[11] in Dilbert Redistribution
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Wed Jun 14 18:16:35 1995
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Dilbert Newsletter 6.0
----------------------
To: Dogbert's New Ruling Class (DNRC)
From: Scott Adams
Date: June 1995
Highlights:
---------------------------------------------
- The Non-DNRC people get a name
- Dilbert shirts popping up in stores
- First Dilbert Personals Ad
---------------------------------------------
DNRC Status Report
------------------
At the latest count, there are 40,000 brighter-than-average and increasingly
attractive members of the DNRC, poised to take their place at Dogbert's side
when he conquers the world and makes everybody else our slaves.
Remember, there is power in numbers. And power is the ultimate aphrodisiac.
So if you have an important date planned, bring us all with you. It can
only help.
DNRC Defense Update
-------------------
In the first real threat to Dogbert's eventual world domination, a
potato-worshipping cult has cropped up in the Northwestern United States, led
by the charismatic Stacy, Goddess of Potatoes and self-proclaimed
"Omnipotato."
The Potato Cult has proclaimed a jihad (look it up) against the DNRC. We
don't know much about their theology, but according to informants it can be
summarized as "We like potatoes."
Apparently there is some confusion in their ranks, due largely to the
unfortunate coincidence that their arch nemesis Dogbert is shaped like a
small potato. However, this is not likely to fool them for long.
Although we must take this threat seriously, violence is never the solution,
unless you can hire expensive lawyers and pay them with the proceeds of your
book. Or you can make it look like an accident. Or if it's self-defense for
something that somebody might do to you in the future. Or if it's for valid
religious reasons. Or if somebody slips into a parking space that is
rightfully yours and you figure the satisfaction would be worth the penalty.
Or you have diplomatic immunity. Or the victims are people who stubbornly
support an inefficient form of government.
In those cases violence seems to be a sensible solution. But I don't
recommend it in this situation. The potato people carry forks and they know
how to use them. Several of their members have been accused of "a salt and
buttering." (They got out on a peal.)
I think our best course of action is to eat as many potatoes as possible this
summer. The more you eat, the higher your status in the DNRC. This offer
ends after August.
10 Points for each potato-equivalent you eat*
15 Bonus points for yelling "Death to the Potato People!"
followed by a maniacal laugh while your mouth is full
of grotesque potato carcasses. You must be in a
restaurant when you do it.
* Because I know you'll ask, let's say 20 french fries
equal a potato. Or one large bag of chips.
A Cartoonist's E-mail
---------------------
Have you ever wondered why people write to a cartoonist? Here's a breakdown
of the hundred or so messages I get per day:
30% Story ideas intended to embarrass a boss or co-worker
25% Unreasonable requests for favors
20% Unfavorable comparisons to Calvin and Hobbes
10% Admin stuff: book info, reprints, newsletter, etc.
08% Questions about Dilbert's tie, mouth or weight
05% Investigations into my "real" identity or work place
02% Lewd proposals (This category needs work!)
01% Criticisms of my math
In the "unreasonable requests for favors" category, the winner for this month
is Bill, who has repeatedly asked that I put every cartoon I've ever drawn in
a ZIP file and send it to him by e-mail because he's my "biggest fan."
An alarming number of readers are under the impression that I have become a
government agency whose mission is to dole out small economic favors.
Dogbert will be handling those requests from now on.
Dogbert Answers My Mail
-----------------------
In this section Dogbert answers the mail that I'm too polite to handle
myself.
Dear Scott:
My friend Irv is a huge fan of the comic strip Dilbert. It would mean so
much to him if you could write a personal message congratulating him on his
40th birthday. And please say something funny about golf.
Susan
Dear Susan:
When Mr. Adams is not raising money for the poor or lobbying congress to
preserve our environment he thrills in the challenge of reducing your
personal expenses for greeting cards. While some cartoonists would consider
your request a tacky imposition -- and I'm not naming names here (rhymes with
Brudeau) -- Mr. Adams is thrilled that you cared enough about him to ask.
Consider it done!
Dogbert
Dear Scott:
I remember a series of cartoons you did a few years ago that mentioned the
accounting department. Could you please e-mail copies to me?
