[71] in Dilbert Redistribution
Dilbert Newsletter 55.0
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (DNRC-newsletter@unitedmedia.com)
Fri May 14 08:56:59 2004
From: "DNRC-newsletter@unitedmedia.com" <DNRC-newsletter@unitedmedia.com>
To: null null <dilbert-redist@mit.edu>
Date: Thu, 13 May 2004 14:40:02 -0400
Dilbert Newsletter 55.0
"A Little Ray of Bitter Sunshine"
May 2004
(If you'd like to see this newsletter in HTML format, you can view it at http://www.dilbert.com/dnrc55.html)
HEADLINES
DNRC HEADQUARTERS – The DNRC's ranks continue to swell. Doctors are baffled. In addition to being swollen, there are more of us. Each member is so inexplicably bright and alluring that it's only a matter of time before one of us becomes the first Nobel Prize-winning supermodel. Personally, I like my chances.
WILTON, CT – Billionaire adventurer Norton P. Winslow III is attempting to enter the record books by flushing himself to China. "I did the hot air balloon thing. I did the Everest thing. I swam the English Channel. To be honest, I was running out of challenges."
To prepare for the feat, Winslow will be going on a crash diet until he is "roughly the size and shape of a kielbasa." At a cost of over $25 million, a special team of scientists will be fashioning the airtight tube that will keep the adventurer alive for the estimated nine days the journey will take
"Maybe I could be spending the money on something more useful to society, but frankly, I can't think of anything," said Winslow.
CAMBRIDGE, MA – A Harvard Business School study shows that when you give vacation days to employees, they "go off and do whatever they want." Middle manager Cecil Brunswick summed it up this way, "When they aren't in the office, I lose control. They could be dressing inappropriately, using their home phones for personal calls and whatnot. It's unprofessional — that's what it is. Wait, never mind; I just remembered I'm the receptionist. But thanks for asking."
SCRANTON, PA – Nine-year old tabby cat, Tiger, sometimes known as Tiger-boy, Ti-Ti or simply Mister T, steadfastly refuses to learn his owner's name. Disgruntled former pet-lover Ted Buntkins is not amused, complaining "He knows his OWN damned name. How hard is it learn MY name? For crimminy sakes!" Animal experts confirm Buntkins' suspicions, pointing out that to Tiger, Buntkins is just "that guy."
LUBBOCK, TX – Self-service gas station attendant Skip Munsey sold his soul to the devil today for a cookie. "I was hungry something fierce," the married father of six explained. "I probably should have thought it over. Maybe I could have eaten something from my lunch pail instead. I had options, but to be honest, I just wasn't thinking.
When asked about the transaction, Satan laughed and explained, "Yeah, sometimes it goes like that, real easy. On other days I have to throw in a bunch of extras. I was surprised he didn't put up more of a fight. The funny part is that I took the cookie from his own lunch pail."
When asked about Mr. Munsey's fate in the afterlife, Satan insisted he hasn't given it much thought. "Lately we've been doing a lot of things involving rodents and lava. I think that might be a good fit."
LIVERMORE, CA – America is losing its leadership in science, according to a recent study performed by people who wear corrective lenses but are otherwise untrained to perform research. "We looked all over the neighborhood, and no one looked like a scientist to us," explained plumber-turned-researcher Carl Crakshowin.
DILBERT HOUSE UPDATE
Several thousand people answered the call to help design a Dilbert House. Here are some highlights based on the consensus of DNRC savant suggestions.
- Part underground construction
- Straw bale insulation, stucco exterior
- Passive solar design
- Radiant floor heating
- LED lighting
- Solar panels
- Solar closet
- Cat/dog room
- Scream room
- Urinal in his bathroom
- Home theater
- No "museum rooms" i.e. foyer, formal dining room, front room
- Floors: cork, bamboo, tile
- Hose-cleanable bathroom for kids
- Dedicated closet for fake Christmas tree, on wheels
- Wiring closet and conduits to each room
You can see the full specs, still a work in progress, at http://www.dilbert.com/comics/dilbert/house1.html.
Feel free to make comments on the design as it stands, especially if you have direct experience with any of the features mentioned. For example, if you have cork floors, and love them, or hate them, let me know at scottadams@aol.com. We'll be building the actual home in full computer model so you can do a virtual walk-through in the fall.
