[464] in Humor
HUMOR (long): Lotsa Stuff
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Andrew A. Bennett)
Wed Sep 21 19:56:19 1994
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Wed, 21 Sep 1994 11:48:18 EDT
From: "Andrew A. Bennett" <abennett@MIT.EDU>
Date: Tue, 20 Sep 1994 07:01:13 -0700
From: cate3@netcom.com (Henry Cate)
Date: 25 Jan 94 16:43:47 PST (Tuesday)
Subject: Life C.2
The following are selections from WhiteBoard News
To join, send mail to: joeha@microsoft.com (Joseph Harper)
----------------------------------------------------
Washington, District of Columbia:
He may be in jail for fraud, but the federal government
must pay perennial presidential candidate Lyndon
LaRouche federal matching funds for his 1992
presidential campaign.
The Supreme Court, without comment, rejected the
Federal Election Commission's argument that LaRouche
should be denied money because he engaged in fraud and
abuse in seeking matching funds for his earlier
campaigns.
LaRouche has run for president in each election since
1976. He is serving a 15-year federal sentence on his
1988 conviction of mail fraud and conspiracy related to
campaign fund-raising.
LaRouche received federal matching funds for his
campaigns in 1980, 1984 and 1988. To qualify,
candidates must raise $100,000 in small donations from
contributors in at least 20 states and must agree to
abide by FEC regulations.
The commission had rejected his request for matching
funds in relation to his 1992 campaign. The amount to
be awarded has not been released yet.
- --------------------------
Warrenton, Oregon:
Some efficient beavers did such a good job building a
dam inside a culvert pipe that water backed up for
eight city blocks and kept public work crews busy for
24 hours.
About a foot of rain water finally drained out of a
soggy section of this town on the northern coast
Thursday after work crews rammed a spruce log into the
60-foot-long, 3-foot diameter culvert pipe.
"It was solid with packed sticks, mud and leaves," said
Public Works Supervisor Dave Haskell. "It filled up
the whole inside diameter of the pipe and it was a 4-
to 5-foot long plug in there real tight."
- --------------------------
Bothell, Washington:
After hitting a boy on a bicycle with his pickup truck,
a man told police he had instructed the boy to stay
down and not move.
Instead, the youth jumped up, got on his bicycle and
yelled back at another youth, "See, I told you these
brakes were bad."
- --------------------------
Bethesda, Maryland:
Hitting the road may get more interesting thanks to
"Ride with Me"'s audiotapes aimed at travelers on
interstate highways.
The Bethesda company's 24 programs covering 17 states
acquaint drivers with a particular area's history and
oddities, such as the butterfly zoo on I-75 in Georgia.
- --------------------------
Belgrade, Yugoslavia:
The number Wednesday was 286,125,293,792.
It was not the day's winning lottery figures, nor the
number of miles to the Hubble space telescope. It was
the latest calculation of Yugoslavia's nearly
incalculable inflation rate.
To cover the costs of war and pay off the unemployed,
the government has resorted to indiscriminately
printing money. That has rendered the national
currency, the dinar, practically worthless.
At least 50 percent of the work force is idle. For
those still with jobs, real wages have plummeted to the
equivalent of $15 a month, from $500 a month in 1991.
Meanwhile, prices have soared.
Inflation grew at 0.7 percent per hour and amounted to
20,190 percent in November, Mirjana Rankovic, deputy
director of the Federal Statistics Bureau, told
reporters Wednesday. That translates into an annual
inflation rate of 286,125,293,792 percent when
compounding is factored in.
- --------------------------
Moscow, Russia:
Russian customs officials have employed a group of rats
to test for contaminated agricultural products from
neighboring China.
The Tass News Agency reported that the administration
of the Russian Far Eastern Maritime Territory will not
let Chinese potatoes into the country if their chemical
content is so high that the rats won't eat them.
- --------------------------
Bering Glacier, Alaska:
Alaska's immense Bering Glacier is on a rampage,
speeding up in recent months rather than slowing as
expected, scientists said.
The surge, which began in May and measures up to 300
feet per day, affords scientists a rare look at how the
giant ice wall behaves as it pushes forward.
Molina said that the glacier is moving an average of
100 feet per day in places and that on some days it
lurches forward 300 feet.
- --------------------------
Pendleton, Oregon:
Two dogs summoned Umatilla County sheriff's deputies to
a rural Eastern Oregon home Thursday on the county's
911 system.
"It's never happened in all the years I've worked
here," said Corporal Lori Jewell of the sheriff's
department in Pendleton.
Police received an emergency 911 call, but no voice
came on the line, she said. Jewell said the call was
traced to an address in the farming town of Adams,
northeast of Pendleton. A deputy was sent, and
dispatchers kept listening on the line.
"We could hear shuffling and moving around," said
Jewell. "You could hear movement, but we couldn't get
anybody to answer."
A deputy forced his way into an unoccupied home and
found the phone there on the hook, she said. He went
down the street and found another unoccupied home with
exactly the same address and forced his way in there.
This time, he had the right house.
