[1985] in Humor
HUMOR (Tasteless): Rancho Santa Fe Jokes
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (abennett@MIT.EDU)
Mon Mar 31 18:37:20 1997
From: <abennett@MIT.EDU>
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Mon, 31 Mar 1997 18:13:31 EST
You *knew* they had to happen...
-Drew
------- Forwarded Message
Date: Mon, 31 Mar 1997 17:51:06 EST
From: "Mark A. Herschberg" <hershey@MIT.EDU>
From: Murtaza Sitabkhan <mzs@MIT.EDU>
Subject: Higher Source in RANCHO SANTA FE, Calif. (Reuter)
Oh how fast the Net works sometimes....
RANCHO SANTA FE, Calif. (Reuter) - The bodies of 39 men and women, cloaked
in purple shrouds, were found in a million-dollar California mansion in
what police Thursday said appeared to be a mass suicide.
Cmdr. Alan Fulmer of the San Diego County Sheriff's Department told an
early-morning news conference the cause of death was directly attributable
to the cultists use of Microsoft Corporation's popular web-browsing
software Internet Explorer.
The religious group designed computer web pages that were "best viewed with
Internet Explorer 3.0"
Fulmer said that "when they discovered that Internet Explorer was not going
to fully support Java, they had no choice but to kill themselves." He
continued "only the seriously disturbed or religiously fanatic would
design web sites for Internet Explorer". An unidentified officer added
"they should have been using Netscape like all sane people do."
Police said there was no sign the deaths were related to Saturday's incident
in Quebec when five members of a doomsday cult called the Solar Temple died
in a blazing house in an apparent ritual suicide pact.
=============================================================================
EMPLOYMENT OPPORTUNITIES IN RANCHO SANTA FE, CA
_____________
Thirty-nine openings for computer programmers and web developers in Rancho
Santa Fe, CA.
Company will provide luxurious residence and transportation to all
selected applicants, which will live and interact with a friendly group of
colleagues in a family-like environment.
Strict dressing code is required (mainly dark apparel, Nike shoes and buzz
haircut).
Looking for people interested in astronomy and the occult.
Extensive, long-term travel is mandatory.
Experience in vodka cocktail mixing and/or chemistry is a plus!
-------
Note: do not apply after comet Hale-Bopp leaves near-Earth orbit.
Send your resumes by mail, e-mail, fax or ESP to:
Higher Source
Rancho Santa Fe
CA 92067
hsce@highersource.com
=============================================================================
--- Top 13 reasons why The 39 Programmers committed suicide ---
13. They were AOL subscribers.
12. Sure-fire way to avoid the Year 2000 Problem.
11. Don't worry -- they're just rebooting.
10. Actually, they downloaded their personalities into a virtual
reality simulator. (Only required 2KB!)
9. Had met too many "Rules Girls."
8. Alan Greenspan made an offhand comment questioning the "irrational
exuberance" about Java.
7. It's the normal fallout from breaking up with a cyberslut.
6. They got a totally wicked flame-mail from Bill. (Bill!)
5. They found out there was no real person named Dana Scully.
4. It wasn't suicide. It was the Ebola macro virus.
3. They realized that "Comet Hale-Bopp" is an anagram for "HTML be
poop, Ace."
2. The aliens told them that in the 21st century no one uses the Web.
1. They're trying to spam God.
==============================================================================
Somebody's trying to drum up some business by e-mailing the former clients of
Higher Source...
Dear Former Client of Higher Source,
We in the web development community are saddened by the loss of our talented
but somewhat looney brothers and sisters at Higher Source. We've been told
that by combining great web design services with bizarre beliefs in the
supernatural, Higher Source served their clients well, if only for a short
time.
Since your web designers have tragically taken their own lives, we thought
we'd drop this little e-note to tell you a little bit about Snappy Web
Design. We at Snappy Web Design are all tepid Catholics, Jews, Agnostics and
Vegans. At worst, we drink, smoke, have pre-marital sex, and (some of us)
attend mass on Palm Sunday. We can assure you that next time a big ball of
dust and ice comes streaming thru the inner solar system, we won't lease
office space in the big design studio in the sky. That's right, no imbibing
from the toxic Java pot here! And since we don't have a big San Diego
mansion to rent, I think you find our design rates pleasantly competitive!
We hope that you'll consider working with Snappy Web Design. Along with
great web design, death by natural causes is our way of life.
Regards,
Webmaster, Snappy Web Design
P.S. Down the road, if you hear that we commited suicide en-masse, don't
panic. We're just trying to get a lot of people to visit our web site!
=============================================================================
