[8] in Dilbert Redistribution
DILBERT_LIST NEWSLETTER_3.0 (1/1)
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (Alicia L Allen)
Sun Jun 11 16:33:03 1995
Date: Sun, 11 Jun 95 16:32:34 EDT
From: iggy@MIT.EDU (Alicia L Allen)
To: dilbert-redist@MIT.EDU
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Date: Mon, 3 Apr 1995 01:32:06 -0700
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Dilbert Newsletter 3.0
----------------------
******************************
**** Special Supplemental ****
******************************
To: Dogbert's New Ruling Class (DNRC)
From: Scott Adams
Date: 11/94
Hi again.
This special supplemental newsletter is mostly so I can shamelessly tell you
that the new ***Dilbert Screen Saver Collection*** (for Windows and Mac) has
shipped.
It's from Delrina and it should be popping up in all fine computer stores who
have a clue. Or call Delrina at 1-800-315-5848.
If the sales person at your local software store gives you a blank stare or
says they don't carry it, I recommend scrunching your face up and saying
something incredibly condescending like "It runs under Windows -- maybe
you've heard of THAT."
(Macintosh users adjust accordingly. If you have any trouble sounding
condescending, find a Unix user to show you how it's done.)
Your Rank in the DNRC
---------------------
As you know, when Dogbert conquers the planet, those of you on this mailing
list will form the new ruling class and get to treat all other people like
five-and-a-quarter-inch diskettes.
But you're probably wondering how you can jockey for position within the
ruling class.
After all, it's not who you are as a person that counts, it's who you're
superior to. So, to remove any ambiguity in this matter I have consulted
with Dogbert to create this handy point scoring system.
The more points you get, the higher your rank.
How to Earn Points
------------------
* 1 point for every computer in your home.
* 1 point for each Dilbert cartoon displayed on your wall, door or
refrigerator. (5 bonus points if you are knowingly annoying somebody by
displaying the cartoons.)
* 1 point for every game on your computer(s) at work.
* 2 points for every vacation day you've successfully classified as a
"telecommuting" day in the past 12 months.
* 2 points for convincing your employer that you need Internet access for
(hee hee!) "important business reasons."
* 5 points for each unit of Dilbert merchandise you purchase.
(All funds go to Dogbert's paramilitary force, mostly to improve morale among
the Generals.)
* 5 points for contacting your newspaper and requesting that
they run Dilbert. (3 bonus points for snorting and acting amazed that the
paper doesn't already have it.)
* 5 points if you suggest a topic that I later use in the strip, even if
others suggested it too.
* 10 points for dressing like any member of the Dilbert cast for Halloween.
* 20 points for buying the Dilbert Screen Saver before Christmas. (10 bonus
points if you can get your employer to pay for it.)
* 20 points if you've ever become aroused by reading the strip. (10 bonus
points if you're a Unitarian.)
* 50 points if you've been reprimanded by management for displaying Dilbert
cartoons.
* Minus 5 points if you think little Billy from Family Circus is "a stitch".
Point Score Adjudication
------------------------
We're using the Bird Watchers method of point scoring, meaning you use the
honor system. Obviously, skilled liars will fare better at both bird
watching and jockeying for position in the DNRC.
