[22] in Humor
HUMOR (long): Misc. Stuff
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (abennett@MIT.EDU)
Tue Jan 25 15:21:03 1994
From: abennett@MIT.EDU
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Tue, 25 Jan 94 15:15:03 EST
Date: Mon, 17 Jan 1994 20:00:45 -0800
From: cate3@netcom.com (Henry Cate)
The following are siftings pulled out of a collection of humor built up by:
Adrian Mariano <adrian@cam.cornell.edu>
----------------------------------------------------
VIOLENCE COMMITTED AGAINST ENGLISH BY NATIVE SPEAKERS:
Ambiguous headlines:
"Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim"
"Red Tape Holds Up Bridge"
"Milk Drinkers Turn to Powder"
Ambiguous signs:
"Absolutely no dying in the machines" (Laudromat in Columbia, Missouri)
--------------------------
Another of my favourites was the student pilot who was flying his
solo cross-country at an altitude of 7500', when ATC asked him to
"Squawk altitude". He set his transponder accordingly, and was only
a little puzzled when ATC asked him to "Confirm squawk". He did so,
and continued his flight. He was a little surprised when he received
immediate clearance into a very busy airport, and more so when he
landed and was directed to taxi to a holding area clear of the ramp.
When he got there, his plane was surrounded by police cars, who
ordered him out and made him lay on the tarmac.
Suffice to say that he learned that day that 7500 is the transponder
code used to signal a hijack in progress!!!
--------------------------
A Learjet was inbound IFR to Phoenix on a very busy day, and was
looking to descend, but the controller could only clear him to 11000,
presumably because there was traffic below. Over the space of several
minutes, the pilot kept asking for lower, and each time the controller
refused to clear him. Eventually, the controller went back to the
pilot, and asked "Can you make Verde intersection (which by then
could have only been a few miles ahead of the plane) at 4000?" The
pilot immediately replied "Only if I open the door and jump!"
--------------------------
Back in the early 80's, American Airlines experimented with video
cameras in the cockpit so the passengers could see the plane taking
off and landing. The camera was situated behind the pilots' seats
looking forward over the throttle quadrant.
One day, a 737 crew decided to have some fun. The co-pilot, who was
due to fly the leg, obtained the arm from a gorilla outfit, and wore
this over his left arm, so that all you could see on the camera was a
huge hairy paw managing the throttles. What really upset the people,
however, was that after they had landed, and were taxiing in to the
ramp, the captain's hand is seen passing across a peeled banana,
which the co-pilot's hand grabs. American's management thought this
was so funny, they gave the pilots 30-day suspensions without pay.
Interestingly, though, one hears rumours about black-market versions
of the video from time to time.
--------------------------
Answering machine messages:
All our answering machines are busy. Please hold. (Pause.)
All our answering machines are... (CLICK) This is the
answering machine of...
Hello, this is David. I don't live here, so if you were trying
to call me, you've dialed the wrong number. On the other hand,
if you were trying to call John, Jim, or Eric, please leave your
name and number at the tone. I don't guarantee that one of them
will call you back -- only that I won't.
You've reached Mike and Nancy's answering machine. They're not
home right now. At least, I don't think they are. Hang on.
(Voice moves away from recording microphone.) Mike? Nancy?
(Voice comes back.) Nope, they're not here, so at the beep...
Ring...click....(sound of loud music in background)...Hello? - just a second
while I turn the stereo off (sound of person running to click off music, which
gets quiet. sound of person running back to phone) OK, sorry about that, hi
there, who's this...well hi!... uh huh...yeah...well listen you're talking to
a machine, so please leave a message and I'll call you back.
(this ran for a while until a friend threatened to kill us after she said she
had a 2 minute conversation with the machine.)
"I'm writing the definative work on pain, and I would like you to tell me how
the machine makes you feel. Remember, be honest. This is for posterity."
(Rod Serling imitation)
You're dazed, bewildered, trapped in a world without time, where sound
collides with color and shadows explode. You see a signpost up ahead -- this
is no ordinary telephone answering device... You have reached 'The Twilight
Phone'.
--------------------------
"We respectfully petition, request and entreat that due and adequate provision
be made, this day and the date hereinafter subscribed, for the satisfying of
this petitioner's nutritional requirements and for the organizing of such
methods as may be deemed necessary and proper to assure the reception by and
for said petitioner of such quantities of baked cereal products as shall, in
the judgement of the aforesaid petitioners, constitute a sufficient supply
thereof."
Translation: "Give us this day our daily bread"
--------------------------
This morning I found several batteries lying on the bench. When I asked how
they got there, the reply was that they had fallen off the top shelf. Bringing
my full diagnostic skills to the front, I deduced that their shelf life had
reached an end.
