[647] in Daily_Rumour
PRAVDA #1 Feb 17 03:50:16 AM
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU)
Sat Feb 17 03:54:51 1990
To: rumour@ATHENA.MIT.EDU
Date: Sat, 17 Feb 90 03:52:30 EST
From: Jon Monsarrat "Dr. Who" <drwho@ATHENA.MIT.EDU>
--------------------------------------------------------------------
PRAVDA
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Submissions to drwho@athena
We take ADs, Personals, and always keep our confidences pretty much
Get a hardcopy of this from the GMs.
Or make your own from /mit/drwho/pravda/Pravda1.PS
--------------------------------------------------------------------
-----------------
| |
| ``The Truth'' |
| |
-----------------
VOLUME 47 NUMBER 1 FEBRUARY 15, 1989
-----------------------
| |
| Editor: |
| Roman Empiyer |
| |
-----------------------
---------------------------------------------------------------------
UFO STREAKS SHORT CIRCUITRY States, Pheasant, was heard to
IN LENINGRAD have said "well I suppose I'm
having a good time, this is my
Entire blocks of the fair city of party and the Americans'" in
Leningrad came under seige as an addition, "spiffy" and "ducky"
Unidentified Flying Object, going also seem to be her favorite
too fast to be made out clearly, phrases. And the newest fashion
streaking over the strees and for ties may be to wear them with
houses, at an estimated 100 feet the ends tucked in the breast
and 700 km/hr. Pravda reporters pocket of one's jacket.
are investigating further claims
that space aliens have actually (editors' note: readers will
landed North of Moscow in the remember that in response to the
hills. US's apparent holding of Gorby-
killer Youngman, when US Vice
LOOKING BACK AT A MAN OF PEACE President Pheasant came for the
-- YEVGENY SOLO funeral, she was held in custody
until Youngman is turned over to
At 8:15 PM Moscow Time February the USSR. US President Barcero on
16, 1990, a plane exploded. It February 14th promises that if
was on its final approach to the Vice President is not home in
Moscow International Airport, a 10 days, there will be war.)
mere one mile from safety in
beloved Mother Russia. But this FATHER TRIS DIED IN
was no ordinary plane, for upon BLOODY SHOOT-OUT
it as well as the staff and crew
was the Pope, a symbol of peace Father Tris died at approximately
and stability in our modern 11:30 this evening, outside the
bustling world. He was a man of infinite corridor around building
peace, and is now no longer among 8. Details are sketchy, but the
us. KGB has said that the spiritual
man was shot in the head and
This reporter went out, and asked torso several times. What this
people how they felt about this will mean to the now-tolerated
tragedy. Here are some responses: religions of the Soviet Union is
anybody's guess, but security
"I didn't know him well." "He forces for the entire area are
shouldn't have died. It is a rumored to be in consideration.
great loss." "Despite his
falling into religion, he was a INTERVIEW: YURI DOLSOI
good man." "Very upsetting." -- ANNA ROSANADANA
"He was, like, a totally awesome
guy. I think. Maybe." "His loss The extraordinary Dolsoi and his
is a tragedy for the world." lovely assistant Fatima will be
"It's quite provoking." performing extravaganza of magic
and wonderment this week at a
The Pope is no longer with us. time to be announced. We have
Please remember, service to the word that included in this
State is the greatest service of evening of entertainment will be
all. If you wish to remember the the miraculous feat of cutting
Pope, dedicate extra efficiency! Ms. Fatima in half an putting her
back together again.
POPE'S PLANE CARRIES
A WORLD OF HOPE PENGUIN ARRIVES ON SCENE
-- ANNA ROSANADANA
Pope John Paul's flight, donated
by the Russian airlines Das A lost looking penguin accom-
Bromestskiiy, was a non-stop panied by a well dressed young
international flight from Rome lady was seen at the ambassador's
International Airport left at ball friday evening. The penguin
12:45 pm. Staffing the plane were was able to nod to the question
Russian pilot Ivantsum Kornchecks was he from antarctica and the
and East German copilot Erich young lady very charmingly
Schneider, who leaves behind a replied, "hmmmmmmm".
wife of five years and three
children. Three guards from BRADY BUNCH COMES TO
Vatican City were also killed in US TELEVISION
the crash, as was one Julia
Pirozak, an Italian stewardess In yet another demonstration of
who only joined the team by the lack of originality that
chance. capitalism inspires, Pravda
reporters have noted that several
The plane was a Das Bromestsiiy of this seasons US television
AB-40R, a twelve-seater personal shows are merely bring backs:
jet known for its comfortable Star Trek, Mission Impossible,
handling. This particular jet was and now the Brady Bunch. Thank
three years two months old, and heavens that Soviet programming
had been serviced and specified has state taste.
