[873] in Dilbert Redistribution
Dilbert Newsletter 63.0
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (DNRC-newsletter@unitedmedia.com)
Tue May 9 16:09:55 2006
From: "DNRC-newsletter@unitedmedia.com" <DNRC-newsletter@unitedmedia.com>
To: null null <dilbert-redist@mit.edu>
Date: Tue, 09 May 2006 13:41:57 -0400
Dilbert Newsletter 63.0
"A Little Ray of Bitter Sunshine"
May 2006
Click this link to see the newsletter in all of its majestic HTML beauty on the Web:
http://www.dilbert.com/comics/dilbert/dnrc/html/newsletter63.html
DNRC UPDATE
===========
Dogbert’s New Ruling Class boasts 476,000 members. Each one of you is so wonderful that existing adjectives are inadequate. I recommend a new word to be used exclusively for DNRC members: splendsmartiful.
Newsletter Versus Blog
======================
In the last newsletter I asked if anyone was actually reading The Dilbert Newsletter, partly because I was considering folding its content into The Dilbert Blog. About a trillion splendsmartiful people e-mailed to say that they are too lazy to go to the blog. They want their Dilbert Newsletter sent directly to them. An alarming number of people requested that I visit them at home and whisper the True Tales of Induhviduals as bedtime stories. I plan to do just that, so leave your doors unlocked tonight. And if you happen to dream about Brokeback Mountain, I swear it isn’t my fault.
For now, the Newsletter and blog will be separate but equal. See the blog at:
http://dilbertblog.typepad.com/
Nomination for the Dogbert Award
================================
There’s no such thing as a Dogbert Award, but when I heard this story from a reader, I thought that maybe there should be.
“I have a student whose vocabulary is rather impressive. He annoys his classmates by answering questions in such a way that they have no idea what he has just said. Finally one student had had enough and asked why his classmate couldn't say things so other people could understand him. Without missing a beat the student shot back "Because I don't speak retard!"
My immediate reaction was that the entire school year had been an elaborate set up for that punchline.
Cow and Boy
===========
I consider it my duty to alert you whenever a worthy comic strip is launched. You should check out a new one called “Cow and Boy.” I’ll put the URL at the end of this section.
Your first reaction will likely be “Hey, he’s ripping off Calvin and Hobbes! All he did was change the tiger to a cow!” And you would be correct about that. But it’s worth noting that virtually all comics are rip-offs of earlier ones. Dilbert is essentially Charlie Brown with better math grades, all grown up, with Snoopy gone bad. We cartoonists call that sort of thing our “influences” so it sounds less larcenous.
Calvin and Hobbes was essentially the illegitimate child of Dennis the Menace and Christopher Robin with his stuffed tiger, Tigger. Being “influenced” is fair game. With Cow and Boy, the question should be how well he executes. In my opinion, he’s terrific. You’ll be seeing a lot of him.
See for yourself at http://www.comics.com/comics/cowandboy/
FREE GOD’S DEBRIS E-BOOK
========================
Still free for download. No strings attached.
http://www.andrewsmcmeel.com/godsdebris/
INDUHVIDUAL QUOTES
==================
Here are some more true quotes from Induhviduals as reported by DNRC field operatives.
"…the cream of the corn".
"…too many cooks in the broth."
"The short answer is 'Yes.' The long answer is 'No.'"
"Get your game faces on, because this is not a game!"
"Looks like I've spent the day chasing a wild herring! "
"We are the glue that keeps things moving. "
"Fits like a charm! Wait..fits like a shoe? "
"See me verbally."
"That guy is running around like a chicken with his legs cut off."
"It just like stealing teeth from a baby."
"It’s like the rooster guarding the hen house."
"That guy doesn't have a spine to stand on."
"If we don't start shipping things sooner lead times will just get longer."
"I can tell you this, they are all sitting 2 inches higher in their seats, because they all just crapped their pants."
"You're barking up a dead tree."
"That's my sixth cents, for what it's worth."
"That's not his cup of cake."
"You don't want to shoot yourself in the foot because you might want to take a walk later."
