[469] in Humor
HUMOR: Boston Driving II
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Andrew A. Bennett)
Thu Sep 29 16:14:46 1994
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Thu, 29 Sep 1994 16:08:30 EDT
From: "Andrew A. Bennett" <abennett@MIT.EDU>
Date: Wed, 28 Sep 94 12:39:19 PDT
From: Connie_Kleinjans@Novell.COM (Connie Kleinjans)
Basic rules for driving in Boston
Boston is often acclaimed as the most exciting city in America in
which to drive. Who would argue? Herewith, for newcomers and visitors,
are a few basic rules of the road for driving in these parts:
- To obtain a general idea of how to drive in Boston, go to a
Celtics game and carefully watch the fast break. Then get behind the
wheel of your car and practice it.
- Never take a green light at face value. Always look right and
left before proceeding.
- When in doubt, accelerate.
- Very generally speaking, the intransigence of the Boston driver is directly
proportional to the expense of his American-made car, and inversely
proportional to the expense of his foreign-made car. But in applying
this formula, bear in mind that they are all more or less intransigent.
- In the long run, parking your car in a lot is always cheaper than parking it
at a meter.
- Drivers whose cars sport "I Brake For Animals" bumper stickers may brake for
animals, but they may not brake for you. Watch it.
- Never drive behind a person whose head doesn't reach the top of the steering
wheel.
- Teenage drivers believe they are immortal. Don't yield to the temptation to
teach them otherwise.
- Taxicabs should always have the right of way, unless you are bent on suicide.
- Never, ever, stop for a pedestrian unless he flings himself under the wheels
of your car.
- The first parking space you see will be the last parking space you see.
Grab it.
- Learn to swerve abruptly. Boston is the home of slalom driving, thanks to the
Registry of Motor Vehicles, which puts potholes in key locations to test
drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes.
- Steer clear of people with antinuclear bumper stickers pasted on their cars.
They are interested in preserving mankind, which is admirable. But they
are not necessarily interested in preserving you, or themselves, for
that matter. They have more important things to think about.
- Never get in the way of a car that needs extensive body work.
- Double-park in the North End of Boston, unless triple-parking is available.
- Always look both ways when running a red light.
- While it is possible to fit a 15-foot car into a 15-foot parking space,
it is seldom possible to fit a 16-foot car into a 15-foot parking space.
Sad but true.
- There is no such thing as a short cut during rush-hour traffic in Boston.
- It is traditional in Boston to honk your horn at cars that don't move the
instant the light changes.
- Never put your faith in signs that purport to provide directions. They are put
there to confuse people who don't know their way around the city.
- Use extreme caution when pulling into breakdown lanes. Breakdown lanes are
not for breaking down, but for speeding, especially during rush hour.
- Never use directional signals, since they only confound and distract other
Boston drivers, who are not used to them.
- Similarly, never attempt to give hand signals, Boston drivers, unused to such
courtesies, will think you are waving them on to pass you.
- The yellow light is not, as commonly supposed outside the Boston area, a
signal to slow down. It is a warning to speed up and get through the
intersection before the light turns red.
- Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right.
- In making a left turn from the right lane, employ the element of surprise.
That is, do it as suddenly as possible, so as to stun other drivers.
- Speed limits are arbitrary figures posted only to make you feel guilty.
- Whenever possible, stop in the middle of a crosswalk to insure inconveniencing
as many pedestrians as possible.
- Remember that the most common cause of collisions in Boston is two cars aiming
for the same pedestrian.
- Remember also that the goal of every Boston driver is to get there first by
whatever means necessary.
- Above all, keep moving.
And good luck. You'll need it.
