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daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (solman@Athena.MIT.EDU)
Sat Jan 16 10:04:48 1993
From: solman@Athena.MIT.EDU
To: rumor@Athena.MIT.EDU
Date: Sat, 16 Jan 93 10:04:09 EST
THE NYARLATHOTECH --- Saturday, January 16, 1993
MIT's largest and oldest newspaper
Editor: Pat Kelly
Reporters: Doug Steinbalm
Nigel Wainwright
Photographer: Kevin West
Two Decapitated by Strange Creature
by Doug Steinbalm and Pat Kelly
The latest in a series of bizarre developments occurred today. A
strange humanoid creature appeared out of nowhere and took the lives
of two apparently innocent bystanders. The victims were Loni Belford,
and Gordon Whitfeld.
Belford, a physical plant worker was attacked by a strange humanoid
creature that seemingly appeared out of nowhere. At the time, Mr.
West was giving a statement to shed some light on the mysterious
plague that has now claimed the lives of several on campus [see
story, "Plague Continues to Baffle Doctors]. Always his articulate
self, our President said it was a "nasty plague", and the situation
was "Far from ideal." When asked about preventative measures he
said [after having availed himself of the advice of the many gifted
medical personnel in MIT's employ] "avoid the plague."
It was at this point that the large creature appeared and devoured
the Phys. Plant worker's head, and a large pizza. The meeting hall
became a stampede as people fled. One security guard, apparently
unphased by the event, fired five rounds hitting the creature thrice.
This apparently had no effect on the creature. Only one person was
killed, but several people got blood on their clothing and the
pizza was never recovered. Loni Belford's death is notable because
she was the only janitor that had not recently joined the staff of
Misketonic. The only remaining long time employee of the physical
plant is head of operations, Gene Hammer.
In a similar incident, tourist and architect Gordon Whitfeld was
decapitated by what appeared to be the same creature. The architect
had been noticeably unnerved by the first decapitation and took
several minutes to return to the vicinity of 35-225, the public
meeting room. He said he had been trapped here by the dome and that
he only wanted to get back to his wife and children. Only ten
minutes latter, his headless body was lying in a pool of blood.
Already accustomed to seeing eight foot tall monsters suddenly
appear and cut persons' heads off, only a few people ran screaming
out of the room this time. One person (a tourist, named Matthew
Budic, who thinks he is god) apparently attempted to curse the
creature, but nothing happened to it. Approximately twenty-five
minutes after the incident our ever ready campus police force
showed up at the scene of the crime to protect us.
These two deaths leave us with many questions. Why were Budic and
Whitfeld killed? Was it bad luck or did they do something? What is
the creature? Where is it from? Does it like pizza? The Tech will
continue to bring you up to the minute reports on this tragedy.
Campus Police not worried by Dome
By Nigel Wainwright and Pat Kelly
Although many of us have had our lives disrupted by the dome, campus
police seem to be taking it rather nonchalantly. In a recent interview
with Ed Gruberman he told the Nyarlathotech that he accepts the claims
that the government is responsible for the dome. He says that
immediately after the dome appeared he received a call. The caller
identified himself by saying that he was a part of the government.
The "person said don't worry we put it there". Asked how this
person's call was able to reach him from the outside after the
off-campus phone connections stopped working, Lieutenant Gruberman
said "I don't know." When asked why he believed the caller,
Gruberman stated "I'm not sure, but we have no reason to disbelieve
them." Referring to himself and the campus police he then added "we
didn't put it up and we can't put it down." Always eager to assuage
the fears of the MIT community, when asked if he would tell us if
he finds out any more information Officer Gruberman replied, "If I
find out where it is coming from I may or may not tell you."
Not everybody is accepting the Campus Police's story at face value.
Robin Mendoza and Dirk Harshley both speculated that the dome was
not created by the government and were wondering how it could be
proven one way or another. For the present, the dome will continue
to inconvenience all of us. For Gordon Whitfeld, this turned out to
be a terminal inconvenience.
Plague Continues To Baffle Doctors.
By Jason W. Solinsky
A plague continues to sweep over the campus population. Dr. Leona
Cartwright reports that the services in the medical center have, as
of yet, absolutely no information about the plague. On behalf of the
medical faculty here she asks that she be sent any and all information
you have regarding the plague. Please notify her immediately (in
addition to checking with Medical Services) if you develop any
unusual symptoms.
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Wanted: a copy of the Necronomicon. Will pay any price. Contact me by
placing an ad in the tech.
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Your ad could be here. Contact the Nyarlathotech at
solman@athena.mit.edu for more information. Confidentiality
is always insured.
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Wanted: Someone who can answer and investigate difficult
and important questions about the occult. Willing to pay
any reasonable fee. Please send qualifications to the
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applicant will be contacted by the party that placed this ad.
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