in perfect condition for seven-
teen flights since its last minor GAS MAIN EXPLODES IN YAROSLAVL
repair, a good record for a plane
of its long range. Authorities inform us that the
loud explosion heard across the
KGB officials have begun to city on the night of February
rigorously sort out the cause of 10th was centered in the Moscow
the explosion, but experts are suburb of Yaroslavl. It was due
fairly sure that the explosion to a faulty gas main running
was internal, and was not due to beneath the city. There is no
any mechanical failure of the need for alarm, however, for the
plane, leaving only a deliberate problem has been repaired by the
bombing as the only method by State's engineers with great
which the tragedy could have efficiency.
occurred. It is too soon to know
from which part of the plan the BOLOV KORNCHEKS DEAD
bomb exploded. Vatican City
spokesman, however, stand by Bolov Kornchekhs, the esteemed
their expert guardsman, whom it leader of the KGB, died last week
is said made a careful and of natural causes in his home in
thorough inspection of the plane a Moscow suburb. The death of
before takeoff. Comrade Kornchekhs marks the end
of his long, successful career in
IMPERIALIST SPY ESCAPES Soviet politics and government.
FROM PRISON He was a kind man who was both
gentle and firm in his defense of
Nathan Youngman, the man who shot Communism; his death will be
Gorbachev in London on February greatly mourned by the entire
9th, escaped from prison two days population of the Soviet Union.
ago with the help of several Funeral services were held on
unidentified others. He was last February 13; in lieu of flowers,
seen entering the American em- friends of the family are asked
bassy and is believed to be to send donations to the charity
hiding somewhere in Moscow, of their choice. Comrade
probably inside the embassy Kornchekhs is survived by his
itself. Citizens are warned to grandmother, Vavara Chekhs, his
be on their guard against this son Itzum, his daughter Dalia,
known assassin; photographs of and various grandchildren,
Youngman will be hung in public brothers, cousins, nieces,
places so that citizens will be nephews, and other relatives.
more easily able to recognize
him. Your cooperation in this POLITICAL PARTIES LEGALIZED
matter is, as always, ap-
preciated. After an extended debate, the
Communist Party Congress has
THE SOVIET UNION SPEAKS OUT decided to uphold its decision to
legalize political parties in the
Official Politburo spokesman Soviet Union until a new Chairman
Leonid Pushkin held a brief media is appointed. A motion had been
conference in which he spoke on made to revoke the law, which had
recent events. Regarding been passed with the approval and
Youngman, Pushkin expressed dis- encouragement of the late Chair-
pleasure with the United States man Gorbachev, but the motion
for refusing to cooperate in failed after an extended debate.
handing Youngman over, but is The vote was extremely close, and
optomistic that something can be it appears that the ultimate fate
worked out. "There has been a of the law depends on the view
crime against the people of the held by the new Chairman. Without
Soviet Union. The criminal will his approval, the law is certain
stand a fair trial in the Soviet to be revoked within the month.
Union." Pushkin stressed that the
assassination was a Soviet event 'STAR WARS' SATELLITES LAUNCHED
that did not involve inter-
national affairs. Associated Press, Cape Canaveral,
Florida:
Leonid Pushkin spoke for the
Politburo and all the Soviet Two satellites rocketed into
people in commiserating the death space yesterday to test a "star
of Pope John Paul the Second. wars" plan to destroy hostile
"The Soviet Union deeply regrets missiles by bouncing laser beams
the loss of the Pope, and we are off orbiting mirrors. One satel-
investigating thunderously to get lite carried a mirror designed to
to the bottom of the matter. His reflect lasers fired from a
loss will be felt across the Hawaiian mountaintop back to a
world as a stable figure in a ground target to test the
world sea of arms detente." accuracy of the system. The other
held sensors for measuring how
Finally, Pushkin spoke of the successfully scientists can cor-
German Unification treaty. rect distortions caused by dust,
Notably, there have been several moisture, and hases as the beam
bugs introduced into the treaty shoots through the atmosphere.
that East Germans especially have
taken a dislike to. Although the YOUR FRIENDS, THE KGB
general scope of the unification
treaty seems to be sound, the General Ivan Reischechs, acting
Politburo thinks that perhaps the head of the KGB, issued a brief
2000 page document was composed statement last night on the state
too hastily, and that more time of security in the Soviet Union.
is needed to reflect. "We will His statement was as follows:
wait and do it right." By this it
is interpreted that the Politburo "Comrades, it is a dark time in
will wait until affairs settle the Soviet Union. Our esteemed
enough to elect a new Chairman leader is dead, and we must mourn
before deciding. his passing, for he was a good
man. He died at the hands of an
VICE PRESIDENT HELD HOSTAGE Imperialist Stooge named Nathan
BUT STILL IN GOOD FASHION Youngman, and I urge you all,
-- ANNA ROSANADANA citizens and foreigners alike, to
help bring this man to justice.
