[440] in Humor
HUMOR? SPAM
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Andrew A. Bennett)
Tue Sep 6 11:05:47 1994
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Tue, 06 Sep 1994 11:00:10 EDT
From: "Andrew A. Bennett" <abennett@MIT.EDU>
(sorry if I already sent this, I'm cleaning out my inbox)
-Drew
------- Forwarded Message
Date: 2 Sep 1994 10:40:15 +0500
From: "Sharalee Field" <sharalee@planning.mit.edu>
From: "Emily Cikovsky" <ECIKOVSK@us.oracle.com>
--------------------------------------
More Than You Wanted to Know About SPAM
Five Billion Cans and Counting
By
Judith Stone
SPAM: Spiced ham. Arguably the planet's most recognizable
portmanteau word (closely followed by "Gidget" and "infomercial"), and
certainly among its most popular foodstuffs. More than five billion cans have
been produced-and, more tellingly, consumed-since the Hormel Foods
Corporation introduced the product in 1937. This year, more than 60 million
Americans will eat Spam, mostly because they like it.
As recent D-Day commemorations showed, Spam sticks in the public
consciousness perhaps most enduringly as war fare, but those who believe the
luncheon meat to be long past the best years of its life are mistaken. In
fact, several recent developments hint at a large and passionate Spam
subculture. While there is no national fan club (or support group) per se,
Spam lovers regularly exchange, often electronically, news about, recipes
for and panegyrics to the cameo-pink luncheon meat. To the astonishment of
Hormel, its mail order business is Spam giftware, introduced just before
Christmas, has exceeded all expectations, and may soon expand to department
stores. Spam sales have risen consistently over the past three years, and
while Hormel officials won't reveal Spam's exact contribution to annual
profits, they will admit that the company's total annual sales exceed
$2.8 billion.
Spam is huge. Ask the Smithsonian. Ask Margaret Thatcher. Ask
David Letterman. Spam is on line. Need we say more?
If so, here are your Spam questions answered.
Q:What is a common misconception about Spam?
A: That it contains meat by-products ranging from the unsavory to the
unspeakable. (Those lips, those eyes.) A base canard. Spam is pork shoulder,
ham, salt, sugar and sodium nitrite.
Q: Did the person who named Spam earn millions?
A: No. Genneth Daigneau, an actor and the brother of a Hormel executive,
received only $100 as winner of a meat-naming contest held in 1936. According
to corporate lore, Jay C. Hormel, son of the company's founder, wanted to find
a good use for several thousand pounds of surplus pork shoulder. He cooked up
a canned blend known as spiced ham-lower case, no little r in a circle. When
competing meatpackers began marketing similar products, creating a catchy
brand name became imperative. Hence the contest. Had Daigneau chosen to
emphasize the pork shoulder rather than the ham aspect of the product, we
might all be eating Sporsh.
Q: Why was Spam drafted for World War II?
A: Because it was nutritious, filling and shelf-stable, says Hormel. Perhaps
the top brass thought a strategically carried can had more bullet-stopping
potential than a similarly placed Bible. The British Government wanted to
honor the tinned soldier by holding a Spam-fritter cooking contest during
recent D-Day celebrations. Veterans' groups criticized the event as "trivial."
But was that really fair to the food that fueled the Normandy invasion?
Q: What does Nikita Khrushchev have to say about Spam?
A: In "Khrushchev Remembers," Khrushchev remembers: "We had lost our most
fertile, food-bearing lands. Without Spam, we wouldn't have been able to feed
our army."
Q: What about Margaret Thatcher?
A: She recalls it as a "wartime delicacy," shared on Boxing Day 1943 with
friends and family. "I can quite vividly remember we opened a tin of Spam
luncheon meat. We had some lettuce and tomatoes and peaches, so it was Spam
and salad."
Q: Where do folks buy the most Spam?
A: Hawaii, Alaska, Arkansas, Texas and Alabama. Hawaiians lead the nation in
Spam consumption, putting away 4.3 million cans a year. Among the 50 foreign
countries where Spam is sold, the United Kingdom and South Korea are the
largest markets.
Q: Why is Spam so popular in Hawaii?
A: The military brought Spam to the islands, its novelty imparted cachet and
World War II food rationing firmly entrenched the Spam habit, says Suzan
Harada, who eads a program in Hawaiian culture at Kapiolani Community
College in Honolulu. "This was a period when having Western things was
really important. Even if you had access to fresh pork and chicken, being able
to afford canned food showed status." Now it's tradition.
