[4162] in Humor
[Humor] tennessee tale...
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Jon Gersh)
Sat Apr 2 12:21:59 2005
Message-ID: <003201c537a8$16445ea0$e0b3fea9@johngersh>
From: "Jon Gersh" <jon@planetbanjo.com>
To: <humor@mit.edu>
Date: Sat, 2 Apr 2005 12:19:09 -0500
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We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top =
this one:
Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate =
my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying. On =
one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the =
truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had =
sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the =
next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the =
bandage on the top of my head.
The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes =
to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially, the new acquisition was no =
problem.
Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my =
wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.
"Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it."
"You know where the button is," I protested through the shower =
pitter-patter and steam. "Reset it yourself!"
"But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks me =
in?"
There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take you a =
second."
So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping that my silent =
outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her =
behavior as extremely cowardly. Sighing loudly, I squatted down and =
stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I =
remember performing.
It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances.
No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal =
teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling =
objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around =
the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the =
precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I =
unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws.
I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly =
rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten =
hanging from my masculine region
Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome.
Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. I know this =
from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink =
and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent. The impact knocked =
me out cold.
When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now there are =
not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the =
kitchen floor buck naked in front of a group of "been-there, done-that" =
paramedics.
Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were =
all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while =
trying to suppress their hysterical laughter.... and not succeeding.
Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back =
in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of =
me about my head injury I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to =
talk about, which it was.
"What's the matter?" They all asked, "Cat got your tongue?"
If they only knew!
Why is it that only the women laugh at this?=20
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<DIV><FONT face=3DArial size=3D2><FONT face=3D"Times New Roman" =
size=3D3>We've all had=20
trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top this=20
one:<BR><BR>Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter =
how=20
legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm=20
lying. On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied =
anyway,=20
because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned =
that I had=20
sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the =
next day.=20
By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on =
the top=20
of my head.<BR><BR>The accident occurred mainly because I had given in =
to my=20
wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially, the new =
acquisition was=20
no problem.<BR><BR>Then one morning, I was taking my shower after =
breakfast when=20
I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.<BR><BR>"Honey! =
The=20
garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it."<BR><BR>"You know =
where=20
the button is," I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. =
"Reset=20
it yourself!"<BR><BR>"But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts =
going=20
and sucks me in?"<BR><BR>There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, =
it'll=20
only take you a second."<BR><BR>So out I came, dripping wet and buck =
naked,=20
hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I =
perceived her behavior as extremely cowardly. Sighing loudly, I squatted =
down=20
and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last =
action I=20
remember performing.<BR><BR>It struck without warning, and without any =
respect=20
to my circumstances.<BR><BR>No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me =
into=20
its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the =
fascinating=20
dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised =
around=20
the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the =
precise=20
moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly =
offered=20
and snagged them with her needle-like claws.<BR><BR>I lost all rational =
thought=20
to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of =
speed,=20
with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine =
region<BR><BR>Wild=20
animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" =
syndrome.<BR><BR>Men, in=20
this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. I know this from =
experience.=20
I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly =
and=20
forcefully impeded my ascent. The impact knocked me out =
cold.<BR><BR>When I=20
awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now there are not many =
things=20
in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor buck =
naked in=20
front of a group of "been-there, done-that" paramedics.<BR><BR>Even =
worse,=20
having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting =
loudly as=20
they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their =
hysterical laughter.... and not succeeding.<BR><BR>Somehow I lived =
through it=20
all. A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where =
colleagues=20
tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury I kept =
silent,=20
claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was.<BR><BR>"What's =
the=20
matter?" They all asked, "Cat got your tongue?"<BR><BR>If they only=20
knew!<BR><BR>Why is it that only the women laugh at this?=20
</FONT><BR></FONT></DIV></BODY></HTML>
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