TRUE TALES OF INDUHVIDUALS
Here are some more true tales of induhviduals, as reported by vigilant DNRC operatives in the field.
--
A science teacher was telling her ninth grade students about how Mars and Venus are sometimes visible in the night sky. One of the students asked if you ever see earth in the sky as well.
--
I worked for a computer repair company. We sold a monitor to a customer, who called us a few hours later, very upset. He complained that the monitor we had sold him was defective. After about ten minutes on the phone with him, I determined that he had the screen part of the monitor face down on the desk. He was staring at the base and wondering why it wasn't working. He hung up rather sheepishly after this was explained to him.
--
I was at a new grocery and asked where the flour tortillas were. The young woman suggested checking the floral department.
--
After getting lost, I stopped and asked the clerk of a convenience store for directions. My confidence in him took quite a blow when he asked, "Are you coming from State Route 37?" With as much patience as I could muster, I said, "No. I'm coming from right here."
--
I work in a large department store in London. I was taking the lift (that's an elevator in American) and a lady got in with me. When the doors closed, she started hammering the button for the ground floor with a look of grave seriousness. Someone asked her why she kept doing it. "It keeps the lift from stopping at other floors," she said, "unless someone has pressed the button to call it."
--
I was traveling on business in a small town. At about 9:00 pm, my colleague and I started calling around for a place to eat that would still be open. The first few restaurants that we called said they closed by 9:00, but we finally found one that said they were open until 10:00. We rushed right over, arriving at 9:15. The restaurant server gave us a seat, but no menus. When we asked for menus she said, " Oh, the restaurant is open until 10:00, but the kitchen closes at 9:00."
--
Cigarette packets in the UK feature huge health warnings that take up about two-thirds of the front of the packet. These bear messages such as "Smoking Kills" and "Smoking seriously harms you and others around you." A colleague of mine was queuing in a store behind a woman who was buying a packet of cigarettes. On seeing the packet that the storekeeper was handing her, she said, "Oh no, don't give me the "Smoking Kills" packet. Give me the "Smoking harms your fertility," 'cos I've already got two kids."
--
I work in an electric propulsion lab that contains several vacuum chambers for testing propulsion devices in a space-like environment. During a routine safety check, the safety officer was VERY concerned about the dangers of "vacuum leaking out into the lab."
--
One day our property office mistakenly faxed me a document on some equipment that belonged to another department. I called to let them know that it had been misdirected. The Induhvidual thanked me and requested that I fax the document back so he could destroy it.
--
I asked a customer, "Would you like a 20 ounce or 32 ounce drink?" He responded, "Which one is bigger?"
--
In my high school social studies class, we were having a discussion about Sigmund Freud, the famous psychologist. After our teacher finished telling us about Freud and his life, a girl asked which one of them got attacked by the tiger. She thought we were discussing Siegfried & Roy.
--
I have a part-time job as a tech support. I was explaining to a caller that she should right-click on the image, and select COPY. When she asked me if I was referring to MY right, or HER right, I hung up.
--
My birthday falls on September 13th, which means that once every so often I have a Friday 13th birthday. While on the phone to my friend discussing my birthday plans she asked if I was superstitious about the date. I replied that no, I had had birthday's on Friday 13th before and wasn't worried about it. To which she responded "I wonder if my birthday will ever be on Friday 13th?" Not likely, since her birthday is May 2nd.
A GOOD BUSINESS BOOK?
Free Prize Inside - That's the name of a great new marketing book from bestselling author Seth Godin. I've never recommended a business book before — I prefer mocking them — but this one is unusually good. It explains how traditional marketing is dead, and offers practical ideas on how to make your product or service so remarkable that it sells itself. The part I like best is that it's written for everyone in the company, recognizing that anyone can have the little idea that has a huge impact.
It's just out. Here's the link for it on Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/1591840414/newsletter1-20
INDUHVIDUAL QUOTES
Here now, more quotes from Induhviduals, submitted by DNRC field operatives.
"The problem is we have too many Indians and not enough chickens."
"Just because he's our landlord doesn't mean he owns the place."
