[21] in Dilbert Redistribution
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daemon@ATHENA.MIT.EDU (dogbert)
Wed Apr 30 20:34:37 1997
Date: Wed, 30 Apr 1997 17:41:51 -0400
Reply-To: "Dogbert's New Ruling Class" <DILBERT_NEWS@LISTSERV.UNITEDMEDIA.COM>
From: dogbert <dogbert@LISTSERV.UNITEDMEDIA.COM>
To: DILBERT_NEWS@LISTSERV.UNITEDMEDIA.COM
Dilbert Newsletter 14.0
-----------------------
To: Dogbert's New Ruling Class (DNRC)
From: Scott Adams
Date: April 1997
Highlights:
--------------------------------
- Benefits of DNRC Membership
- True Stories of Induhviduals
- Naked pictures on our web site
- Babylon 5 King Maker Scheme
- Dogbert Answers My Mail
- Mary's Sandwich Report
--------------------------------
If you're on the newsletter list and don't get your copy right away, be
patient or check http://www.unitedmedia.com. We're breaking in a new
list processing procedure so anything could happen.
DNRC Status Report
------------------
As members of the DNRC you probably noticed that you are becoming
smarter and sexier every minute of your life. That's not the only
benefit of membership. Someday soon, Dogbert will conquer the
planet and you will become his new ruling class. The others
-- the so-called Induhviduals -- will become our homely yet
obedient personal servants.
I don't mean to make the future sound like a utopia. There's a big
downside to having Induhviduals as servants, especially in the home. For
example, they can't always tell the difference between the kids and the
house pets. If you don't keep an eye on the nanny, your kids will be
eating pellets while your wiener dog is studying romance languages at
Harvard. That's not the sort of thing your children will forgive you for
later. And your wiener dog will be arrogant.
DNRC King Makers
----------------
It's time for DNRC to flex its muscles and establish a reputation as
king makers. We'll start with something small to establish
credibility. Then we'll move on to more important issues such
as redrawing all national boundaries into rectangles and FDA approval
of euthanasia as a treatment for stupidity.
Here's how we can get the ball rolling. I recently acted (and I use the
word loosely) in a small part for an upcoming television episode of
Babylon 5. If you haven't seen Babylon 5, it's because there's an
international conspiracy to run it at odd times in every market. But
it's the best show on television and worth looking for.
If we can boost the ratings of Babylon 5 for my episode which runs the
week of May 19th, (different times in different markets) it will be
obvious that the DNRC is a force to be reckoned with. Reporters will
refer to it as the "DNRC Effect." Then we can start demanding favors
and kick-backs for future recommendations.
You have to watch at least three episodes of Babylon 5 in order to
figure out who is doing what to whom. So start now. Or check out
the web sites at http://www.babylon5.com and
http://www.thestation.com for the full scoop. Episode guides are
at http://www.midwinter.com/lurk/lurker.html
Thoughtful Induhviduals
-----------------------
Recently I approached my car in the Oakland airport parking lot and was
touched to find a nice note on it. The note said, "This is a lovely
automobile. I wish I had one just like it."
Actually, that wasn't the exact wording of the message. I'm paraphrasing
from the original text which was just two words scraped into the side of
the car with a key. The second word was abbreviated from "you" to "u."
I was furious. I HATE people who abbreviate.
Today, more Induhvidualism. I awoke to discover that Induhviduals had
gotten to my garbage can at the curb before the sanitation truck. Ever
helpful, the Induhviduals lightened the load by distributing my discarded
debris across the lawns of all my neighbors.
Some of my neighbors think the carnage was caused by a raccoon, not
Induhviduals. If that's the case, I'm alerting the National Guard,
because that raccoon dragged a 90 pound garbage container for three
blocks. The Guard needs to get busy herding him toward high voltage
lines. But I favor the theory that it was done by Induhviduals and
not a giant raccoon.
You might be wondering about the fate of thoughtful Induhviduals
such as these when Dogbert conquers the planet. I can answer that
in one word: skeet.
Naked Pictures On Dilbert Zone Web Site
---------------------------------------
Pranksters recently hacked into the United Media web site, home
of the Dilbert Zone, and replaced Dilbert graphics with pictures
of naked women. I was shocked and offended. The pictures were
quickly removed, but there's no guarantee that it won't happen again.