Arnold
Dear Arnold:
I'm glad somebody out there is smart enough to realize how uneconomical it is
to buy Dilbert books when you could just send an e-mail directly to the
author and get the few that you actually enjoyed for free. You are correct
in your assumption that Mister Adams creates his comic strip as a labor of
love with no thought of receiving remuneration for his work. In fact, I know
he'd love to rummage around in his closet looking for the cartoons you
requested, scan them and e-mail them to you. If you don't see them soon,
your best bet is to contact the people who manage the Internet and ask where
the file went.
Dogbert
Dear Scott:
Like yourself, I'm a creative person too. I make stop-action videos using
only lunch meat for characters. I would like to talk to you about forming a
creative partnership. Give me your address and I'll send a copy of the video
so you will be obligated to talk to me. What would be a good day to have
lunch?
Steven
Dear Steven:
Ordinarily, Mister Adams would gladly give out his home address to a stranger
who makes lunch meat videos. He enjoys getting rumpled packages of unknown
origin through the U.S. mail. However, he is currently involved in several
joint ventures with other lunch meat video producers and what you're
suggesting would be a conflict of interest. However, if you're interested in
becoming a stalker, an application form is enclosed.
Dogbert
Family Circus Online
--------------------
For those of you who missed it, Bil Keane, creator of Family Circus, held an
online "chat" with fans on America Online. I was lucky enough to catch part
of it and include the transcript below as a public service.
ModestoGuy: "Bil, how old is little Billy?"
ScottAdams: "ModestoGuy, Bil can't see your question unless
you hit the 'Interact with Host' button."
ModestoGuy: "Well, then how old is Dollie?"
ScottAdams: "ModestoGuy, WE can see your question but Bil
can't unless you press the 'Interact with Host'
button.
ModestoGuy: "Bil, why are you ignoring me?"
ScottAdams: "ModestoGuy, he CAN'T SEE YOUR DAMN QUESTION!!!"
ModestoGuy: "Okay, okay. You don't have to get nasty."
ScottAdams: "Sorry. I don't know what came over me."
ModestoGuy: "So, Bil, How old is Barfy?"
Tech Support People Respond
---------------------------
In an article I wrote for Windows Magazine (May 1995) I said some things that
angered people who work in tech support. Many wrote to point out how
difficult it is to work with idiot users like me. The best example from a
reportedly true tech support incident went something like this:
"I asked a user if he was running his program under
Windows. He said "No. My desk is by the door -- but
you know, you make a good point. Tony sits under a
window and his program is working fine."
Hold the Presses
----------------
According to news reports, Philip Morris has recalled billions of cigarettes
because they are concerned that there is something unhealthy in them.
(Insert your own joke here)
Clarification
-------------
All it takes to be a member of the DNRC is to add your name to the Dilbert
Newsletter mailing list (see instructions at the end). And all it takes to
have an official title is to give yourself one. Since these are
self-designated titles, you should be thinking a bit bigger than the DNRC
member who wrote this:
"Please include me in the Dilbert newsletter.
By the way, I shall be known as 'Manager of all
dust found in computers'."
Some people have suggested that the entry requirements for the DNRC are too
low. But believe me, it's still challenging enough to keep a whole lot of
people out. Which leads me to my next topic.
Name the Non-DNRC People
------------------------
In the last newsletter I asked what we should call people who are not in the
DNRC. The rules were that the name should sound harmless to them but we
would recognize it as a clever insult. I didn't specify that the name had to
be sophomoric, but most of you accurately surmised that I would rate those
suggestions higher. Hundreds of suggestions poured in.
And the winner is:
*** In-duh-viduals ***
As promised, sainthood has been bestowed on the winner, Saint Heather of
Beantown.
Usage: "You're quite an in-duh-vidual, Andy."
Meaning: "Someday you will be cleaning the gunk
behind my refrigerator, houseboy."
Although "in-duh-viduals" is the preferred name, any of the honorable mention
names can also be used (see below). After all, it's not as though the
In-duh-viduals will catch on.
Honorable mention:
------------------
"Stars"
Because from our perspective, none of them are very bright and there are more
of them than we really need -- G. Guglielmo
"The Empowered Ones"
Because only the truly gullible will regard that as a good thing -- R.
