[484] in Humor
HUMOR: If cars were computers...
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Andrew A. Bennett)
Fri Oct 7 16:29:07 1994
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Fri, 07 Oct 1994 16:23:13 EDT
From: "Andrew A. Bennett" <abennett@MIT.EDU>
We've (probably_ all heard the quote "If cars were like computers, we'd all be
running around in $0.25 Ferarris by now," but have you ever thought of the
dark side?
-Drew
Date: Fri, 7 Oct 94 12:27:33 PDT
From: Connie_Kleinjans@Novell.COM (Connie Kleinjans)
Subject: HUMOR: GM Help Line
From multiple sources, so it's gotta be good!
----- Begin Included Message -----
General Motors doesn't have a help line for people who don't know how
to drive. Imagine if they did ...
---
HelpLine: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
Customer: "I got in my car and closed the door and nothing happened!"
HelpLine: "Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?"
Customer: "What's an ignition?"
HelpLine: "It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery
and turns over the engine."
Customer: "Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to
know all these technical terms just to use my car?"
---
HelpLine: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
Customer: "My car ran fine for a week and now it won't go anywhere!"
HelpLine: "Is the gas tank empty?"
Customer: "Huh? How do I know?"
HelpLine: "There's a little gauge on the front panel with a needle and
markings from 'E' to 'F'. Where is the needle pointing?"
Customer: "It's pointing to 'E'. What does that mean?"
HelpLine: "It means you have to visit a gasoline vendor and purchase
some more gasoline. You can install it yourself or pay the
vendor to install it for you."
Customer: "What? I paid $12,000 for this car! Now you tell me that I
have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes
with everything built in!"
---
HelpLine: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
Customer: "Your cars suck!"
HelpLine: "What's wrong?"
Customer: "It crashed, that's what wrong!"
HelpLine: "What were you doing?"
Customer: "I wanted to run faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all the
way to the floor. It worked for a while and then it crashed and
it won't start now!
HelpLine: "It's your responsibility if you misuse the product. What do you
expect us to do about it?"
Customer: "I want you to send me one of the latest version that doesn't
crash any more!"
---
HelpLine: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
Customer: "Hi, I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because it
has automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering,
power brakes, and power door locks."
HelpLine: "Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?"
Customer: "How do I work it?"
HelpLine: "Do you know how to drive?"
Customer: "Do I know how to what?"
HelpLine: "Do you know how to drive?"
Customer: "I'm not a technical person. I just want to go places in my car!"
---
Michael Chastain
mec@shell.portal.com