Fashion for the evening was If you see him, please report him
impeccable as might be expected, to the nearest KGB offical.
Ms Nikatoyem was possessed of a
pair of elegantly gloved hands. "We also ask you all to watch out
The Vice President of the United for subversives acting in the
city. If you see any suspicious with the comment that he is
activity, you should report it concerned that communist states
immediately to members of the MVD such as the USSR and his own
or KGB. This is a dangerous time China may be experiencing ill
comrades. Lock your doors. Watch effects close association with
for spies. Remember, the key to the Western culture. the phrase
security is in your hands." he used was, "decadent Americans"
whom he felt were too concerned
ESTONIA'S COMMUNIST PARTY MAY with personal goals rather than
FOLLOW SUIT the good of the state. "Joy is
not found my persuit of self
After the Soviet Union's anounce- desire," and "by serving one's
ment of an allowed multi-party state, one serves oneself" were
system, the future of Estonia, common among the sentiments
one of the USSR's Baltic states, voiced by the man. About the man
seemed in doubt. Estonia, as himself, show has revealed that
Pravda often reports, is proof he rises at 5 am every morning to
that communism can weather even eat a bowl of rice, read mao, and
the wildest storms unleashed by meditate.
the increasing democratization of
society. However, the proud MANDELA HOLDS PRESS INTERVIEW
people of Estonia may be follow-
ing the central Politburo's lead. In Soweto, South Africa, recently
The republic's prime minister freed Nelson Mandela told news
today along with many party reporters that the African Na-
leaders announced the formation tional Congress is willing to
of a new movement, Free Estonia, compromise and consider constitu-
described by one of its leaders tional guarantees for the white
as "liberal democratic in orien- minority but will not budge on
tation." Officially the group the issue of full black voting
calls itself a "democratic as- rights. Mandela said he hoped a
sociation", not a party. But its settlement to the country's long
members do not try to hide that racial conflict could be reached
it could soon turn into one. before President F.W. de Klerk's
Elections in the republic have ruling National Party faces
been scheduled for next month. elections in 1994.
A LOOK BACK: WHITE MARKET AIMS
ONE YEAR SINCE AFGHANISTAN
********AD AD AD AD AD AD AD
On February 15, 1989, the last ********
Soviet soldier left Afghanistan,
in compliance with an accord We undercut the Black Market!
negotiated from the United Na- We're the good guys! Use the
tions. To this date, rebel forces White Market today. Send mail to
with old Soviet supplies still Pravda, rumor box 1401. Ask for
fight against the capitalist our extensive catalog covering
rebels. everything from consumer good
such as teddy bears, to high tech
Over the past year the furor has military weapons systems.
died down over the February 15th ********AD AD AD AD AD AD AD
1989 announcement by Iran's ********
Ayatollah Ruhollah Khomeini that
Salman Rushdie's "The Satanic RUMOR HAS IT
Verses" is blasphemous and that
the author should be sentenced to ********PERSONALS PERSONALS PER-
death. On March 6th the Vatican SONALS ******
also pronounces the book blas-
phemous, but does not sentence For a discussion on the successes
the author to death as a and failures of our Minister of
punishment. Finance, contact Robbie at Sar-
geant Street. Ask for the
WG APPROVES $3.6 BILLION TO EG penguin.
West Germany approved $3.6 Bil- ********PERSONALS PERSONALS PER-
lion (US dollars/ Rubles) in aid SONALS ******
to East Germany yesterday to keep
its economy afloat and prevent Zebra Tango Charlie Foxtrot Delta
its citizens from fleeing in Niner Zero
frustration before the two na-
tions become one. An additional ********PERSONALS PERSONALS PER-
$1 billion was approved to SONALS ******
resettle East Germans who come to
the West. Although the money is GM ANNOUNCEMENTS
earmarked for specific East
German programs, none of it will Selina Molotov's name is
go directly to the government of misprinted as Serina Molotov.
the Communist prime minister,
Hans Modrow, who appears likely Selina Molotov is currently
to be ousted when the country uncast, as the player has return
holds free elections on March 18. the packet.
Both Modrow and West German
Chancellor Helmut Kohl have Felix E. Sun and Lieutennant
hailed the landmark agreement Theodore Stravinsky are incor-
between the Soviet Union, the rectly listed as KGB agents. They
United States, France and Britain are acutally with the Papal
that sets up a procedure for Entourage and the MVD respec-
formal talks on reunification. tively.
INTERVIEW: SUAN LA CHOW SHOW Felix E. Sun is now being played
-- ANNA ROSANADANA by Jan Maessen. You can reach him
jmaessen@athena or 253-8973 (Ep-
Suan la Chow Show, the Chinese silon Theta) call anytime. He may
ambassador made a number of be reachable at ESG during the
statements concerning communism day.
and the state. He prefaced these
