[23] in Dilbert Redistribution
Dilbert Newsletter 16.0
daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (dogbert)
Wed Aug 6 20:05:30 1997
Date: Wed, 6 Aug 1997 18:17:13 -0400
Reply-To: "Dogbert's New Ruling Class" <DILBERT_NEWS@LISTSERV.UNITEDMEDIA.COM>
From: dogbert <dogbert@LISTSERV.UNITEDMEDIA.COM>
To: DILBERT_NEWS@LISTSERV.UNITEDMEDIA.COM
Dilbert Newsletter 16.0
-----------------------
To: Dogbert's New Ruling Class (DNRC)
From: Scott Adams
Date: August 1997
Highlights:
------------------------------------------------
- True Stories of Induhviduals
- Tips for Induhviduals
- How I corrupted the youth of the world
- Behind the scenes at Dilbert productions
------------------------------------------------
DNRC Status Report
------------------
These are perilous times for the DNRC. A few
Induhviduals have somehow infiltrated the ranks of our
200,000 members. Some of those Induhviduals -- God
help us -- have even learned to type. On the scale of
dangerous things, this is right up there with finding out
that the cat has been driving your minivan at night.
Fortunately, Induhviduals are not what you'd call masters
of disguise. They are easily identified by the types of
complaints they send to me. Here are some actual
complaints received this month, all genuine, but edited to
make them nearly intelligible:
- Your cartoon on 6/9/97 seems to advocate the teaching
of critical thinking to children. That's dangerous. Children
must be TOLD what is right and wrong, not taught to
think! Critical thinking is exactly the sort of thing that
caused the Oklahoma City bombing!
- You seem to be advocating (in The Dilbert Future) that
people write down their goals. Any form of prayer that is
not directed toward God can only be answered by Satan.
Therefore, you are promoting Satanism!
- I see Dilbert merchandise everywhere. I'm starting to
think this is nothing but some sort of giant plot to make
money for you!
- I can't believe your last newsletter was nothing but a
chapter from your best-selling book. I expect you to put
more effort into your free newsletters!
I don't mind being called a greedy, satanic terrorist. But
when someone accuses me of not putting enough effort
into the free Dilbert Newsletter, they've gone too far!
Those whiners have been purged from the DNRC list and
banished to a life of future servitude when Dogbert
conquers the world and makes all Induhviduals our
personal servants.
As for the other infiltrators, I'm not too worried.
Induhviduals will never decipher the hidden skip-
sequence code imbedded in each Dilbert Newsletter, no
matter how many hours they spend looking for it.
Uses for Induhviduals
---------------------
You might be wondering what good all the Induhviduals
are to us, given their complete lack of intelligence and
their non-existent sex appeal. But this harsh view
completely overlooks their biggest feature: they occupy
space. This alone is enough to make them valuable for
a wide range of construction projects. In fact, I believe
our motto should be:
Induhviduals are our most valuable asset.
Obviously, the proper way to say the motto out loud is
with mock seriousness, followed by a maniacal laugh.
DNRC's own Saint Diana of Wales, has graciously
provided some excellent examples of uses for
Induhviduals.
- Paperweights
- Crash test dummies (they're biodegradable!)
- Chimney cleaners (many Induhviduals have "big hair")
- Alternative to "The Clapper," called "The Slapper"
- Retrieving hubcaps from medians of highways
- Taste testers for things you find on the ground
- Statues (this requires paint and plaster)
- Beta testers for bungee cords
- Jury duty
Correction
----------
I'm a big enough man to admit when I'm wrong. In
Newsletter 13.0 I said we could use Induhviduals to run
back and forth to keep the air circulating nicely. But I
hadn't thought this idea through, as I was reminded by
this letter from an anonymous source:
"All those people running back and forth would raise the
air temperature. That might be fine in the winter, but
during the summer it would be counter productive. A
better idea would be to suspend half of them from the
ceiling and have the other half swing them. That would
be much more efficient."
True Stories From Induhviduals
-------------------------------
Induhviduals continue to amuse us. These reports are
just in from DNRC operatives in the field:
-----
A few months ago I went to a deli during my lunch break.
Guess what the special was? A "bowel" of soup -- only
$1.00! I asked if it was pea soup, but the conversation with the owner
went downhill from there.
-----
I work on the help desk here, and have just gotten off the
phone with a customer who was asking us about her
network connection. She insisted that the 3com card in her PC was not
powerful enough for her needs and that she had "looked into it" and had
decided she wanted a
4com card instead as they were obviously better.