"It was two dogs who had knocked the phone over," said
Jewell. "It had an automatic dialer, and when the
phone dropped, it automatically dialed 911.
- --------------------------
Washington, District of Columbia:
Ho Ho Ho: The Capitol Steps, a satirical singing group,
offers an album of Christmas carols such as: "All We
Got for Christmas Is a Tax Increase," "O Little Rock of
Arkansas," "Rosty, the Chairman" and "Santa Claus's
Budget is Down."
- --------------------------
Tokyo, Japan:
And then there are devices for all tastes, both good
and bad.
Pioneer Electronics Corporation's car-navigation system
uses CD-ROM disks and global positioning satellite
technology to show drivers where they are.
In addition, it plays games and karaoke music.
The mike is mounted on a visor or worn on a headset.
- --------------------------
New York subway mugging victim Jerome Sandusky is suing
to get the $4.3 million a jury awarded his attacker,
Bernard McCummings, who was paralyzed by a police
officer's bullet.
McCummings, who spent more than two years in prison for
the 1984 attack, sued for excessive force against the
police and won.
Sandusky said if he wins his case he'll donate the
money for more subway officers.
- --------------------------
We've all heard the roar of an inferno -- at least on
television. But fire makes subtler sounds as well. A
flickering candle flame, for instance, registers a
sound near the lower threshold of human hearing, while
wood and other building materials emit very high-
frequency sounds just before bursting into flames.
It's the latter noises that fascinate National
Institute of Standards and Technology researcher
William Grosshandler. At his Gaithersburg, Maryland,
lab, Grosshandler has crafted a sensor that listens for
the tell-tale sounds of fires that are about to happen.
As a section of wall heats up before bursting into
flame, it expands, generating a vibration that races
through an entire structure. Grosshandler's sensor
employs a wall-mounted transducer that detects these
inaudible vibrations, and sounds an alarm.
The sensor can detect fires quickly, because sound
travels faster than smoke or heat. Even more
important, though, it can locate fires hidden between
walls. Commercial applications is years away, however.
- --------------------------
Belgrade, Yugoslavia:
Taking the kids to the zoo is getting a bit
complicated.
The monetary unit here, the dinar, is being so battered
by inflation that it now stands at 10 billion dinar to
one U.S. dollar. In addition, the inflation rate makes
this number incorrect even as you read this.
To compensate for such worthless pieces of paper, the
Belgrade Zoo is no longer willing to accept them for
admission fees, but instead is willing to barter.
One adult ticket can now be paid by forking over one of
the following: one kilogram of peanuts, two kilos of
oats, six eggs, half a kilo of bananas, three kilos of
corn or four kilos of apples. (A kilo is about 2.2
pounds.)
For those not willing to part with food, you can gain
admission by offering construction materials: three
bricks, two cinder blocks or five kilos of cement per
adult.
- --------------------------
New York, New York:
The best office Christmas gift this year? (Or the worst?)
Several major department stores now offer the "Yes
Man," a four-inch-high corporate dweeb with an
obnoxious smile who intones such phrases as "Whatever
you say" or "I couldn't have said it better myself."
- --------------------------
Seattle, Washington:
Seattle police domestic unit officer, Roger Amundson
went to a Seattle home Friday to deliver two
"no contact" orders.
The resident refused to accept the citations, leaving
Amundson facing a gigantic Great Dane on the porch. So
Amundson rolled up one citation, held it in front of the
dog, and the dog snatched it, took it up the steps, and
dropped it at the front door. Then the dog came back,
got the second rolled-up order and delivered it, too.
- --------------------------
This item comes from David Adam Edelstein:
Lawton, Oklahoma:
Two young men were arrested after videotaping
themselves while allegedly robbing a store. The thieves
even typed their names on the tape's subtitle feature.
Dennis R. Thompson, 22, was tracked down and arrested
Friday in the $1,800 September burglary at Top Cat
Video Productions, Detective C.H. Brazzell said.
A 15-year-old boy was arrested within days of the theft
after a tip led police to some of the stolen goods and
the videotape, which showed their faces and first
names, Brazzell said.
Beside burglary charges, Thompson was wanted for
alleged military desertion. Authorities say he left his
Indiana National Guard unit in July while training at
Fort Sill near Lawton.
- --------------------------
This item comes from Rolf Nelson:
Lillehammer, Norway:
Lillehammer's Olympic Organizing Committee faced a
problem: how to get dour Scandinavians to look happy
and welcoming at next February's Winter Games.
Their solution: the Smile Boeyle -- in English,
"smiling hoop" -- a rubber band with plastic hooks that
wraps behind the head and attaches to the corners of
the mouth, forcing a grin. The LOOC will distribute
100,000 of them as part of its $120,000 "Smile --
You're a Tourist Attraction" campaign.
Though the device is meant as a jest, when word of it
leaked the LOOC was bombarded with complaints. Says
the group's Torill Seeberg: "They were taking it too
seriously."
- --------------------------
Medford, Wisconsin:
The old piano Jake Thielke bought for $70 at an estate
sale turned out to have $140,000 stashed inside.
