[11] in Humor
HUMOR: how to pick a winning softball team
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (abennett@MIT.EDU)
Sat Jan 15 10:27:30 1994
From: abennett@MIT.EDU
To: humor@MIT.EDU
Date: Sat, 15 Jan 94 10:22:59 EST
This sounds horrifyingly like our team, except the "Big Kahuna" (our boss)
would make a great catcher... :)
-Drew
Date: Thu, 13 Jan 1994 02:45:48 -0700
From: Espacionaute Spiff domaine! <matossian@aries.colorado.edu>
Reprinted from the Seattle Times
circa 1986-7
by Mitch Albom
Knight-Ridder Newspapers
Let us deal today with a timely sports question. How do you choose a
company softball team?
The answer is, there are lots of way. My favorite way is in a bar,
late at night, with a hat, 50 pieces of paper, and a group of people
who like to sing in Swedish, even though they don't speak Swedish.
And plenty of ice. But that is just my way. And I don't hit very
well.
Others take it more seriously. In fact, to certain types--investment
bankers, account executives, anyone from New York--softball leagues
have become roughly the equivalent of, oh, say, holy war.
First of all, because it is May, it is too late to be picking softball
teams. In today's competitive business world, the winning teams made
up their rosters back in November. Several players actually are under
contract year-around. They will never admit this, of course. But if
you know a burly salesman who hasn't met a quota in years, chances are
he's somebody's first baseman.
Still there is hope for your group. Their bus could crash. And if
that kind of luck should strike, you better be ready.
Here then, as a public service, and I don't do this for everybody, are
25 tried-and-tested methods for picking a winning softball team. I
emphasize the word winning, which is not the same as wearing a
sweatshirt and waking up with a hangover. Ready?
1) Never pick the boss.
2) Never pick the boss' secretary.
3) Pick Vinny from the shipping department. If there is no Vinny,
pick Frank. No doubt Frank will know a Vinny, probably from some
other shipping department, and Vinny will know another Vinny. Or
Eddie. So you end up with three guys, either Vinny, Vinny, and Vinny,
or Frank, Vinny, and Vinny, or Frank, Vinny, and Eddie. This, by the
way, is your starting outfield.
4) Never pick a Seth.
5) If you hold open tryouts, and a player shows up with a large radio
on his shoulder, grab him.
6) Unless the radio is playing Barry Manilow
7) Are we dealing with co-ed teams? We are?
8) In that case, anyone named Brenda gets on automatically. At least
on my team.
9) Take any player with his own ice chest. (If you do not understand
this, I am not going to explain. You should join the company
racquetball league instead, where they drink Perrier.)
10) No vice presidents.
11) Never take a guy wearing a batting glove. Batting gloves do
nothing. Batting gloves are an excuse for people to spend $10.00, so
the owner of the sporting goods store can take his wife to France.
12) Anyone with a tattoo starts.
13) Two tattoos bats cleanup.
14) IMPORTANT TIP: LOOK AT THE GLOVE. If it is ratty and frayed and
has masking tape all over it, you want the guy. If it is shiny and
orange and is signed by Rusty Staub, you'd better pass.
15) If he owns spikes, he's in.
16) Never take the boss. I know we covered this already. I don't
want you to forget.
17) ANOTHER IMPORTANT TIP: LOOK AT THE CAR. As a general rule, people
who drive Volkswagen Beetles make good softball players. I don't know
why this is. I have never seen a decent softball player pull up in a
Chrysler New Yorker. Ever.
18) No more than four players with glasses.
19) Only players named "Pepper" or "Spike" or "Scooter" can be your
shortstop. But only if that's his real name. Have him bring a birth
certificate. I mean, anyone can call himself "Scooter", right? You
want the guy whose parents thought it up.
20) Pick someone with spare bats.
21) Get at least one person from sales. Even if he or she can't play,
at least you'll find out what all those other sneaky salespeople are
planning.
22) Choose a catcher who is loud and obnoxious. Someone who will say
to a batter, "Hey. If you had a brain, you'd be outside playing with
it."
23) NEVER PICK THE BOSS! [Just a reminder.]
24) No Dr. Pepper drinkers. I don't trust them.
25) If Rita, the redheaded receptionist, is at all interested, sign
her up. The hell with her average.
So there you have it.
Of course, these rules apply only if your goal is to win the softball
trophy and go the awards dinner.
On the other hand, if your goal is to get ahead in business, I advise
only two things:
Pick your boss. And let him play shortstop.