--------------------------
Mechanical Engineering Problem:
A cross eyed woodpecker with a cork bill required 1/2 hour to peck 1/4 the way
through a Cypress log 53 year old. Shingles cost 79 cents per hundred and
weigh 8 pounds a piece. The log being pecked upon is 34 feet long and weighs
46 pounds per foot. Assuming the coefficient of friction between the
woodpeckers bill and the Cypress log is 0.097 and that there is negligible
resistance to diffusion, how many units of Vitamin B1 will the woodpecker
require in pecking out enough shingles for a $7,500 barn with detachable
chicken house? The woodpecker has an efficiency of 97% and gets time and a
half overtime.
--------------------------
While giving a lecture on the mechanics of momentum and kinetic energy
transfer, a physics professor noticed a student busily snoozing in the
fourth row of the auditorium. He turned to a girl sitting in the first
row and asked her what the result of a collision between two particles
with masses, velocities, and trajectories that he specified would be.
After a few seconds of thinking and calculating she came up with the
correct answer.
The professor then awoke the sleeping student and said, "You! Same
question!"
The student, a bit stunned and bleary eyed, looked around and replied,
"Same answer."
After the laughter died down the professor turned around and said, "OK,
you got me on that one, I won't call on you again..."
--------------------------
I think a friend who used to work at <research lab> related a story
about a customer support line (for a different company). The support
person said something on the order of "You're not our only customer, you
know," to which his reply was, "But we're one of the few with tactical
nuclear weapons."
--------------------------
This quote by a Nicaraguan official is taken from P.J. O'Rourke's
"Holidays in Hell".
"They [La Prensa] accused us of suppressing freedom of
expression. This was a lie and we could not let them
publish it."
-- Nelba Blandon, Interior Ministry
Director of Censorship, quoted in
The New York Times, 1984
--------------------------
Sign in a cafe on the U of C campus:
Merton Miller special:
Free Hamburger, Fries, and Soft Drink
With each Nobel Prize
--------------------------
Subj: Seen on the wall in a New York subway station
There are no integers n > 2 and x, y, z > 0, such that
x^n + y^n = z^n
I have found a truly wonderful proof of this.
Unfortunately, my train is coming.
--------------------------
On saturday, I received a letter from British Telecom saying that they had
installed a new computer to improve their efficiency.
On monday, I received a letter from British Telecom saying that they had
installed a new computer to improve their efficiency.
--------------------------
A collection of quotes from Professor Ralph Noble, a professor of psychology
here at RPI. Specifically, these were taken from his Psychology of Motivation
class, Fall semester 1991.
As you approach 4.0, study time approaches infinity.
On Oprah Winfrey's income: $83 million? Oprah and I do basically the same
thing. Stand in front of people and abuse them.
Look at this [dollar bill], for those of you who haven't seen [one] before.
I've been in the academic world a long time...I can sleep with my eyes open,
which is an important skill for those of you considering jobs in middle and
upper management.
She's human...well, she's a lawyer, but reasonably human.
We're going to assume a few things about reality. One, it exists. That's not
a necessary assumption, but I find it comforting.
There was some brilliant work done with rats, which makes it scientific.
In the US, males are a minority and should be treated and protected as such.
--------------------------
This program posts news to billions of machines throughout the galaxy. Your
message will cost the net enough to bankrupt your entire planet. As a result
your species will be sold into slavery. Be sure you know what you are doing.
Are you absolutely sure you want to do this? [ny] y
--------------------------
This was signed by a Ph.D. at the UW:
"....However, we do need your signed consent. Enclosed is a copy of the consent
form; please sign and return to us in the enclosed envelope."
Need I point out that while I'm not big, I'm not that small, either?
--------------------------
Seen in the "women seeking men" part of the "Phone-Match" section of the
San Diego _Reader_ (freebie weekly newspaper):
ARROGANT ENGINEER WANTED. Educated, savvy brunette seeks tall,
extremely intelligent, engineering type. Ex-geeks welcome.
Social skills not necessary; will train. No drug or MS-DOS users.
--------------------------
I saw the following ad in The Australian, Wednesday December 9. Looks
like with the advent of competition, Telecom Australia is branching
out and offering other services.
Call
008 052 052
and reduce
your family
and friends
by 10%.
--------------------------
From: lupienj@hpwarq.wal.hp.com (John Lupien)
Brian Kantor's article about the zip codes being wrong on the addresses used in
an advertisement for a text processing package brought to mind another faked-up
advertisement that is potentially much RISKier - in COMPUTER LANGUAGE there is
a recurring advertisement for a software product that uses a compound bow with
an arrow as its illustration. Perhaps the intent is to indicate that the
product is high-tech, accurate, powerful, and easy to use (all of which might
be said of compound bows), but if you look closely you notice that the arrow is
on the wrong side of the bow, and could not possibly be actually nocked on the
bowstring. If the bow was loosed in this configuration, the most likely result
would be embarrassment on the part of the operator, but if the arrow were to
partially catch the string, it could do considerable damage to the operator
and/or anyone else around. The target, however, would not be exposed to
significant risk of being hit... and if I was the intended target of the
advertisement, I have to say that it was rather wide of the mark...
