[4153] in Humor
[Humor] Re: Breaking News!
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Petr Swedock)
Wed Feb 25 13:21:05 2004
To: humor@mit.edu
From: Petr Swedock <petr@blade-runner.mit.edu>
Date: 25 Feb 2004 01:43:55 -0500
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President Bush classifies heterosexuals as 'manufacturing jobs'
In a rare confluence of economics, politics and policy, George W.
Bush today removed all objections to a constitutional amendment
banning homosexual marriage by classifying all heterosexual
marriages as manufacturing jobs. This move is expected to help
win passage of the Constitutional amendment as well as deflect
criticism from Democratic front-runner Sen John Kerry hat
President Bush has been poor on job creation.
Citing the birth and raising of children as the primary reason
for marriage, President Bush signed an executive order that
simultaneously classified heterosexuality as 'child production
engineering' and required all homosexuals to go on welfare.
Furthermore, all homosexuals are now to be referred to as "lazy,
good for nuthin welfare queens".
"Under this new economic classification, anybody who supports gay
and lesbian marriage is obviously against jobs" said the President
at a Republican fundraiser held at the National Mint, "what kind
of Americans are they?"
Within moments of signing the order the Congressional Budget Office
roduced new statistics that revealed that only 0.0001 percent
of all manufacturing jobs had ever left the country, and that the
period of greatest 'outsourcing' actually occured during the time
Bill Clinton was in England. Other statistics reveal that under
the Presidents definition of manufacturing jobs, San Francisco
California and Fire Island, NY now share a near 80% unemployment
rate, whereas in the rest of the country unemployment is now at
a historically low .3 percent (although this does not take into
account divorcees who've stopped looking for new spouses)
Capitalizing on the Presidents Executive Order members of Congress
rushed to introduce new legislation that would codify and extend
benefits to an entire new class of 'working people'. In the House
of Representatives, GOP congressman Henry Hyde introduced a bill
to classify extra-marital affairs as 'overtime'. Rep Hydes' bill
also has a provision to recognize former Speaker of the House Newt
Gingrich, who has been married three times as well as the subject
of numerous rumours of extra-marital affairs, as "the hardest working
man in politics."
In addition, several members of the House are reportedly considering
retroactively amending the articles of Impeachment against Bill
Clinton to include unfair labor practices and equal employment
statute violations in his relationships with Monica Lewinsky and
Paula Jones.
In the Senate Elizabeth Dole introduced an amendment to the recent
Medicare bill that has a business expense deduction for Viagra.
Perhaps fearing legislative overkill, GOP leadership in both houses
is attempting to wrap all pending anti-gay legislation into one
"omnibus" bill. Senator Rick Santorum of Pennsylvania has introduced
Rep Hydes' bill in the Senate, along with Sen Doles bill, as the "No
Queers Look at my Behind" act. In the House Rep Tom DeLay has
introdoce nearly the same legislation as "DOMA II" in reference to
the 1996 "Defense Of My Ass" bill. There are some differences
yet to be worked out however; the House version of the bill requires
Barney Frank to turn himself into the department of Homeland Security
within 30 days and further requires that he be replaced in the House
by Rev Fred Phelps. The Senate version has provisions to recognize
Massachusetts as a province of France and send the Supreme Judicial
court to Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.
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