girlfriend’s expression brightens and she squeals “Look at the pretty horses!” I look over and observe several cows. I reply, “No dear, those are not horses; they are cows.” The bright expression drains from her face and is replaced with a sulky and angry glare. She responds, “I don’t care what they are called; you can still ride them!”
==
My son and I were changing light bulbs together and he asked, "Why do people make jokes about changing light bulbs? I mean, it’s so easy!"
==
One of my father-in-law's calculus students inquired about the status of her mid-term exam. Upon learning that she had scored 7 points, she asked how many points were possible. "One hundred points," my father-in-law replied. "Oh, man, that's like two percent!" she responded in disbelief.
==
Yesterday I was an Induhvidual. I stopped by an auto dealer to buy some touch up paint. To ensure the color was correct, I touched up a couple of chipped areas on my car. Then I pressed the button on my key fob, but the door didn't unlock. After a couple more tries I realized I touched up the wrong car. My car - same model and color - was right next to it.
==
I was in a geography class and the teacher asked "Any questions?" The student next to me piped up "Is that map life size?"
POINTY-HAIRED ME
================
I mock managers for a living. This makes people curious what kind of manager I would be. I decided to find out. I co-own two restaurants, with my long-time business partner Stacey, who is the operating manager. Recently, Stacey agreed to let me manage one of them, primarily for her amusement.
My management style involves flailing around and hoping something lucky happens. In the first month, I hired a new chef, had the web site redesigned, and put a bigger focus on banquets and events.
But what’s in it for you?
I’ll give you a free signed Dilbert squeeze doll and a signed book if you book a party of 20 people or more, for a business event, birthday party, holiday, wedding, or whatever. If you don’t live in the Dublin/Pleasanton Tri-Valley area of California, you probably know someone who knows someone who does. Ask that person to book the event and send you the goods. I’ll give that person a signed squeeze doll too.
[Tip: Major companies in the area include Safeway, Sybase, Oracle, Carl Zeiss, Top Con, Robert Half, Comcast, Blackhawk Networks, Kraft, Morgan Stanley, Clorox, Chevron, AT&T, MicroDental, etc.]
Here’s my restaurant’s web site. I’m managing Stacey’s at Waterford, but I’ll reward you for a banquet at Stacey’s Café as well.
http://www.Eatatstaceys.com
And here’s what the squeeze dolls look like. (They are terrific.)
Available for purchase at Amazon.com!
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B000UQ59G4?ie=UTF8&tag=dilbertcom-20&linkCode=as2&camp=1789&creative=9325&creativeASIN=B000UQ59G4
Ask Dogbert
============
Dogbert answers your tough questions with tough love.
==
Dear Dogbert,
Everyone says I need a hobby, but I can’t think of anything to collect. Do you have any suggestions?
Simone
Dear Simian,
Hobbies are nature’s way of telling you no one wants to be your friend. There’s no point in collecting things that are hard to find, so I recommend collecting people who don’t enjoy spending time with you.
Sincerely,
Dogbert
==
Dear Dogbert,
I am changing careers, and I don’t know how to use a computer. What kind of career should I pursue?
Chris
Dear Crust,
I recommend seeking employment in a wax museum that ran out of wax. You’d also be a good candidate for a medical cadaver, provided you’re not ticklish, and not a screamer.
Sincerely,
Dogbert
==
Dear Dogbert,
My wife keeps asking me to fix things around the house, but I have no handyman skills. What should I do?
Ernie
Dear Hernia,
What you have there is an imbalance in the relationship. You can find balance by learning how to be a handyman, or telling your wife that her cooking is awful. Only one of those two things can be accomplished while watching TV.
Sincerely,
Dogbert
==
Dear Dogbert,
I have low self-esteem. What should I do about it?
Winthrop
Dear Worthless,
I recommend becoming my unpaid servant for life. Otherwise, everyone will think you’re a total loser.
Sincerely,
Dogbert
==
Do you have questions about office politics, meeting etiquette, romancing your boss, the meaning of life, or anything else? Send your questions to
scottadams@aol.com and Dogbert will provide answers in the next Dilbert Newsletter. --
Dilbert Fodder
---------------
What's bugging you about your job? Let me know and you might see it in a Dilbert comic or newsletter. The best comic fodder involves workplace peeves, devious strategies, frustrations of dealing with others, conflicting objectives, unintended management consequences, and of course my favorite - idiot bosses.
And I love True Tales of Induhviduals and true quotes.
And if you're seeing any new management trends that need to be mocked, I can help. Send your (brief) suggestions to me at:
scottadams@aol.com.
IMPORTANT: Put "Dilbert" at the end of your subject line so my spam filter won't bounce it back.
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