There's a good chance that sometime soon you might find more
incredibly clear, sexually stimulating pictures of naked people
on the Dilbert Zone web site at www.unitedmedia.com
If that happens, believe me, I'll be plenty mad.
Benefits of DNRC Membership
---------------------------
Keep the following true story in mind when ordering business cards or
updating your next resume:
Dear Scott:
Today I noticed that someone included DNRC on their
resume as one of the clubs to which they belong. That
person will be hired immediately.
I encourage all of you to show blatant job favoritism to other DNRC
members until we have all of the good jobs and control the technical
infrastructure of the planet. Then we can assign long, humiliating
e-mail addresses to people we don't like and blame it on "the software."
Examples:
mydogexcitesmephysically@times.com
imagullibleinduhvidualanddontknowit@all.com
Think of The Children
---------------------
By now you've probably heard of the national craze for Beanie Babies
(tm). Every kid wants one. The trouble is that they're hard to find.
Fortunately, there's a solution. Studies have shown that very young
children can't tell the difference between Beanie Babies and Dilbert
books. And the few who can tell the difference prefer the books. If you
love your children, or anyone else's children, and you can't find Beanie
Babies in your local hardware store, buy Dilbert books instead. The tots
won't know the difference and it's less hassle for you.
Best of all, if the kid is bright enough to catch on to the switcheroo,
you'll know for sure that the child is destined to become part of
Dogbert's New Ruling Class. If not, you'll find out early that you can
start spending the college fund on beer. There's no downside for you.
And because I want to make your lives as easy as possible, there are
two new Dilbert books in the pipe.
"Casual Day Has Gone Too Far" from Andrews & McMeel, a soft cover
collection of Dilbert strips from 2/5/95 to 11/19/95. Available now.
"The Dilbert Future" from HarperBusiness, a hard cover book with my
predictions about how idiots will shape the future, including my favorite
strips that have some vague connection to the topics. Available in mid
May 1997.
Dogbert Answers My Mail
-----------------------
In this section, Dogbert answers the mail that I'm too polite to answer
myself.
Dear Mr. Adams,
Why doesn't Dilbert have a mouth?
Timmy, age 9
Dear Timmy,
Just because you can't see something, that doesn't mean it isn't there.
For example, the huge, hungry creature that hides under your bed at night
is impossible to see with the lights on, but that doesn't make it any
less real. Or less hungry.
Dogbert
--------
Dear Mr. Adams,
My teacher asked us to write a biography about someone famous. I have
chosen you. Please write a page or two about yourself so I can include
it in my report.
Morton
Dear Moron,
Your teacher has probably told you that you can't learn unless you do the
work yourself. I'm glad you were smart enough to see through that lie.
Mr. Adams is busy today but I will be happy to give you some highlights
from his life.
Mr. Adams...
- Built the Great Wall of China on a dare.
- Invented the phrase, "Talk to the hand."
- Found a cure for the common cold, but refuses to share it.
- Dressed in a chimpanzee suit and became the first man
in space. (NASA is still miffed about that prank.)
- Was the first person to climb to the top of Mount Everest
wearing nothing but culottes.
Dogbert
------
Dear Mr. Adams,
I have no luck with women. As soon as I introduce myself they start
laughing. Do you have any advice for me?
Harry Bunz
Dear Harry,
Hire a chauffeur to do your pickup lines for you while you wait in
the limo. For example, the chauffeur could spot the woman of your
dreams and say, "Hi, I have Harry Bunz, would you like to get in the
car and see for yourself?"
That'll work.
Dogbert
Heaven's Gate
-------------
I think it's amazing that 39 members of the Heaven's Gate cult thought
they would beam up to space ships if they killed themselves. Any
reasonable person knows that in reality they will be reincarnated as
animals. You might not agree with my belief in reincarnation, but a lot
of people do, so it's not a cult. There's certainly no evidence that
larger groups of people have ever believed anything stupid. So once the
number of believers exceeds a certain level, say 40, you have to think
there's something to it.