"We want this to be effective with a capital A!"
"Stands out like a dog's sore thumb."
"We have to go back and look at each other in the mirror."
"He doesn't have half a brain to piss in!"
"She used enough Scotch Tape to feed a third world country."
"There is enough water here to sink a fish!"
"They need to get all their ducks in one sock".
"This thing is hanging over my head like a bad penny."
"What part of 'no' don't you understand? Is it the 'N', or the 'Zero'?"
MORE GOOD BOOKS
See your own dreary, monotonous existence brought to comedic life in Dilbert's latest collection - Don't Stand Where the Comet is Assumed to Strike Oil:
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0740745395/dilbertcom-20
Order Dilbert - The Complete Series, featuring all 30 episodes on 4 Discs, in a deluxe DVD package today:
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/B0000WN15E/newsletter1-20/103-5784629-4927852?creative=125581&camp=2321&link_code=as1
Order now to follow the continuing adventures of Rat, Pig and the whole herd of characters in the second collection of Pearls Before Swine:
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/redirect?tag=newsletter1-20&path=tg/detail/-/0740738135/qid%3D1084299569/sr%3D1-1
Ask Dogbert
-----------
Do you have questions about office politics, meeting etiquette, romancing your boss, the meaning of life, or anything else? Send your questions to scott adams@aol.com and Dogbert will provide answers in the next Dilbert Newsletter.
--
Dear Dogbert,
If my boss is overweight and asks me if I think she's fat, what should I say?
Will
Dear Wilted,
You should say, "Fat?? No way. But Bob thinks you are."
Sincerely,
Dogbert
--
Dear Dogbert,
My chain-smoking boss keeps lighting cigarettes near open fuel lines. When I try to calmly approach him about the topic, he gets defensive and temperamental about his habit. How do I protect my basic Constitutional right to life without getting fired?
Charles
Dear Charcoal,
Did you say, "fired"? Heh heh heh. Good one. But seriously, I recommend that you start smoking yourself. I hear it's lots of fun, and if you know you're going to die from other causes soon anyway, there's not much to lose.
Sincerely,
Dogbert
--
Dear Dogbert,
I heard that Scott Adams is co-owner of a new restaurant called Stacey's at Waterford, in Dublin CA, that now offers Sunday brunch. Is the website still www.staceysatwaterford.com?
Shill
Dear Shill,
I see what you're trying to do here, and I admire it.
Sincerely,
Dogbert
--
Dear Dogbert,
I am a college teacher. What should I tell my students when they ask if they should take a course from one of my two incompetent departmental colleagues?
Tim
Dear Dim,
Whatever your two colleagues say about you should work.
Sincerely,
Dogbert
--
Dear Dogbert,
What type of lip moisturizer is best for butt-smooching your boss?
Hank
Dear Hanky,
It's the same rule as pairing wine with food. If you plan on a surface peck, white moisturizer is fine. If you plan to do something more vigorous, try the red.
Sincerely,
Dogbert
--
Dear Dogbert,
If you were the coach of a sports team, what kind of pep talk would you give?
Ben
Dear Bent,
Funny story: Uday Hussein once asked me the same thing. But he didn't recognize sarcasm when he heard it. So the International Olympic Committee has asked me not to answer that kind of question anymore.
Sincerely,
Dogbert
--
Dear Dogbert,
The one question that has been on my mind lately is: How the heck do your glasses stay on your head when they sit UNDER your ears?
Stephen
Dear Stepinit,
My glasses are specially made to fit in my ear holes. This has the dual advantage of a snug fit and the complete inability to hear other people talking.
Sincerely,
Dogbert
Dilbert Fodder
---------------
What's bugging you about your job? Let me know and you might see
it in a Dilbert comic or newsletter. The best comic fodder
involves workplace peeves, devious strategies, frustrations of
dealing with others, conflicting objectives, unintended management
consequences, and of course my favorite - idiot bosses.
And I love True Tales of Induhviduals and true quotes.
And if you're seeing any new management trends that need to be
mocked, I can help. Send your (brief) suggestions to me at:
scottadams@aol.com.
IMPORTANT: Put "Dilbert" at the end
of your subject line so my spam filter
won't bounce it back.
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