Titles Already Taken
--------------------
All official titles in Dogbert's New Ruling Class are awarded on a
first-come, first-served basis. These titles are already taken:
God of Mayonnaise
King of Colorado
King of France
Supreme Gadget Tinkerer
Minister of Gadgets
Minister of Gidgets
Supreme Arch Techno-Weenie
Lord High Everything Else
Senior Technologist
Supreme Goddess of Pun@ctu*at!io}n, Er&ro%rs and Mispelllingz
Minister of Whirled Peas
Assistant Under-Secretary for Euphemisms
Minister of Megalomania
Secretary of Crass Commercialization
Kitchen Staff Supervisor
Minister of procrastination
Lifeguard of the Internet
Something of Frost
Minister of Cutting Edge Information Technologies that Suck
Up All Your Free Time
Manager of Zero Quality Software
Commissioner of the Professional Frisbee Golf Association
Cardinal of Limbo
Minister of Violent Crack Down on Restless citizens
Supreme Overlord of the Waffle Light
Secretary of Odds and Ends
Keeper of the Sacred Can Opener
Director of Recycling
Minister of things that go 'plonk' when you hit them with a
stick
Minister for Saying 'I told you so.' When Things Have Gone
Terribly Wrong
Minister of Dying Technologies
The Secretary of Misguided Users
Minister for Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms
Technological Toy Tsar
Judge of Wedgies
Deputy Assistant Under Secretary for the Promulgation of
Bureaucracy
Minister of Rudeness
Minister of Bizarre and Possibly Immoral Experiments
Minister of User Interface Review
Minister of Highly Secret Things
Minister for Things That Seemed Like A Good Idea At The Time
Minister of Everything
Guy in charge of the Bureau of Alchemy
Pointless Research at Higher Institutions
Chief Secretary of Computer Security, Torture, and the
Infinitely Complex Password
Minister of Defense
Low Life Sub-Peon Pond Scum
Director of Nomadic Urban Planning
Minister of Buzzwords
Maintainer of the St. Dogbert Shrine
Any disputes will be resolved by the Judge of Wedgies.
Rumor Squelching
----------------
There is a rumor in the Boston area that the Dilbert Screen Saver Collection
has one module that acts as a powerful subliminal aphrodisiac. In my tests I
found that only a small percentage of viewers experienced this effect, barely
more than a control group of fraternity members who drank beer and viewed
adult movies.
However, there is some evidence that the Dilbert Screen Saver reverses male
pattern baldness, but it's too soon to tell.
Catbert
-------
I got a peck of mail after the brief appearance of a cat creature in the
strip. Most of the writers could be put in two categories: 1) Cat lovers,
and 2) People who think cat lovers should be ripped to pieces by large dogs.
People in the second category were largely baffled by the strip where the cat
(okay, call it Catbert) declared it would attack its natural enemy and was
next seen on Dilbert's keyboard. As only cat owners with computers know,
cats love to get on your keyboard when you're using it.
This was not my most insightful work, but I got lots of mail from people with
the same problem who wrote, and I quote "My cat slhgjb to climb on myj pwerjp
keyboardlsad he's onthhgj there now. Ha ha kjgj ha!!"
I haven't decided if the cat will return.
Dogbert Secret
--------------
Here's a little inside knowledge that only the people who read this
newsletter will know. Dogbert's original name wasn't Dogbert. It was
Dildog. I changed it at the last minute before I sent my samples to comic
syndicators for consideration.
Remember this tidbit in case you ever have to prove you're a member of
Dogbert's New Ruling Class. It's your password.
Dilbert Index
-------------
I'm starting an index of the top ten most irritating` business practices.
It's a non-scientific survey that will eventually be construed as scientific
because most people don't care whether their information is reliable or not.
To participate, just vote for the THREE that irritate you the most and send
your vote to: IndexBert@aol.com for tabulation. This will be an ongoing
measure.
- Quality
- Empowerment
- Performance reviews
- Idiots promoted to management
- Reengineering
- Status reporting
- Ordering office supplies
- Micromanagement
- Longer hours without overtime pay
- Hoteling (first-come cubicles)
- Lack of training
- Being forced to work with idiots
How to Subscribe Automatically
------------------------------
You can subscribe to the Dilbert List automatically by sending an e-mail to
the address listproc@internex.net with ONLY this message in the body of your
e-mail (and nothing in the subject line):
subscribe Dilbert_List Joe Blow
(except put your real name instead of Joe Blow).
And your e-mail address will be picked up automatically, so you need not
specify it.
If the automatic method doesn't work for you, send me a note at
scottadams@aol.com and I'll put you on manually.
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