To put the risk more succinctly, it is important to get the details right in
your advertisements: people who notice lack of attention to detail in
advertisements may well assume that this is indicative of the product as well.
--------------------------
The Committee
=============
by Leslie Lipson
submitted by Michael J. Irvin <IRVINMJ@WSUVM1>
Oh give me your pity!
I'm on a committee,
Which means that from morning to night,
We attend and amend
And contend and defend
Without a conclusion in sight.
We confer and concur,
We defer and demur,
And reiterate all of our thoughts.
We revise the agenda
With frequent addenda
And consider a load of reports.
We compose and propose,
We suppose and oppose,
And the points of procedure are fun;
But though various notions
Are brought up as motions,
There's terribly little gets done.
We resolve and absolve;
But we never dissolve,
Since it's out of the question for us
To bring our committee
To end like this ditty,
Which stops with a period, thus.
----------------------------------------------------
The following are quotes from the RT-11 monitor sources, with some
explanation.
At the beginning of the definition of the structure of an impure
area (information kept on a job-by-job basis):
; "In all things, success depends on previous preparation."
; - Confucius
At the beginning of the code which processes monitor errors:
; "The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars,
; but in ourselves" - Shakespeare, Julius Caesar
For the code which is used to 'chain' from one program to another,
(the calling program's memory image is discarded):
; "You will softly and suddenly vanish away
; And never be met with again." - Lewis Carroll
; "The Hunting of the Snark"
For the code which processes the 'read' request:
; "I'm quite illiterate, but I read a lot."
; - J.D. Salinger, "The Catcher in the Rye"
and for the code which processes the 'write' request:
; "Their manner of writing is very peculiar, being neither from the
; left to the right, like the Europeans; nor from the right to the
; left, like the Arabians; from up to down, like the Chinese; nor
; from down to up, like the Cascagians"
; - J. Swift, "Gulliver's Travels"
For the code which processes the request for the current time:
; "Perfection in a clock does not consist in being fast,
; but in being on time." - Vauvenargues, "Reflexions"
When a device interrupts, the code is supposed to call the monitor
to properly serialize its processing. The following is from the
code called:
; "Life is made up of interruptions." - W.S. Gilbert, "Patience"
; "For sleep, health, and wealth to be truly enjoyed, they must
; be interrupted." - J.P. Richter, "Flower, Fruit, and Thorn Pieces"
When the monitor is about to return the job scheduling code:
; "It is not enough to be busy; so are the ants. The question is,
; what are we busy about?"
; - H. D. Thoreau
Back in the days when computers had front panels with 'blinkin' lights',
the pdp-11 operating systems had unique patterns which they would
display in the panel lights. RT-11's did so when no other job could
run and the following comments introduce that code:
; "A source of innocent merriment!"
; - W.S. Gilbert, "Mikado"
; "Did nothing in particular, and did it very well"
; - W.S. Gilbert, "Iolanthe"
; "To be idle is the ultimate purpose of the busy"
; - Samuel Johnson, "The Idler"
; "I got plenty of nothin', and nothin's plenty fo' me!"
; - George and Ira Gershwin, "Porgy and Bess"
The following comment is from the code which handles the aborting
of a user job:
; "Behold the lord high executioner!
; A personage of noble rank and title -
; A dignified and potent officer,
; Whose functions are particularly vital."
; - W.S. Gilbert, "The Mikado"
Also having to do with jobs, the following comment is from the
code which performs a 'context switch' from one running job to
another:
; "It is best not to swap horses while crossing the river."
; - A. Lincoln
--------------------------
Date: 7 Apr 1977 1712-EST
From: Bob Chansler at CMU-10A
Reply-To: Lord High Executier@CMU-10A
Subject: Re: Close, but no cigar
To: BRIAN.REID at CMU-10A
CC: chansler@CMU-10A
Sender: BOB.CHANSLER at CMU-10A
Message-ID: [CMU-10A] 7 Apr 1977 17:12:49 Bob Chansler
In-Reply-To: Your message of April 6, 1977
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Remailed-Date: Wednesday, 26 September 1979 0009-EDT
I do not understand your concern about the size of message headers.
--------------------------
From: davida@umd5.umd.edu (David Arnold)
Subj: This is an institute of higher education?
I recently saw the form for enrolling in the University of Maryland,
and noticed the following (on a fill-in-the-boxes form):
Contact in case of emergency:
--------------------------------------------------------- -------
Name Living?
I can see it now: "... they might be a little hard to get ahold of;
they've been dead for 5 years..."