-----
This report is from a DNRC operative in a high school
physics class:
Two girls working on a lab project were trying
unsuccessfully to light their alcohol burner. My lab partner and I offered
our assistance. One of the girls asked why her burner didn't have a "fuzzy
thing" (referring to the wick) like all the others. I took it out of her
hands, and removed the cap that goes on the wick during
storage. She had been trying to light a piece of steel on
fire for five minutes.
-----
We were watching TV when an ad came on for "The
Club" car theft prevention device. The Individual in the
room said, "Who would want to steal a steering wheel?"
------
I work in tech support. An end-user called and reported,
"My computer is making a strange noise." We visited the
site and identified the problem: a pager (set on vibrate) in
his drawer.
[Editor's note: Later that day he called the Men's
Wearhouse 800 number to report that his pants were
making a strange noise.]
------
Our soda machine had an out-of-order sign taped over
the money slot. The Induhvidual walked up, lifted the
piece of paper, and inserted his dollar. He was still
cursing the machine for stealing his money as I walked back to my office.
[Editor's note: Induhviduals are an excellent way to keep
your "cost of goods sold" expenses low.]
------
One of our departments here at Microsoft ordered a new
computer for one of our projects. It gets shipped with
MICROSOFT in prominent letters on the shipping label.
Imagine our surprise when we found a bootleg copy of
Microsoft Windows preinstalled onthe machine. Talk
about a feat truly worthy of Induhvidualness.
------
My co-worker asked our new Admin Assistant to
schedule a meeting with a group of people. The Admin
scheduled the meeting but didn't invitethe person who
had asked her to set up the meeting.
[Editor's note: Hey, she's not a mind reader.]
------
This one's a double sighting:
I stopped off at the gas station to fill up my car. I pumped
in $18.50 worth of gas and went to pay. In front of me in
line was a guy (obviously from out of town) asking for
directions and signing a VISA slip. When that guy left,
the fun began:
CLERK: "Can I help you?"
ME: "I'm the $18.50 charge."
CLERK (confused): "Sorry, there's no charges on the
computer. But I just charged that last guy $18.50."
ME (very pleased): "You mean that guy paid for my gas?"
CLERK: "No, he was just in here asking for directions."
ME: "Then why did you charge him $18.50."
CLERK: "Ummmm...excuse me!"
Then he ran out of the booth, but alas the other
Induhvidual had left. I wonder if the other Induhvidual
thinks people in my city always charge $18.50 for
directions.
[Editor's Note: The lesson here is that if someone asks
you for directions, ask for their credit card and charge
them. You might get lucky. In fact, it's a safe bet that the
Induhvidual in the story is still lost, and that's easy money
for whoever runs into that person next.]
------
I am at a fast order restaurant at one of our local
universities. I order a BLT. The Induhvidual behind the
counter asked if I would like lettuce and tomato with that.
I suppose I *could* have just wanted a B.
[Editor's note: I think a BLT should be called a BLTT to
include the toast in the recipe. That would clear up a lot
of confusion.]
------
My wife was reading your latest newsletter and said,
"individual" is spelled wrong all over this document.
[Editor's Note: It's okay to marry Induhviduals as long as
you're only
doing it for the laughs.]
------
My science class teacher was going to show us an x-ray
of a man's chest. Before he placed it on the overhead
projector, he cautioned us that the long white line
attached to the solid white disk was NOT a yo-yo that the
person had swallowed. It was a pacemaker. After the x-ray
had been on the overhead a couple of seconds, the
most outspoken Induhvidual in the class asked in a
perplexed tone, "He swallowed a PACEMAKER?"
-------
Our company requires us to fill out weekly time sheets
and turn them in to the Executive VP (a practice going
back 8+ years). It turns out he never wanted them, so he
made a rule today that we need to give them directly to
the VP of Development. The VP of Development does
not want them. The company policy of filling out
timesheets will not change in the near future. So now
we are required to fill out timesheets fully, and then throw
them out.
[Editor's Note: A good way to identify Induhviduals in
your company is by looking for the people who do the
most thorough job of recording their time.]
-------
The sign on the front of the Taco Bell in my town says:
"We have tacos."
I went in to verify this fact for myself. It turns out that they
do sell tacos, never bells. The sign was very helpful.
-------
Here's a true story: The receptionist's intercom buzzes,
and an Induhvidual's voice comes through, calling out,
"hello, hello?"