Unlike those "cultists" I wasn't brainwashed into my beliefs. I simply
had a huge painful void in my life that I filled with the first thing
that came along. You have to respect that. I'm not as gullible as those
poor saps. That's probably because I was born in June, which makes me
a Gemini. We're naturally skeptical.
Following in the smug tradition of mocking the "odd" beliefs of other
people, I give you my favorite Heaven's Gate jokes.
1. Since all the Heaven's Gates members were discovered
wearing Nike sneakers, do you think Nike might change
their slogan to "Maybe You Should Think About It"?
2. Do you think there was some confusion about what was
required to become a "Unix" programmer?
That's enough jokes about gullible people for now. I need to go and
check out that new hair growth formula I saw advertised on TV. Then I
plan to lose all the weight I want by eating my favorite foods.
True Stories of Induhviduals
----------------------------
Those whacky Induhviduals continue to amuse. Here are some more true
sighting submitted by DNRC operatives, edited to conceal the identities
of the guilty.
--------
Sign in a gas station: Coke -- 49 cents. Two for a dollar
--------
True conversation with an airline:
DNRC Member: "I'm traveling on your airline next week and
I need to carry on some equipment. What is
the maximum size of luggage I can bring with
me?"
Airline Rep: "62 inches."
DNRC Member: (puzzled) "That's just one number. I have a
3-dimensional object I want to carry on."
Airline Rep: (suspiciously) "So....you SAY you have a 3-
dimensional object?"
The conversation did not improve after that.
--------
Induhvidual Sighting:
(I got six versions of this story.)
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk
noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit
card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction
unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that
it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with
the signature I just signed on the receipt.
So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared that
signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it,
they matched.
--------
Warning to All Induhviduals:
At a grocery store in San Jose, they have new credit
card/bank card readers at the checkout stands. If you don't know how to
orient your card to swipe it through the reader, the checkout person will
say, "Strip down, face toward me."
Editor's Note: Am I wrong, or is this just asking for trouble?
--------
Induhvidual Sighting:
A customer at a sub shop ordered "a small soda."
The owner responded, "I'm sorry, sir, but we don't
have small, just medium and large." (Both cost 99 cents.)
The kicker came when the customer, a rather well-dressed
business type (boss?), disappointedly said, "Okay, I guess
I'll just have to have the medium then."
--------
Induhviduals Display Their General Knowledge:
After interviewing a particularly short-spoken job candidate, I described
the person to my boss as rather monosyllabic. My boss said, "Really?
Where is Monosyllabia?"
Thinking that he was just kidding, I played along and said that it was
just south of Elbonia. He replied, "Oh, you mean over by Croatia?"
--------
Advice for Induhviduals:
An actual tip from page 16 of the HP "Environmental, Health & Safety
Handbook for Employees."
"Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate
your eyes."
--------
Induhviduals Leverage Their Synergies:
The managers got together and decided that the problem with our
department was that it needed a new name. They met several times,
amounting to hundreds of work hours spent. In the end they changed the
name from "Information Technology" to "Technology and Information."
Editor's Note: Good move. That should eliminate that feeling of doom
pervading the staff.
--------
Induhviduals Helping Induhviduals:
Overheard in the office supply megastore, a man asks a store clerk,
"Where can I buy some JPEG?" The store clerk directed the customer to
the Service Department.
--------
Induhviduals in the Neighborhood
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the
local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer
Crossing sign on our road.
The reason: Many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted
them to cross there.
------------
Induhviduals and Computers:
My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a
large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with
their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the
branch banks who had this question:
"I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a
fire downtown?"
--------
Induhviduals Are Easy To Please
I was sitting in my science class, when the teacher commented that the
next day would be the shortest day of the year. My lab partner became
visibly excited, cheering and clapping. I explained to her that the
amount of daylight changes, not the actual amount of time. needless to
say, she was very disappointed.
---------
Induhviduals In Food Services
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco.
She asked the Induhvidual behind the counter for "minimal
lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.
--------
Induhviduals Do Math:
A co-worker was telling us about her sister who was coming to visit her
for the holidays. Someone asked how old her sister was, at which she
paused, thought for a bit, and then answered, "She's half as old as I am,
that's how I always remember."
