[428] in Humor
HUMOR: WEIRDNUZ.339 (News of the Weird, August 5, 1994)
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Andrew A. Bennett)
Mon Aug 29 09:58:27 1994
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Mon, 29 Aug 1994 09:55:03 EDT
From: "Andrew A. Bennett" <abennett@MIT.EDU>
Date: Sun, 28 Aug 1994 16:48:44 -0600 (MDT)
From: Espacionaute Spiff domine! <MATOSSIAN%ARIES@VAXF.Colorado.EDU>
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
WEIRDNUZ.339 (News of the Weird, August 5, 1994)
by Chuck Shepherd
Lead Story
* According to the annual Firearms Discharge Assault Report of the New
York Police Department, disclosed by New York Newsday in June, city
officers fired 155 shots at dogs in 1993 (mostly pit bulls), scoring
hits 72% of the time. However, of the 1,195 shots at human
perpetrators, the success rate was only 19%, and in gunfights in which
the target was less than three feet away, the officers' success rate
was still only 29%. [New York Newsday, 6-23-94, 6-27-94]
Well-Put
* Jose Chavez, 24, on how he ascertained that a skull he had found in
a garbage can in Lennox, Calif., in May, was human: "I bit it on the
neck to make sure it was real. That's how you test things." [Los
Angeles Times, 6-3-94]
* Ten-year-old college graduate Michael Kearney (the youngest ever,
according to the Guinness Book), upon acquiring a job as "special
correspondent" for the ABC-TV afternoon show "Mike & Maty": "This is
my big break." [Albuquerque Journal, 6-19-94]
* Said one of the five Southern California graffiti vandals, who call
themselves "artists" and who were arrested in San Francisco over the
July 4th weekend: "We came here to contribute something to this town,
and we end up in jail." Said a police spokesman, "They drove [over 300
miles] to spray paint the city. That's a long drive just to be a jerk."
[San Francisco Examiner, 7-4-94; San Francisco Chronicle, 7-4-94]
* Drag-racing legend Big Daddy Don Garlits, a Republican candidate for
a Florida Congressional seat, interviewed by the Palm Beach Post and
alleging a government conspiracy to prepare the nation for an inevitable
currency devaluation: "The government fears this is going to happen.
They're smarter than we are. They have access to the big computers."
[Washington Post, 6-13-94]
* Gregory N. White, arrested for robbery of a retail store in Belton,
Mo., in February and who lost most of the money during his getaway:
"I'm just a novice robber." And Antony Van Zyl, confessed burglar of
$10,000 worth of equipment from a Rolling Meadows, Ill., museum and
theater: "I'm not a very good burglar. I'm still trying to come to
terms with my own stupidity." [The Star-Herald (Belton, Mo.), 3-1-94;
Chicago Tribune, 12-29-93]
* Judy Pruitt, 23, mother of six children by six different men, and who
has seen four of them taken away by Childrens Protective Services in
her hometown of Houston, Tex., was asked why she continues to have
children. Said Pruitt, "I have to keep replacing the ones they take."
[Houston Post, 3-30-94]
* A man who robbed a 25-year-old woman at knifepoint in Sandy Springs,
Ga., in May, and took cash and jewelry: "My life sucks; I'll return
this stuff back to you." [Atlanta Journal-Constitution, May94]
* James Kimball, 71, who robbed a bank in Hutchison, Kan., in June 1993
and lived a life of luxury for three months before being captured, said
upon receiving a 12-1/2-year prison sentence in May: "No matter what
they do to me, no matter how long they keep me in jail or even if I die
here, they can't take away those [three months of luxury]." [St. Joseph
News-Press-AP, 5-13-94]
* High Point, N. C., police officer Gordon Snaden, describing a patrol
call in July in which a man who had taken LSD had fled up a tree, naked:
"He was able to actualize himself up the tree but was not able to
actualize himself down the tree." [Wilmington Morning Star, 7-2-94]
Names in the News
* Arrested on child molestation charges in January in San Mateo, Calif.,
was Kenneth Barbee Daul; sentenced to 4-1/2 to 9 years in prison in
connection with the death of his wife in Towanda, Pa. was Charles God.
[San Francisco Chronicle, 2-9-94; The Evening Times (Sayre, Athens &
South Waverly, Pa.), 3-29-94]
* In the Iowa Democratic primary in June, Anne Pedersen, by a 57 percent
to 43 percent, whipped challenger Marilyn Monroe. In a Tennessee
election for road superintendent of Grundy County, incumbent Norman
(June Bug) Meeks whipped former superintendent Gene (Eyeballs) Rogers.
[Quad City Times, 6-8-94; Tullahoma News, 5-1-94]
* In June, advocates for optional chemical castration as therapy for
sex offenders in Texas squared off against those who are pushing for it
as mandatory punishment. The therapy forces are led by Houston minister
Rev. Jew Don Boney. [San Antonio Express-News-AP, 6-6-94]
* In April, according to the French news agency Agence
France-Presse, McDonald's Corporation threatened to take legal action
against a Melbourne, Australia, takeout food shop that features topless
female employees and which calls itself "McTits." [[South China Morning
Post-AFP, Apr94]]
* Born in April in Little Rock was Ms. Lexus Camry Peterson. Finishing
35th in the Club North Shore Half Marathon near Chicago in April was
Mr. Farm Vehicle, 38. Quoted in the University of Minnesota daily
newspaper in April on the theft of a huge plastic chicken from her
family's Chinese restaurant was daughter Oy Moy. [Stephens Inc. company
bulletin, May 1994; U Magazine, May 1994]
* In June, in a tragic accident in the Connecticut River near Bath, N.
H., Donald Drown, 34, drowned. [[Portland Press-Herald, 6-20-94]]
Least Competent Person
* Lancaster, Pa., police charged William A. Stewart, 27, with robbery
of a convenience store in June. They tracked him down after the store's
video camera showed the perpetrator wearing a basketball jersey with
the name of his local recreation team, "Public Enemy," on the front and
number "6" and "Stewart" on the back. [Lancaster New Era, 6-17-94]
Copyright 1994, Universal Press Syndicate. All rights reserved.
Released for the personal use of readers. No commercial use may be made
of the material or of the name News of the Weird.
