[68] in Dilbert Redistribution
Dilbert Newsletter 53.0
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (scottadams@aol.com)
Tue Feb 3 15:09:54 2004
From: scottadams@aol.com
To: <dilbert-redist@mit.edu>
Date: Tue, 03 Feb 2004 14:25:37 -0500
Reply-To: <comics@comicmembers.com>
Dilbert Newsletter 53.0
"A Little Ray of Bitter Sunshine"
To: Dogbert's New Ruling Class (DNRC)
From: Scott Adams (scottadams@aol.com)
Date: January/February 2004
DNRC Status
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There are 560,000 members of DNRC. If we all jumped up in the air at the same time, the planet would probably lose its orbit and plunge into the sun. I say we try it.
On my mark: Now!
That's Why They Call It a DIEt
---------------------------------
I'm a vegetarian, which, as you know, means that I can't lift heavy objects without snapping my spine. I'm secure enough to admit that I'm pale, frail, and I love e-mail. (Hey, I think I just designed a t-shirt!) But there's a plus side to my eating habits: I'll live to the age of 200 unless I get trapped under something heavy, like a quilt. And unlike my mammal-eating friends, I don't have to decide what sort of hideous death I want every time I look at a menu.
For carnivores, there are two popular diet plans. The first one involves eating anything that can't outrun you, whether said object is capable of traversing your entire intestines or not. It's the most popular diet plan in America and it's catching on around the world. This group of eaters prefers as their method of demise the traditional, no-nonsense heart attack.
Then you have the low-carb dieters. This involves the active avoidance of life-giving antioxidants while scarfing massive amounts of known carcinogens until someone punches you to death for bragging about how much weight you lost.
Some fast-trackers shed their mortal coil using such flashy methods as Mad Cow, e.Coli and whatnot, but I consider that grandstanding.
Evidently, what we need is a DNRC Diet Plan designed especially for Induhviduals. We need a volunteer to write a bestselling diet book that benefits everyone except the people who use the diet. For example, I think the diet plan should encourage the eating of whatever we think there's too much of: lawyers, pigeons, cigarette butts, and that sort of thing.
Your first reaction might be that no one will eat horrible things just because a diet book says you should. But I have a one-word response to your short-sighted thinking: sauce.
That's right, sauce. Most people think that cows are delicious, but they don't stop to think how much work went into changing the taste from its original cow flavor. Realistically, you wouldn't order any kind of food that was labeled "cow flavored." Fortunately, great cooks can disguise the flavor of anything. If you try to tell me that Emeril Lagasse can't make delicious chowder out of cigarette butts, then I say you haven't seen his show. The man is a miracle worker.
Then there is the issue of health and nutrition. Ha ha! Just kidding. But seriously, the sauce will make everything taste great.
Hall of Induhvidual Fame Quotes
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"So, is this going to be a musical opera?"
"Can you tell me when my past due amount is due?"
"I think they must put something in food that makes you have to go to the bathroom".
Dilbert DVD
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At long last, the entire animated Dilbert collection, all 30 episodes that aired on television, are available now on DVD in one handy box set.
We cleverly limited distribution to the United States and Canada to make it seem more special. If you can't find it, try Amazon.com at:
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/B0000WN15E/dilbertcom-20/102-7577069-8057741?creative=125581&camp=2321&link_code=as1
Quotes From Induhviduals
-------------------------
Observant DNRC members continue to send me true quotes of Induhviduals. Interestingly, you can string them together in almost any order and they make excellent detective stories:
Example Detective Story:
She walked into my office like an elephant in a shoe store. One look at her and I knew she had all of her ducks in one sock. I needed the work because I was already squeezing the buffalo.
"My husband just crapped the bucket," she said, looking a few sandwiches short of a six-pack. I didn't believe her, and I guess it showed, because she started crying enough water to sink a fish.
"I'm a server at a restaurant. 90% of my job is physical and the other half is mental. I don't want to be like the wolf that cried twice and then hung all of his eggs on one proposal, but I'll be straight as a doorknob with you. My husband's mud was dirty."
I'd known dames that were sharp as a marble, but this one ate the biscuit. She'd cry at the drop of a pin, so I waited until she gave me the whole story in one swelled foop.
"My husband was a jackpot of all trades, always robbing Peter Paul to pay Mary. His business was running like sliced bread, but one day we realized we were burning cash like it was water, skating on fire. The IRS was breathing down our throats. Well, one day I said something, and it was like rubbing soap in the wound. I knew the can of worms had come home to roost."
"Don't tell me," I said. "You usually dealt with him using felt-tipped gloves."
"Exactly. He was a proud man who would give you the shoes off his back. But now he didn't have the gravy in his pocket that he used to. In fact, we didn't have two dimes to pee on. And there was a bad stigmata attached to it."
"So you killed him?" I asked, all nonchalant.
"No. He just woke up dead," she said. "He bit off his head to spite his face."
"Oh," I said. "I'll send you my bill."
The End
Induhvidual Tales
----------------------
Here are some inspirational tales of Induhviduals, submitted by DNRC members. (Submission Tip: If it didn't happen to you personally, and it sounds like a perfect example of a True Induhvidual Tale, it's because someone saw it in the Dilbert Newsletter and removed the attribution.)
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My roommate has been stuffing toilet paper into the faucet for a week to stop it from dripping.
---
My best friend's wife, who has a master's degree, asked me how old I was. I told her I'd be 37 next Monday. She said, "I mean how old are you TODAY."