"That raised a human cry."
BOOKS
==========================
My newest Dilbert book, THRIVING ON VAGUE OBJECTIVES
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/redirect?path=ASIN/0740755331&link_code=as2&camp=1789&tag=dilbertcom-20&creative=9325
Other Great Dilbert Stuff
http://www.cafepress.com/dilbert
TRUE TALES OF INDUHVIDUALS
==========================
Here now, more true tales of Induhviduals as reported by vigilant DNRC members.
==
My husband is a physician and in the Army Reserve. He recently received orders that he will be sent to Iraq in December. Since he found out he was going, he has been telling his patients that he will be going to Iraq. Multiple patients have asked him: “Is your wife going with you?”
==
The following is part of a deposition given by a local Chief of Police:
"In the accreditation process we had certain requirements that we had to meet to meet the requirements of the accreditation."
I'm not entirely comfortable knowing that this is the guy who's in charge of keeping us from getting killed.
==
I was recently at the hairdresser on a very rainy day. As it had been raining consistently for what seemed like weeks, I made a joke to my hairdresser about going home to build an ark. She proceeded to ask me what an ark was. I told her (hopefully w/out sounding condescending) it was like a boat, you know, Noah's Ark, haha? She proceeded to tell me that she had never read or seen Noah's Ark (I'm assuming she meant a movie about Noah's Ark; apparently the Academy also missed that one.) Anyway, after an awkward silence, the hairdresser working next to her the entire time said to me, "And you're going home to build one?"
==
A few days ago, a couple of friends and I were talking and our conversation verged toward weather. (I’m a terrible conversationalist, I know, but I compensate by blaming other people.) My boss came in and said "Every time I go outside I'm cold, but I don't know why." This is a true story.
==
Our company just announced that it was outsourcing one of our groups to India. At the meeting that was held to make the announcement, one of the people in a group closely related to the outsourced group (and is probably next to go) was asking a lot of questions as to the merits and wisdom of moving the jobs to India. Finally the manager running the meeting asked her, “Don’t you think that the people in India deserve to have jobs and have a better standard of living?” The room was completely silent (crickets chirping in the background). No one bothered asking any more questions.
==
On a recent trip to a nearby restaurant I was seated one table over from two twenty-something young ladies. I overheard this bit of sage advice, "Girl, you'd better stop putting so much salt on your food! You'll end up with diabetes like your dad."
==
I work at a collections agency, and I called one lady about her bill, and another lady answered, and I asked if Ann was there, and she said "I'll Check. One Minute." So I waited for 30 seconds or so, and she came back on and said "She's not here right now, but she asked me to take a message."
==
Last year, I had to take a four-hour course on drugs and alcohol abuse in order to obtain a learner's driving permit. The instructor asked something along the lines of, how much time one would spend in the big house if they were caught drinking and driving? The answer was 18 months. Genius student number one raises his hand and asks, "How many years are in 18 months?" Genius student number two retorts, "Duh, a year, plus eight more months." I shudder to think these people are driving around right now.
==
I saw this one in my Sunday newspaper. A Canadian woman bought what she believed to be cocaine from her drug dealer. When she opened it she found it was only baking powder and reported her drug dealer to the police. They found that is was in fact cocaine after all and arrested her for possession of illegal drugs.
==
While living in Estes Park, CO (where there are a lot of elk running around), my wife was working as a cashier. One day, a tourist asked, "When do the deer turn into elk?"
==
Ask Dogbert
============
Dogbert answers tough questions with tough love.
Dear Dogbert,
While in class, which I call indoctrination, my teachers dislikes it when I read the newspaper, trying to inform myself on world events. They say it distracts me from learning, while all I'm trying to do is find today's Dilbert strip. What should I say when they ask me to stop reading?
Sincerely,
Mackenzie
Dear Madfrenzy,
Many students don’t realize that school is entirely optional. I’m fairly certain that if you refuse to go, the police will only put your parents in jail. This is not only a huge time saver, but it’s an excellent threat when you need it, as in “Well, Dad, you might want to give me the car keys unless you want to spend the next six months spooning with a guy named Hacksaw.”
