[35] in Humor
HUMOR: Short Items
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (abennett@MIT.EDU)
Thu Jan 27 20:21:34 1994
From: abennett@MIT.EDU
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Thu, 27 Jan 94 20:19:33 EST
From: ckleinja@Novell.COM (Connie Kleinjans)
Subject: HUMOR: Short items
Heard on the radio:
At Stoneridge Mall last night Police were called because sounds of movement were
heard coming from a car trunk in the parking lot.
When the Police arrived they also heard the noises, but there was no definite
response to their calls "If you can hear us, knock."
A bystander who spoke Spanish gave it a try, there was an immediate "Knock,
Knock."
The Police then popped the lock, only to find one of those new motorised bouncy
balls.
They left a note explaining the situation, but no one has called in to complain
yet.
- -----------------------------
If it's moving, it's studied in Physics.
If it's smelly, it's studied in Chemistry.
If it's green, it's studied in Biology.
If it's none of the above, it's studied in Geology.
- --
Or, based on something from one of Terry Pratchett's books:
Animals divide the world up into (a) things to run away from, (b) things
to eat, (c) things to mate with, and (d) rocks.
Humans do the same thing, with (a) Physics, (b) Chemistry, (c) Biology,
and (d) Geology.
- --
A Mathematician, a Biologist and a Physicist are sitting in a street
cafe watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other
side of the street.
First they see two people going into the house. Time passes.
After a while they notice three persons coming out of the house.
The Physicist: "The measurement wasn't accurate.".
The Biologists conclusion: "They have reproduced".
The Mathematician: "If now exactly 1 person enters the house, then
it will be empty again."
- --
Q: What is the difference between an expert and a novice?
A: The novice sometimes hesitates before doing something
completely stupid.
-------------------------------
>From: gnat@u.washington.edu (L Boyd)
>Newsgroups: seattle.general
>In order to make this post, I have to admit that I _did_ watch
>Hard Copy last night...ok, so now you know...
>
>Naturally, they spent the entire show on the earthquake in LA.
>
>About mid-way through those "eye-witness" reports, they cut to
>a commercial from, of all places: DISNEYLAND!
>
>The opening line was, "Are you ready for the ride of your life????"
- -----------------------------
Scientists study the world as it is,
engineers create the world that never has been.
THEODORE VON KARMAN
A scientist can discover a new star, but he cannot make one.
He would have to ask an engineer to do it for him.
GORDON L. GLEGG
An engineer is an unordinary person who can do for one dollar
what any ordinary person can do for two dollars.
ANONYMOUS
Thousands of engineers can design bridges.....,but the great
engineer is the man who can tell whether the bridge.....
should be built at all.
EUGENE C. GRACE
All we know about the new economic world tells us that nations
which train engineers will privail over those which train lawyers.
No nation has ever sued its way to greatness.
RICHARD LAMM
Adding engineers to a late project makes it later.
BROOKE'S FIRST LAW
Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to
build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying
to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.
RICH COOK
- -----------------------------
From: rossix!1.70.dnet!marcke@openlink.openlink.com
Forward removed
Subj: Letterman top ten
- ---> January 19, 1994 <---
================================
Top Ten Signs It's Too Damn Cold
================================
10. Youngsters trading in handguns for Isotoner Gloves
9. Dan Rather doing news fron Connie's lap
8. Only 300 people left alive on east coast
7. It's actually nice when a guy rubs up against you on the subway
6. Times Square hookers charge $20 just to blow on your hands
5. Last night, for a full twenty seconds, Bea Arthur stopped sweating
4. Portions of Al Sharpton have been closed
3. President Clinton chipped a tooth on a french fry
(Dave had an animation of Clinton's head and a box of french fries
spinning around to the music from the film "2001")
2. Andrew Giuliani restricted to annoying people indoors
1. Trump's using a de-icer on Marla
- -----------------------------
From: DavidMellor@nd1.neurondata.com
Client/Server and Sex 1/26/94
>From the pages of this week's InfoWorld:
How is Client/Server like Teenage Sex?
s It's on everyone's mind
s Everyone thinks everyone else is doing it
s Almost no one is really doing it
s The few who are doing it are
a. doing it poorly
b. sure it will be better next time
c. not practising it safely
s Everyone is bragging about their successes even though few have
actually been successful