Q: What about Alaska?
A: "Spam is cheap, convenient and delicious, and it doesn't freeze," says
Mr. Whitekeys, pianist for Mr. Whitekeys and the Fabulous Spamtones and
owner of Mr. Whitekeys's Fly by Night Club in Spenard, Alaska, where the
menu predominantly features Spam. "It gets pretty stiff, but it doesn't
freeze."
(A spokeswoman at Hormel insists that she herself has frozen a
slab of Spam.)
Q: If you wire a can of Spam to the exhaust manifold of your snowmobile
when the temperature is 55 degrees below zero, how many miles must you
travel before the meat is perfectly browned?
A:Thirty-five miles, according to the team of snowmobilers that breaks trail
for the annual Iditarod Dogsled Race.
Q: When Vernon Tejas made his solo winter ascent of Mount McKinley in 1988,
did he take a picture of himself with a Spam can at the summit?
A: Of course.
Q: How does the selection of Spam-based dishes at a typical restaurant in
Hawaii or Alaska compare with the selection at the Green Midget cafe made
famous by Monty Python?
A: The Ala Moana Poi Bowl in Honolulu serves Spam musubi (a sort of oversize
sushi) and Spam, eggs and rice. Mr. Whitekeys's Fly by Night Club in Spenard,
Alaska, just outside Anchorage, offers Cajun Spam, Spam nachos and specials
like pasta with Spam and sun-dried tomatoes in cream sauce. The Green Midget
cafe's bill of fare included egg and Spam; egg, bacon and Spam; egg, bacon,
sausage and Spam; Spam, bacon, sausage and Spam; Spam, egg, Spam, Spam,
bacon and Spam; Spam,Spam, Spam, egg and Spam; Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam,
Spam, baked beans, Spam, Spam, Spam and Spam; or lobster thermidor aux
crevettes with a mornay sauce garnished with truffle pate, brandy and a
fried egg on top and Spam.
Q: Did an overzealous Hormel lawyer ever go after the British comedy troupe?
A: No, but an overzealous Hormel lawyer did once send a cease-and-desist
order to the Fabulous Spamtones. Whitekeys subsequently learned that the
lawyer wasn't with the company long. Hormel executives remain haunted,
however, by fears of generification. They think the two scariest words in
the English language are Xerox and Kleenex.
Q: How can you get a free plate of Spam at the Fly by Night Club?
A: Purchase a bottle of Dom Perignon and your Spam is on the house.
Q: Are there many Spam-related festivals and gatherings throughout the
nation?
A: You bet. Sixty-eight state and regional fairs hold Hormel-sanctioned
Spam recipe contests. Spam Jamboree, held yesterday (and every Fourth of
July weekend) in Austin, Minn., is the only Spam shindig Hormel officially
sponsors.
The company looks benignly, however, on the annual Spamorama in
Austin, Tx., the Spam cook-off on Maui and the Spam carving contests held
annually in Seattle. Spam has also been suggested as the subject for the
fourth annual Smithsonian Conference on Stuff, to be held next spring. (The
1994 Conference dealt with marshmallow.)
Q: Are beloved cult novelists ever judges in the Seattle Spam carving
contest?
A: Yes; this year the panel included Tom Robbins. The winning sculpture was
called "Nude Descending a Staircase." Among previous winners were works
representing Spamhenge and Spammy Wynette. " The idea came to me in a dream,"
says Ruby Montana, a founder of the contest. "Spam is a humerous and carvable
medium and serves a useful purpose in that form."
Q: What interesting use for Spam was suggested by David Letterman?
A: Spam on a rope, for snacking in the shower.
Q: What interesting use for Spam was suggested by Hormel employees and used
as a T-shirt slogan after a bitter yearlong strike that ended in 1986?
A: "Cram Your Spam!" Members of Meatpackers' Local P-9 walked out of the
Hormel's Austin plant when the company cut wages and benefits despite high
profits. Pitting supporters of the local against workers who sided with the
national union, the strike was the subject of the Oscar-winning 1990
documentary "American Dream," directed by Barbara Kopple.
Q: Is it true that in South Korea, Spam is a gift as prized as jewelry or
premium whiskey?
A: Yes.
Q:Where can a person buy gifts with a Spam motif closer to home?
A: From the Hormel Foods Gift Center catalogue, which features Spam-logo
T-shirts, watches, sweat-suits, hats, boxer shorts, fanny packs, mugs, golf
balls, magnets, sunshades, windsocks and more.