But the receptionist had stepped away from her desk.
Two seconds later, the buzzer sounds again, and it's the
same guy, calling "hello, hello?"
Still no answer. Next thing you know, the guy comes all
the way down the hall from his office, bumps into the
receptionist, and tells her her intercom doesn't work.
He runs back to his office to prove it to her. "Hello, hello?"
She responds, and he excitedly comes all the way back
down the hall to her desk to tell her it works now, it must
be fixed! She looks at him funny, and he goes all the way
back to his office, then buzzes her again, "Hello, hello?"
"Yes," she replies.
"Can you bring me that file from your desk?"
Tips for Induhviduals
----------------------
Tip: If a customs officer asks for your visa, don't say, "I
have cash. Do you take that?"
In fact, most countries don't charge a cover fee. And only
France has a two drink minimum.
Behind the Scenes in Dilbert Productions
----------------------------------------
Some of you noticed that the Dilbert comic for 7/17/97
was different depending on where you saw it. The
original cartoon's punchline was offensive to some
people because it included the phrase, "That might have
sucked." Anticipating problems -- my editor at United
Media has been down this road before -- I offered
newspapers an alternate punchline if they wanted to use
it. The alternate was, "That might have been useless." I
don't know how many papers ran the alternate.
Both versions were printed on the United Media web site
a week later so we could get reader reactions. Most
Dilbert readers who responded were pro-suck. But some
disagreed. Here's a sample from the dissenting opinion:
Scott,
In response to your question, the "sucked" version
appeared in our paper. I was unhappily surprised to see
that.
Contrary to popular belief, morals and ethics do matter
(unless you want to be president), and "sucked" used in
this manner is unacceptable.
As a former high school teacher, I would like to state that
many children read that strip and feel that because it was
in the comics, it is acceptable daily language. When they
are in school, and the teacher asks why girders are made
of steel instead of balsa wood, they will reply "Because
balsa wood girders would suck" instead of "Because
balsa wood girders would be useless."
It is bad enough that this type of language (which, in
addition to being immoral, contributes to poor vocabulary
skills) is on the idiot box. We don't need it in the funniest
comic strip.
[name omitted by me]
-- end of letter --
So, in addition to being a greedy, satanic terrorist, I am
also destroying the morals of a generation of school
children. In cartooning terms, that's called a home run. It
will be hard to improve on that next month.
Prank Report
------------
Just when you think the educational system is in decay,
along comes an inspirational story like this one:
Dear Scott,
Just a quick report about the success of the joke I played
on the faculty of Los Gatos High School (SF Bay Area).
The idea came from your newsletter which suggested
"converting" a copier to voice activation. The faculty
copiers already have electronic boxes which require a
password to be entered. I decided to convert one to voice
activation. On 4/1/97 I attached to the copier in the faculty
workroom a cheap microphone and a label with the
following instructions: This copier control is now voice
activated. Please state your name and department in a
loud, clear voice into the microphone. Almost every
teacher that used the copier fell for it. Some even
returned later in the day to see if it was working yet. It will
be hard to top this one in the future, thanks for the great
idea.
--- end of report ---
[Editor's note: I am wiping a small tear from my eye. I couldn't be
prouder.]
The Pillow Joke
---------------
I don't usually explain the jokes in Dilbert, because then
you'd realize there often isn't one. But the cartoon that
ran on Sunday 7/6/97 confused an unusually large group
of people.
The last panel had Wally explaining to Dilbert that when
he woke up from his dream, his pillow was gone, which
seemed to have nothing to do with anything in that day's
cartoon. Dilbert replied, "Wow. You woke up in the
wrong joke."
Explanation: There's an old joke, which I thought most
people have heard, that goes like this: Last night I
dreamed I was eating a huge marshmallow. When I
woke up, my pillow was gone.
Since Wally hadn't dreamed of a large marshmallow,
obviously he woke up in the wrong joke. That's as much
as I can tell you. If it still doesn't seem funny, it's too late
to fix it. I'll try to do better next time.
Sending Suggestions
-------------------
Thanks for all the stories and ideas. They're great
entertainment, even if I can't use them all. I've found that
the best suggestions for the comic tend to be the ones
that take this form:
"How about the (boss or co-worker or idiot) who does
this..."
Send those suggestions and True Tales of Induhviduals
to scottadams@aol.com
Thanks!
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------------------------------
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