---
We were at a friend's house for dinner. While out on the porch, we overheard our friend arguing with his wife. We are not sure what the wife said, but we heard the husband say, "There is no 'I' in marriage."
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I work in a restaurant that has open-air rooftop dining. While explaining this to a woman who called to make a reservation, she asked me, "Now, the roof, is that on the top of the building?"
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When our school parking lot was resurfaced, the painters turned the parking space pattern in the wrong direction, and the handicap spaces were put at the farthest point from the building, next to the gate. The only person on the staff who has a handicapped permit began parking next to the gate and limping all the way across the parking lot, even when there were spaces next to the building.
---
A supplier called, saying that the barcode scanner could not read the hyphen character. Our engineer told her that she had to enable full ASCII on the scanner. She replied, "There's an ass key on the scanner?"
[Editor's note: You can't type a colon without an Ass Key.]
---
A new member of the staff thought she was doing very well during her probationary period because the reports on her work came back from the Quality Assurance Department marked NOTFAIL. It wasn't until her three-month performance review that she learned that NOTFAIL is short for "notification of failure."
---
One of our school district's principals was trying to get his staff to bond. Their ears perked up when he announced, "And we really have to get closer together and learn to trust each other more. To that end, we are going to have some bondage activities this afternoon."
---
In my high school class, we were organizing a timeline, when one Induhvidual in the group asked, "Does this timeline need to be in any particular order?"
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A manager who received a new computer asked, "Don't these new computers come with CDROM drives?" I said yes. He insisted that his computer did not have a CDROM drive, but "There is a little drawer that opens at the BOTTOM of my computer, but it won't hold a CD." He had the computer upside down. I would have thought that the fact that everyone else got a "DELL" computer and his said "77ED" would have clued him in.
---
I am always amazed when I overhear my colleagues giving driving directions to our facility. The best one I've heard is, "You know how the street goes both ways? Well, we're on the other side."
---
I was training a new assistant to do our daily backup. She came to a point where she was stuck. She had the mouse in her hand and asked me what to do next. I told her to left-click anywhere in the white area. She asked, "Click what?" I said, "The mouse." Her response was, "Where's the mouse at?" Needless to say, I found a new assistant.
---
This past Veterans Day, a young blonde local newscaster was interviewing an elderly lady who had been in WWII. "I understand you were held by the gazpacho."
[Editor's note: If you've ever been held by the gazpacho, you know how much that can hurt.]
---
One day I went to lunch with my colleague and his girlfriend. He drove and she was in the passenger side on the front. As he was pulling out of the parking lot into heavy traffic, he asked her whether it was clear on her side. She asked, "Which is my side?"
---
I called my mortgage company to discuss my refinanced loan. The rep asked me if the house was still at the same address.
Dogbert Answers My e-Mail
-------------------------
In this section, Dogbert answers the mail that I'm too polite to answer myself.
Dear Mr. Adams,
Why does Dilbert suddenly have a mouth sometimes? I find it unsettling and just plain wrong.
Sincerely,
Derek
Dear Dork,
Mr. Adams always intended Dilbert to have a visible mouth but until recently he didn't have time to draw it. For 2004, Mr. Adams has dedicated himself to becoming more efficient. Now, for example, when he takes a shower he only washes parts that he thinks he might be using that day. This frees him up to draw mouths, but only sometimes.
Sincerely,
Dogbert
Dear Mr. Adams,
I would like to do an interview with you by e-mail to post on my website. I have no visitors to it yet, but I think that will all change once I put celebrity interviews up there. My forty questions are attached. Don't feel you need to answer every one.
Sincerely,
Fred
Dear Fried,
Mr. Adams has given your request a priority ranking and added it to the queue. It comes right after "lick the asphalt off the street in front of the house" and right before "convince all males between the ages of 2 and 85 to change their names to 'Buddy.'"
Sincerely,
Dogbert
Win A Trip to Vegas
---------------------
Enter the Dilbert Call In Sick From Vegas Sweepstakes and you can have a chance to win a 4-night trip for 2 at Bally's Las Vegas! Boost your performance at work by calling in sick from Vegas and come back renewed and motivated.
Go to: http://www.dilbert.com
Valentine's Day Store
---------------------
Whether you're looking for something romantic or just funny, the Comics.com Valentine's Day store has the perfect gift for that special someone. Choose from an assortment of great gift ideas featuring designs from Dilbert, Get Fuzzy, Rose is Rose, 9 Chickweed Lane, Luann and Raising Duncan. These images were specially selected for Valentine's Day and are available for t-shirts, mugs, mouse pads, teddy bears, and much more. As always, you can also choose from an array of best-selling comic collections, calendars, wall clocks and clothing featuring a whole range of comic favorites.
And, right now, you can save extra money: get $5 off on orders of $45 or more. Just paste this coupon code into your check-out page before completing your order: CPLUVSU
Go to: http://www.cafeshops.com/unitedmedia
Dilbert Fodder
---------------
What's bugging you about your job? Let me know and you might see
it in a Dilbert comic or newsletter. The best comic fodder
involves workplace peeves, devious strategies, frustrations of
dealing with others, conflicting objectives, unintended management
consequences, and of course my favorite - idiot bosses.
And I love True Tales of Induhviduals.
And if you're seeing any new management trends that need to be
mocked, I can help. Send your (brief) suggestions to me at:
scottadams@aol.com.
IMPORTANT: Put "Dilbert" at the end
of your subject line so my spam filter
won't bounce it back.
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