Q: Can brides register for Spamware at the Hormel Gift Center?
A: Sorry, no; Hormel just doesn't have the staff. But according to Mary
Harris, who took the order, this spring a Florida woman bought Spam
underwear for all the groomsmen in her wedding party.
Q: What's the best-selling item in the catalogue?
A: The classic T-shirt, with the word Spam in yellow on a field of blue.
Q: Have customers suggested additions to the catalogue?
A: One woman requested lingerie, another perfume. "She didn't want it
to smell like Spam, just to be called Spam," explains Harris.
Q: Any other gift items Hormel should consider?
A: Well, at the Long's Drugstore chain in Honolulu, you can buy a musubi
press that will mold a mound of rice into the shape of a Spam can.
Q: Which is stronger: Spam or supernatural forces?
A: Spam. In Hawaii, it's considered bad luck to carry pork in any form
over the Pali Highway, the mountainous main route from Honolulu to the other
side of Oahu. But this doesn't deter the suppliers of Spam. "I know for a
fact that the drivers don't alter their course because Spam's on the truck;
to do that it would triple their travel time," says hoagy Gamble, president
of L. H. Gamble, one of the state's largest food brokers and Hormel's
representative since 1950. "But there hasn't been any trouble. I think it
has something to do with the integrity of the container; the can keeps all
that wonderful pork sealed up nice and tight and deflects bad luck."
Q: Does anyone have a Spam license plate?
A: Chuck Hudson, a retired graphic designer in Virginia Beach, Va., whose
Isuzu Trooper plate reads MMSPAM.
Q: Has anyone ever Spaminized a car?
A: Yes, Lew Cady, a Denver copywriter, at the Spamposium, a 1983 national
gathering of 33 Spamophiles who delivered scholarly papers and gave
demonstrations, including making explosives from Spam. "It rained," recalled
Hudosn, a participant, "and that sucker really beaded up."
Q: Does Chuck Hudson put his money where his mouth is?
A: Indeed. He bought Hormel stock and "it suddenly took off. My stockbroker
said, 'What do you know that I don't?'" The broker's theory is that after
Eastern Europe shrugged off the yoke of Communism, the best Polish hams were
longer exported. "And as soon as Polish ham stayed home," says Hudson, "stock
in Hormel, which has the second-best ham in the world, went up."
Q: Does Spam make good bait?
A: Ann Kondo Corum, author of "Hawaii's Spam Cookbook," recommends it
highly.
Q: What are some really cool Spam recipes, besides bait?
A: Corum's book covers everything, from Spam Chowder to Spam Fu Young. The
Hormel folks suggest Spam Salad Cones, made with tortillas. Hearts of Spam is
Lew Cady's specialty.
Q: What kind of wine goes best with Spam?
A: A riesling or a gewurztraminer. "Both tend to be fruity and slightly
sweet, qualities that go well with ham," explains John Osborne, the buyer
for Astor Wines and Spirits in Manhattan.
Q: How many times a week does Senator Robert Byrd of West Virginia enjoy
a Spam sandwich with mayo on white bread?
A: Three, by his own accounting.
Q: What's the buzz on the Spamnet?
A: a recent peek at Prodigy's Spam Exchange yielded a recipe for S'pam
S'mores and some household hints. (Confidential to Heloise: Spam purportedly
makes good furniture polish, and can also be used to keep condensation off
the bathroom mirror when showering.) Someone calling himself Spamurai just
got back from Maui and suspects that Hawaiian Spam is a tad darker than the
mainland variety.
Q: How do mental health professionals explain the enduring appeal of Spam?
A: "Spam is a happy thing to organize around," says David Levitsky,
professor of nutrition and psychology at Cornell University. "It doesn't
cause harm, gives a sense of identity and, as with any other shared interest,
binds people together. Like other foods that originated in a culture of
poverty-for example, chicken soup and chopped liver brought from Europe-
Spam helped people survive difficult times."
Q: Is Spam a cruel muse?
A: Jack Collom, a poet from Boulder, Colo., and the winner of two National
Endowments for the Arts, doesn't think so. Here are a couple of his Spam-
inspired acrostic poems.
Suddenly, masked hombres seized
Petunia Pig
And
Made her into a sort of dense Jell-O.
Somehow the texture, out of nowhere,
Produces a species of
Atavistic anomie, a
Melancholy memory of "food."