Sincerely,
Dogbert
==
Dear Dogbert,
Is cheerleading a sport?
Ed
Dear Head,
It’s only a sport if you play to win. As you know, you can only win at cheerleading by being the last one standing. The easiest way is by goosing one of the cheerleaders at the bottom of the pyramid.
Sincerely,
Dogbert
==
Dear Dogbert,
What is the best gift to give to a girlfriend?
Kamal
Dear Camel,
Judging from the quality of your question, I’m assuming you’re talking about some other guy’s girlfriend. In that case, give her something that doesn’t cost too much and can’t be traced back to you in any way.
Sincerely,
Dogbert
==
Dear Dogbert,
It's freezing in the office and the manager won't put on the heaters because he claims he does not feel the cold. What is the best course of action in this sort of situation?
Megan
Dear YouAgain,
Your boss is evidently a zombie with no central nervous system. But since he is also a manager, chances are that he has no spine. That means you can sneak up behind him and bend him into a doughnut shape, inserting his head into his sphincter. This works best if your boss has a chin or a pointy nose for the full Velcro™ affect. You won’t notice any impact on his ability to do strategy, but it might make it quieter around the office.
Sincerely,
Dogbert
==
Dear Dogbert,
Why does Scott put a link explaining how to subscribe to a newsletter in the newsletter that I'm already subscribed to?
Zack
Dear Nutzack,
Mr. Adams realizes that you will be inspired to forward this newsletter to countless people that you mistakenly assume are friends. Some of them might want to subscribe to the newsletter directly to minimize their indirect contact with you.
Sincerely,
Dogbert
==
Dear Dogbert:
Which golf club is best to fend off an intruder? A driver has more surface area, but I’m not sure if you can beat the stiffness of a 9 iron shaft.
Scott
Dear Snout,
When it comes to either golf or whacking intruders, I recommend a bazooka. In golf, it virtually guarantees that you’ll be able to play through. And you can make your own holes. A bazooka is also certain to gain the respect of your intruder, at least for that split second between the time you yell something funny like “Rest in pieces!” and the time you realize you should have asked him to first step outside.
Sincerely,
Dogbert
==
Dear Dogbert
I recently discovered the fountain of youth. However, as I am already a youth, I am in quite a predicament. If I drink it, will I disappear?
Kimber
Dear Limber,
It’s worth a try.
Sincerely,
Dogbert
==
Dear Dogbert,
I recently joined a company and I don't have an official title yet. When I asked my boss about it, he said, "You don't need a title. Titles limit your ability to explore and do other things at work."
What do you think of what he said?
Nora
Dear Neithera,
Bad news: You’re a secretary.
Sincerely,
Dogbert
==
Dear Dogbert,
What's the best in pick-up line in the world?
Karl
Dear Snarl,
Try this: "I’m a generous billionaire with less than a week to live."
Sincerely,
Dogbert
==
Dear Dogbert,
My boss always smells of alcohol and says things like “And I know you know I’m serious” or “I ain’t got any hankies for your tears.” How should I respond to her?
Herman
Dear Vermin,
Try this: "Someone said there’s a bottle of Scotch in that wood chipper."
Sincerely,
Dogbert
==
Do you have questions about office politics, meeting etiquette, romancing your boss, the meaning of life, or anything else? Send your questions to scottadams@aol.com and Dogbert will provide answers in the next Dilbert Newsletter.
Dilbert Fodder
---------------
What's bugging you about your job? Let me know and you might see it in a Dilbert comic or newsletter. The best comic fodder involves workplace peeves, devious strategies, frustrations of dealing with others, conflicting objectives, unintended management consequences, and of course my favorite - idiot bosses.
And I love True Tales of Induhviduals and true quotes.
And if you're seeing any new management trends that need to be mocked, I can help. Send your (brief) suggestions to me at:
scottadams@aol.com.
IMPORTANT: Put "Dilbert" at the end
of your subject line so my spam filter
won't bounce it back.
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