So someone else (okay, it was me) said, "That's neat... So every year
that you age, she only ages half a year?" My co-worker thought about
that, and then said, "Oh, yeah, I guess it only works on even years."
--------
Careers For Induhviduals:
At a stoplight, an Induhvidual turned to me and pondered,
"I wonder how much money those men in the booths make?"
"What men in the booths?" I replied (noting no booths
were in view).
"YOU KNOW, the ones who work for the government and watch
the stoplights. That way, when a car comes to an intersection
that isn't busy, they turn the light green for that car."
I told her the salary was quite high and maybe she should go and apply;
the government is always looking for intelligent people.
--------
Induhviduals Eliminate The Middle Man:
Here's an example of a shortened production cycle gone too far:
We were already months behind on shipping dates for the
new release of our product. Our credibility with a major
customer seemed as low as it could get.
This customer was giving a major demo to some internal brass and their
clients, for which we put together a rush shipment of new, fully equipped
workstations.
The workstations were prepped, tested, packed and put on a truck,
which took them directly to our salvage facility, where
they were destroyed.
------
Induhvidual Hotelecommutes:
My company flew a database administrator across the country to
support an installation. When he got there, he decided he could
support the release just as well from his hotel room so he did not
bother going into the office.
--------
Practical Jokes for the office
------------------------------
This practical joke report is from a field operative.
1) Dial a number you KNOW is disconnected.
2) Quickly, while it's still ringing, forward
the call to an Induhvidual.
3) Hang up.
4) The phone on his (her) desk will ring, and all
he will hear is "The number you have reached is
not in service...."
Someone pulled this joke on my boss while I was in a meeting
with him. He screamed into the receiver "What do you mean the f***ing
number is not a working number?! You called ME, B***h! Then he slammed
the phone down.
It was all I could do to keep the look of total innocence and incredulity
on my face.
Instructions To Fool Induhviduals
---------------------------------
It's fun to create product instructions that baffle Induhviduals. For
example, I have some aspirin that says this on the label:
"Do not use product if bottle is opened"
I suspect that most Induhviduals are quite stumped about how to get the
pills out without opening the bottle.
The 1997 Dilbert page-a-day calendar uses a similar approach. It says,
"No part of this calendar may be used or reproduced in any manner
whatsoever without written permission except in the case of reprints in
the context of reviews."
Many Induhviduals think we mean it when we say that "no part of this
calendar may be used..." so they keep the calendar hidden under other
items so they don't accidentally notice today's date.
Mary Sandwich Update
--------------------
In newsletter 13 I told a story about a kind woman named Mary
and a sandwich. Hundreds of you sent her holiday cards filled
with wonderful words of love and even money. She was touched
beyond description, by the messages even more than the gifts.
Her children had a very nice Christmas and Mary reports that
she is doing just fine.
I can't be more detailed about the results, but you surprised the heck
out of a very nice woman and made her deliriously happy. The best
moment for Mary was a call from an orphanage, thanking her for an
anonymous donation of $100,000 that was made in her name.
It's all very humbling. That's all I can say.
----------
DNRC Spy Recruitment:
I'm looking for cubicle spies to provide fresh fodder for the comic
strip. If you'd like to be one, send me your name, WORK phone number
(not home), company name, job title, and your secret self-selected spy
name. This information should go to my e-mail address, which is
scottadams@aol.com, with the word spy in the subject. Don't send a
reply to the newsletter address.
I'll be calling spies randomly and asking what you were doing the moment
before the phone rang. I'll use your secret spy name so you know it's me
and not some Induhvidual co-worker playing a prank on you.
All spy reports will be confidential.
Dilbert Product Information
---------------------------
There's a Dilbert product in almost every category you can think of,
including magnets, calendars, books, stuffed creatures, apparel and
animated business videos. For details on how to find any of it, send an
e-mail message with this address and format:
Address: Dilbert_Products@listserv.unitedmedia.com
Subject Line: Products
Message: Products
Or check out the Dilbert Zone Website:
www.unitedmedia.com/comics/dilbert
You can order selected Dilbert products directly from the United Media
Online Store. Also check your local bookstores, Hallmark stores, office
and computer supply stores.
How to Subscribe Automatically
------------------------------
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