Graziano
"Team Players"
Because that's a nice way to say "loser" -- T. Miller
"Barren (of intelligence)"
Pronounced "Baron" -- J. Strachan
"Dildon't"
No explanation needed -- J. Andrews
"Mo"
Short for Moron -- H. Elliott
"Turdberts"
Self explanatory -- S. Manousos
"Wiz"
Sounds like a bodily function -- J. Becker
"Honey"
Because honey is just bee-poop -- N. Daly
"Hydrants"
We could say "Hy" when we see them -- D. Walker
"Sir" and "Miss"
Sir is short for "servant" and Miss is short for "mistake" -- D. Schumacher
"Biscuits"
Harmless, almost cute, but essentially dog food -- M. Hirsh
DNRC Enemies List
-----------------
Many of you wrote to suggest friends and family members who should be added
to the DNRC enemies list. But I think it's important that we only include
people we can all agree on. So this is how the list stands:
1. Little Billy from Family Circus
2. Satan
3. Snuggles the fabric softener bear (new)
4. Stacy, Goddess of Potatoes (new)
Many people wrote to suggest that Barney the purple dinosaur should be added
to the enemies list. But that would seem redundant with item #2.
Marcia Clarke's hair stylist has been removed from the enemies list. Soon
after the Dilbert Newsletter mentioned Marcia's hair she abruptly changed
stylists and emerged with a new DNRC-Approved look. This is likely to sway
the jury in her favor and result in O.J.'s conviction by a jury of his peers;
all of whom are Heismann Trophy winners if I'm not mistaken.
Most Clever Suggestion
----------------------
In a recent storyline I had Dilbert and Wally trying to figure the best
engineering work-around for the keyboards that were missing the letter Q.
Gary Jensen, a man with too few things to think about, wrote with this
solution:
1. Type the letters "KW" in place of "Q"
2. Run "spell check" and the computer will replace KW
with Q
Dilbert Personals Ad
-------------------------
As most of you already know, computer-using people are the sexiest people
alive. So it shouldn't surprise anybody that I get a lot of mail from women
who are searching for their very own flesh and blood "Dilbert."
As a public service I have agreed to run a personal ad in the newsletter for
one lucky woman. This is a real ad. She set up a special e-mail account for
this purpose:
Dilbert is my dream man....
I have this thing for men with a really big hard drive (over 250 meg
preferred) and exceptional memory. You should prefer actual to virtual
reality. You're intelligent, kind, spiritual, strong, and loving and will
be gentle with my heart. I am very spiritual (Buddhist), vegetarian, college
professor and managment consultant, romantic, outspoken, big heart & deep
soul. I'm intelligent and very well educated but can talk about cartoons and
Elvis along with the best of them. Brown, naturally curly hair, Rubenesque
(not hwp), hazel eyes that change shades with my moods, a smile that shines.
I live a stone's throw from Microsoft. (The escaping brainwaves are making
me dizzy.) Hurry and write before I pass out. Send replies to:
WifeForYou@AOL.com
[Note from Scott: I don't know what "hwp" means either, but if that's what
you were looking for you're out of luck.]
Dogbert and Dilbert Dolls
-------------------------
Many of you noticed a stuffed Dogbert on my Web pages on the Internet and
wrote to ask how to get one. We're working on prototypes for stuffed Dogbert
and Dilbert "action figures" for later this year. I'll let you know when
they're available.
Sending Ideas for Dilbert
-------------------------
Most of my ideas for the strip come from e-mail. (Thanks to all of you who
took the time.)
Remember, the best suggestions are theme ideas, not dialog or "gags." I'll
do the humor part. I'm most inspired by true examples of idiotic management
and clueless business practices. The best suggestions tend to be the ones
that can be expressed in a paragraph or less.
Some parts of your messages may be quoted by me for articles, books or
interviews. They will be paraphrased if I think it's necessary to conceal
the identity of the author or to condense a story. I never disclose names.
Send suggestions to me, not a reply to the newsletter address. I'm at
scottadams@aol.com. And your best bet is to wait at least two weeks from
receiving the newsletter, because I get about a thousand messages a day in
that period.
Thanks!
***************** General Dilbert Facts *******************
The cartoon strip Dilbert began in 1989. It now appears in over 450 papers
in 15 countries.
The author (that would be me) receives about 100 e-mail messages per day. I
read all of my e-mail personally. If you get a canned response, or no
response at all, it just means my fingers are tired or I need to get some
sleep. I love you, really. Nobody else reads my mail. I don't have an
assistant.
