[443] in Humor
HUMOR: News Flash!
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Andrew A. Bennett)
Wed Sep 7 11:32:31 1994
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Wed, 07 Sep 1994 11:27:38 EDT
From: "Andrew A. Bennett" <abennett@MIT.EDU>
Date: Tue, 06 Sep 1994 16:02:14 -0600 (MDT)
From: Espacionaute Spiff domine! <MATOSSIAN%ARIES@VAXF.Colorado.EDU>
Here is some humour that came through my computer...-Grant Anderson ISU '91
__________
Washington (UPI) - In a stunning announcement. the US Air Force declared
that it will merge with the recently created Lockheed-Martin conglomerate.
Air Force Chief of Staff Merril McPeak made the announcement at a White
House ceremony today.
"I'm very pleased with the new merger and am excited about working with the
contracting world even more closely," McPeak said of the $600 trillion
deal.
The merger would be the second largest in the country - bested only by the
recent marriage of Lisa Marie Presley and Michael Jackson. The plans for
the new company. to be called Air Lockietta, are somewhat sketchy but
sources say that the former contractors will move into military housing at
already closed military bases around the country. Air Lockietta believes
that forcing their employees into government housing will save the company
billions of dollars a year.
The merger wasn't a happy occasion for all, though. Many of the former
contractors were incensed to learn that they'd be forced to give up their
frequent flier miles to the Company and many of the former Air Force
personnel were upset that they would now have to decide what to wear every
morning.
"It's just not fair," said Capt. Jim Lindsay of Onizuka Air Station. "I've
invested thousands of dollars in polyester pants and patent-leather shoes
and they just pulled the rug out from underneath me. Where am I going to
get the money to pay for new clothing and how will I know if it matches?
They ought to make the contractors wear uniforms instead."
Shareholders of the old Martin-Lockheed company are also unhappy since the
value of their stock plummetted with the announcement. Analysts say that
the drop occurred because of the debt the Lockheed-Martin group took on due
to ths merger with the Air Force.
The merger has left the other services scrambling to help themselves by
looking into mergers of their own. The Navy is interested in a deal with
Carnival Cruise lines but Kathy Lee Gifford has said that she and Richard
Simmons oppose a govemment takeover. The Army is saying it is keeping its
options open but that it expects to close a deal with the Marines sometime
in the near future. The Marines, upset at not being included in the Navy
negotiations with Camival, say that they want to be affiliated with another
organization.
Many say that the Air Lockietta merger will take a while to "fit" the new
people, though. "We know how to spend money but we don't know a damn thing
about making it," said an unidentified Lt. Col. in charge of OD-4/DH, a
former Air Force Organization. Many analysts agree with the Lt. Col. and
have said that the company will have trouble initially.