Thielke and his wife, Diane, wanted to know if the
piano was worth repairing, so they asked piano
technician Dan Shereda to check it.
Then they watched as Shereda began pulling out neatly
wrapped, moldy bundles of $5, $10 and $20 bills from
the back of the turn-of-the-century instrument.
Thielke consulted a lawyer, who said the cash still
belonged to the estate of Harley Stimm, a Medford
barber who also stashed money in a mattress and books
before his death in October.
- --------------------------
Washington, District of Columbia:
And you think the IRS is rough now? It is expected to
get about 115 million returns this year and to audit
about 1 percent of them.
When 357,598 taxpayers filed the first modern
income-tax returns in 1914, they had to sign them under
oath before officials. And the Bureau of Internal
Revenue audited every one.
- --------------------------
Carefree, Arizona:
Are you one of those worrywarts, tossing and turning in
your bed at night, unable to sleep? Wouldn't you love
to cast your worries into the wind?
Well, pilot Gregg Warren of Carefree, Arizona, can do
just that with his company, Worry Free.
Here's how it works: First you write your worries on a
piece of paper. Then you burn the sheet of paper. Put
the ashes and $5 into an envelope and send them to
Warren. He will remove and brush off the $5, then take
your ashes up in his plane and scatter them over the
town of Carefree.
- --------------------------
"Here, we don't count years to retirement. We count
winters. I've got six to go."
- -- Dan Shay, a New York Telephone Company repairman,
who endured 12-degree temperatures in Syracuse fixing a
broken underground cable.
- --------------------------
A Nashville, Tennessee, lawyer who tracks and analyzes
legal cases to write analyses for several law journals
has determined that dogs have more rights than cats
under Tennessee law.
- --------------------------
Two escapees who robbed a pharmacy and planned to break
back into their New Zealand jail before guards noticed
were recaptured on their way back to their cells.
Officials said the pair had expected to be back inside
before they were missed at the next cell check.
- --------------------------
New York, New York:
Conrad Teitell, a tax lawyer, sends friends his best
wishes for a happy New Year -- "including, but not
limited to, all calendar, fiscal and taxable years."
- --------------------------
Tel Aviv, Israel:
In Israel, choosing epithets carelessly when insulting
city employees can be costly.
A Tel Aviv court imposed an $83 fine for calling an
agency chief a liar but a $500 penalty for calling a
traffic ticket agent a maniac.
- --------------------------
Cleveland, Ohio:
Convicts who jump bail before sentencing or who violate
parole or probation can legally collect welfare
benefits while lying low. Under current welfare law,
the government can't do a thing about it.
Federal welfare statutes do not exclude fugitives from
public assistance. And privacy laws limit the exchange
of information between police, who have hundreds of
thousands of fugitive warrants on file, and welfare
agencies, which have no way to know which of their
clients are fugitives.
"If you meet the eligibility requirements, then you're
eligible for assistance," said Joe Silver, a lawyer
with the Ohio Department of Human Services. "If your
benefits are terminated or your application is denied,
it has to be because you didn't meet the criteria."
- --------------------------
Toronto, Canada:
In U.S. Television ads, the Energizer bunny is
threatened by the fictional likes of King Kong and
Ernst Blofeld, the evil genius of James Bond spy novel
fame.
Canadian commercials menace the mechanical hare with
something that's really dangerous: the country's awful
winter.
The U.S. "kill the bunny ads didn't go over well" in
Canada, says Brent Pulford, a Canadian ad executive at
Backer Speilvogel Bates. So Energizer's Canadian
marketing team slogged up to Churchill, Manitoba, known
as the Polar Bear Capital of the World, to shoot an ad
that would have more appeal.
The Canadian spot, which began airing in Canada last
month, features the drum-thumping cottontail vying with
a dog-sled team in a race across the frozen tundra. No
prizes for guessing the winner.
Production team members say the weather was brutal
during the shoot. The temperature hovered near 30
degrees below zero, with the wind chill making it feel
like minus 90. Cameras had to be wrapped in electric
blankets to keep them from seizing up.
The Energizer bunny got star treatment. The creature
cost a cool $70,000 each, so Energizer was loath to see
one frostbitten. "The bunny had his own truck where
all his gear is. In between takes he was rushed back
to the truck to keep warm," said Pulford, who wrote the
spot.
Two handlers looked after the hare while the commercial
was being filmed. They put him together for shoots
(the bunny's head comes off when he's not on a job),
brushed his fur, and kept his batteries charged. (No,
the bunny doesn't run on Energizer flashlight
batteries, as the ads imply. But the company says it
does make the battery pack that powers the creature's
motor.)
True to Energizer hype, the bunny kept going. Little
wonder. With all his internal mechanisms, the bunny
weighs in at 40 pounds and stands nearly 2 1/2 feet
tall. He runs by remote control on a track, like a
tank. When the winds peaked on the third and final day
of the shoot, "everything else was blowing down" except
the rabbit Pulford says.
P.S., The bunny didn't just cross the finish line first
in the Canadian commercial. He arrived towing the sled
with the pooped canines stretched out on top.
