[779] in Daily_Rumour
The Latest Edition of the Daily Reamer, with a Special Insert!
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (teg@Athena.MIT.EDU)
Fri Feb 19 00:57:28 1993
From: teg@Athena.MIT.EDU
To: rumor@Athena.MIT.EDU
Date: Fri, 19 Feb 93 00:56:37 EST
The Daily Reamer
February 18, 1993
Volume 42, Number 5
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Bomb Count Continues to Drop
Those few out-of-the-way missiles are still being diligently pursued by the
governments of the world. Only 5,376 bombs remain to be defused and taken
away. Mt. Everest is reported to be safe after an heroic group of mountain
climbers reached the summit and pushed it off to the ground below, where it
was instantly defused by those waiting bomb experts not flattened beneath it.
Body Found in Student Center -- Campus Police Warn of Midnight Marauder
At apporximately 5:00 this morning, the body of Bobby Balloon was found on the
fourth floor of the Stratton Student Center by Joe Average Freshman. Mr.
Freshman summoned a military patrol immediately after losing his dinner,
although bystanders testified that this had more to do with Lobdell's Pasta
Bar than the body. Mr. Balloon apparently died of a gunshot wound in the
throat. He also had a skull-and-crossbones stamped on his forehead. No
personal effects were found on him except his fencing foil. Campus police
warn students that they should stay in groups for protection until the
murderer is found.
Sam Kruse Arrested -- Taken Off Campus
Sam Kruse was arrested last night by General Schwartzenkopf and Major Cisco.
While being escorted to Campus Police Headquarters, Cisco made a break for it
and was immediately apprehended by numerous tanks on Vassar Street. Kruse was
seen later last night being escorted into a military vehicle which then took
him off the MIT campus.
[GM Note: Jason Solinsky is no longer in the game. Treat him as a ghost.]
Communications Satellite Wins Airplane Competition
The Paper Airplane Demonstration held by Professor Yasuaki Ninomiya went
smoothly right up to the launching of the various models of paper airplane,
at which point what is assumed to be a communications satellite rather rudely
crashed into Building 3. The wreckage was largely unidentifiable, but certain
members of the SCA were seen carrying off pieces of scorched metal to be
forged into armor for their upcoming event. Bystanders and competitors alike
agreed that, despite its ungraceful landing, the consat clearly won the
competition.
Charles River Monster Sighting
The Charles River Monster was not sighted not trying to catch falling
communications satellites in its mouth.
SPECIAL EDITION *** SPECIAL EDITION *** SPECIAL EDITION *** SPECIAL EDITION*
IBM President Hideously Mutated!
The President of IBM wandered into the Lounge of Our Lady of the All Night Tool
at 10:00 this evening looking drastically different. His skin was pitch
black, he had lost all his hair, and he was somehow slightly shorter, not to
mention being entirely naked except for a bulletproof vest. Attempts were
made by the military to arrest him on the grounds of refusal to obey an
officer, but such attempts were obstructed by members of the MIT community,
primarily Alumnus Mortimer Fane and students Henry James and Winston Carleton.
Mr. Watson was seen later under military escort. When asked to comment,
Watson claimed to have no knowledge of the previous day, nor of how he came
to be in his mutated state.
Military Finds Bodies?
Conflicting reports have been received from the military regarding the death
of ACME Representative Neil Zlozower and student Robyn Wright. One private
reported that two bodies had been found in the basement of Building 37.
Another reported that only Mr. Zlozower's body was found. The REAMER is
awaiting an official statement from General Schwartzenkopf.
-----------------------------Opinion--------------------------------------
Dear Daily Reamer:
As the Chaplain, I am writing to voice my opinion that the situation
on campus has grown intolerable. Violence is being perpetrated against
innocent bystanders and the military is doing nothing to restore order.
Just this evening, Prof. Potter and myself, among many others, were
threatened at knife point by Henry James and Winston Carleton. These
two students, along with Mortimer Fane, deliberately prevented us from
learning more about Watson J. Watson's strange transformation. Lt. Vanish,
who shortly appeared on the scene, did nothing to stop the three from
harrassing the onlookers. When other members of the military, including
General Schwartzenkopf, finally arrived to investigate, the complaints
against Fane, James, and Carleton were ignored. Presumably these three
may go about campus and freely harrass or assault anyone they wish. This
is a dangerous message for the military to send. I strongly urge the
General to maintain better civil order in these confusing times, and to
consider restraining these hoodlums for the benefit of the entire community.
I also recommend that all members of the community take caution when in
the vacinity of Fane, James, and Carleton!
The Rev. Anthony George
Campus Chaplain
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