[176] in Humor
HUMOR: Clipper spinoffs
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (abennett@MIT.EDU)
Sat Apr 2 08:24:18 1994
From: abennett@MIT.EDU
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Sat, 02 Apr 94 08:22:49 EST
Date: Tue, 29 Mar 1994 23:19:49 -0700
From: Espacionaute Spiff domine! <matossian@aries.colorado.edu>
Forwarded-by: sef@kithrup.com
Forwarded-by: pardo@cs.washington.edu <pardo@cs.washington.edu>
CLIPPER TECHNOLOGY SPIN-OFFS
Washington (DPI) -- The Clinton administration is having second thoughts
about the proposed "Clipper" encryption chip, especially after suffering
a storm of protest from industry, public interest groups and concerned
citizens. However, there is some indication that even if Clipper
encryption dies there may be some merit to the basic ideas; Washington
is now looking for ways to "spin off" clipper technologies and make them
separately available. Details on two key proposals have become
available:
CLIPPER CARS -- Will not exceed 55 MPH except as posted. Private
citizens need not use this car, but it will be required for all
government-related trips and also for drivers license road tests.
``Since criminals will now only go 55mph, tops, high speed chases will
be a thing of the past'', said one law enforcement official. Police
will also be issued special keys that allow them to comandeer any
Clipper car and drive it at any speed. To maintain security, all
Clipper cars will be equipped with locks made by a selected supplier
and the locks will self-destruct if tampered with. Locksmiths, however,
object that since the government won't release the design, they can't
say how easy it will be to pick the lock. ``For all we know'', said
one lock industry observer, ``there's a built-in master tumber set and
anybody could use it to take your car on a joy ride -- or worse''. The
administration, however, denied this and said that secrecy was necessary
to prevent ``tampering''.
CLIPPER PIPES -- Can only be used to smoke legal tobacco. The Clipper
pipe detects when it is being used to smoke anything else and stops
working. Use of the Clipper pipe is not required, but all new pipes
sold in the U.S. in lots of more than 500 must be Clipper-equipped.
``Yes, the $350 smoke analyzer will raise costs, somewhat,'' admitted
one official, ``but our ability to get transponder keys from escrow, in
an easy, timely yet safe way will help greatly with law enforcement''.
But will criminals simply switch to some other way of smoking? Already
the American Tobacco Lobby has complained that only joints and bongs,
not the ordinary pipes, are used in consuming dangerous illegal drugs.
The ACLU has joined in the fight, saying they are fundamentally opposed
to all kinds of smoking, but that the access to remote sensing opens up
new room for privacy abuses. In a televised speech, Clinton declared
that these were not problems; that law-abiding citizens wouldn't see
a change in their daily habits because ``law-abiding citzens wouldn't
inhale, anyway''.