Despite what you've heard, I don't work at your company. I worked at Crocker
Bank in San Francisco from 1979 to 1986, then Pacific Bell from 1986 to (any
day now), mostly in various engineering groups. But I'm not an engineer by
education; I did the MBA thing.
I am not your high school friend of the same name. I did not author the
Scott Adams Adventure Games for computers. I did not go to your school. The
person you know is not my relative. I am not your ex-husband. We were not
childhood friends.
Dilbert is not gaining weight.
There is no particular reason that neither Dilbert nor Dogbert have obvious
mouths.
The most frequently asked question is "Why does Dilbert's tie curl up like
that?" The answer is either A) It's a metaphor for his inability to control
his environment or B) He's just glad to see you.
The boss character has no name. I like it that way.
Printing, Copying, Reprinting, Licensing of Dilbert
---------------------------------------------------
The copyright and trademark for Dilbert are owned by United Media in New
York. You can call them at 800-221-4816 (International callers use
+1-212-293-8500). There would be a fee that depends on how you want to use
the strip or the characters.
Dilbert Books
-------------
"Build a Better Life by Stealing Office Supplies" (new material about working
at a big company), Andrews & McMeel. (ISBN 0-8362-1757-8)
"Always Postpone Meetings with Time-Wasting Morons" (a compilation of the
first year), Andrews & McMeel.
(ISBN 0-8362-1758-6)
"Clues for the Clueless" from Andrews and McMeel. It's new material on the
subject of manners using the Dilbert cast. (ISBN 0-8362-1737-3)
"Shave the Whales" (a compilation of the second year of Dilbert), Andrews &
McMeel. (ISBN 0-8362-1740-3)
"Bring Me the Head of Willy the Mailboy" (a compilation covering 10/5/90
through 5/18/91.), Andrews & McMeel. (ISBN 0-8362-1779-9)
Check with any bookstore. If that fails, call the publisher directly at
800-826-4216 and order by mail. (International callers use +1-816-932-6700)
Dilbert Business Videos:
------------------------
Two New Videos:
"Talk About Change!":
A 15 minute training video featuring an expert on change, interspersed with
animated Dilbert clips. The video comes with a Leader's Guide, Workbooks and
10 overhead transparencies.
"Dilbert Gets Reengineered":
A 5 minute look at what people really think about change.
Cohen/Gebler Associates has created a set of short animated Dilbert business
videos for meetings, workshops and presentations. The videos are based
closely on themes from the strip. They're used primarily as ice breakers.
Six titles are currently available:
- Dilbert on Quality
- Dilbert on Managing Change
- Dilbert Does Sales
- Dilbert Does Meetings
- Just the Breaks #1 (Mingling Groups)
- Just the Breaks #2 (110%).
Prices start at $99.
Call 1-800-208-3535 for more information. (International callers use
+1-617-262-4242)
Dilbert T-Shirts Sweatshirts from Signals:
-----------------------------------------
Call Signals Catalog at 800-663-9994.
Design: "Technology -- No Place for Wimps"
T-Shirt: Item # 42080
Sweat Shirt: Item # 42079
(Dilbert mug will be available later this summer)
Dilbert Shirts from Quality Classics:
-------------------------------------
Dilbert T-shirts and sweat shirts from Quality Classics are popping up in
retail stores around the United States. There are eighteen designs, but
individual stores will carry different subsets.
Dilbert Screen Savers
---------------------
The Dilbert Screen Saver (Windows or Mac) is available at major retail stores
and mail order. If you have any questions or want to order direct from
Delrina, feel free to call them at 1-800-315-5848.
Online Dilbert Sources
----------------------
- America Online (older daily strips) (Keyword: Dilbert)
- World Wide Web (NEW!!!)
http://www.unitedmedia.com/comics/dilbert
If you're a company interested in advertising on the Dilbert web pages, send
e-mail to webmaster@unitedmedia.com (put "Web ad" in the subject line) or
call 800-221-4816 (international callers dial +1-212-293-8500).
(50 DNRC status points if you get somebody to put a link to the Dilbert web
page from another web site)
About the Dilbert List
----------------------
It costs you nothing to be on the Dilbert Newsletter list, except for the
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Getting Old Newsletters
-----------------------
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Problems Signing Up for the Newsletter
--------------------------------------
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Reprinting This Newsletter
--------------------------
Feel free to copy, post and distribute this newsletter within the bounds of
good netiquette.
Scott Adams
scottadams@aol.com
